Menlovian

oh, bitter dicta!

2005-08-04T01:23:00.000-04:00

check it out here.

Africare update

2005-07-26T00:01:00.000-04:00

hi all... just a quick update to let you know that i just submitted our $1500 life membership gift to Africare via their website. the site said that it may take up to 30 days to process and respond to our gift, but i will let you know as soon as i hear back from them.

that leaves $55 of our money still to be donated to yai/nipd. unfortunately, there is still one person out there who hasn't paid up yet... so the donation is on hold.

this person emailed me on the 14th, saying that she'd send me the money over the weekend. i assumed that she meant the weekend of the 16th, but now i'm not so sure, as it's already the 26th, and i've yet to receive anything!

i expect that this person will come through on her pledge soon, or at the very least, write me another email letting me know what's up.

anyway, on a more positive note, congrats everyone on a job well done for Africare! hopefully we'll hear back from them soon.

a midsummer night's update

2005-07-11T00:14:00.000-04:00

well, summer is more or less half over, so i thought i'd give a quick update.

first, if you're still looking for the link to the final menlovian (and the other "greatest hits"), you can find it right here.

also, some of you have requested that i add the "here's to the vultures" entry to the greatest hits. i'm not going to do that because i never thought it was that great an entry, but here it is if you want to take another gander at it.

so today i sent out "personalized" reminders to the six people who still need to send me their donations. i hope to have all the money collected soon, so that we can get it to africare & yai/nipd as soon as possible.

three other things on the topic of BLSforGood:

first, for any of you out there who have been meaning to donate, but for whatever reason haven't yet, there's still time to throw in a few bucks. at this point, as we're over $1500, all of the additonal pledges are going to yai/nipd, so it's still going to a great cause. so far we've got $55 going to yai, and it would be great if we could push that number a little higher.

also, to everyone who's sent me checks in the last ten days or so, i'm going to be depositing all of them in the next day or two, so you should be seeing that reflected in your accounts very soon.

finally, for all of your information, i emailed dean wexler last week to make sure that the administration would be amenable to the idea of these donations being made in the school's name. she was very supportive of our efforts, and asked only that we give the money on behalf of "brooklyn law school students" instead of simply BLS.

thus, we've got the green light from the administration, and as soon as i collect these last checks, i'll get the money out to africare and yai as quickly as i can. let's do this thing!

***

hope summer is going well for all of you. congrats to the law review folks, and good luck everyone in navigating the OCI process in the weeks ahead.

this is how menlovian ends

2005-06-08T00:09:00.000-04:00

bestofmenlovian.blogspot.com

and now for something completely different

2005-05-31T23:02:00.000-04:00

i've been working on a sort of "menlove's greatest hits" in conjunction with my final entry (which is, by the way, coming along nicely). anyhow, i was poking around on google, i came across the following blog written by a law student at wisconsin. some of it is very funny, and i thought you'd all enjoy...

http://drunklaw.blogspot.com/2004/07/best-of-law-alcoholism.html

a genuinely compelling blog

2005-05-30T21:37:00.000-04:00

some of you might have read about this blog in the new york times or elsewhere. if not, i'd advise you to check it out when you have a chance. it's probably the most original blogspot site i've seen thus far.

http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

hello my friends

2005-05-24T22:16:00.000-04:00

what an unbelievable feeling it is to come home at the end of the day, and not have to do ANYTHING at all! i'm very happily enjoying summer vacation so far; i hope the same is true for all of you. so far, my judicial internship is also going well. justice rehnquist sends his regards.

well, i'd love to talk a bit about the writing competition, but unfortunately the law review folks made me sign something saying i wouldn't discuss any aspect of it until 2007.

however, i will say that there were a few things (aside from the actual writing, obviously) that annoyed me quite a bit. for instance, what the fuck was the point of forcing us to pay a photocopying fee to the school if we still had to go out and get nine copies made?

did i say nine? i meant eleven.

get your fucking story straight!

why stop at eleven? why not thirty copies? with a rubber band around each one!

anyway, i'm not mad, but it was annoying, especially considering that the odds of me making law review with my menlovianish grades are very, very slim. oh well. at least it was a fairly interesting topic.

so... what are all of you up to? is anyone else still hungover from monday night? how are the summer jobs going? big plans for the three day weekend? maybe we should all get together somewhere in the days ahead. i'm down for whatever.

ok, i'll maybe post again between now and the day after our last grade gets posted. but really, pretty soon, menlove will be finito.

thanks to those of you who have submitted requests for topics for me to write about in the final entry. i think that most of your requests have been pretty reasonable, except for the one about which guy in the class i'd most want to hook up with. i'll answer that question in the same way i answered the final three questions on beryl's exam, which is to say that i'll not answer at all.

anyhow, keep your requests, comments and stories coming. i always enjoy hearing from you guys.

later taters,

-menlove

hallelujah!

2005-05-13T13:42:00.000-04:00

people, we have been through a lot this year...

we've spent hundreds of hours in class, and even more hours in the library. we've spent hundreds of dollars on books, and after paying tuition, have put ourselves tens of thousands of dollars into debt. we've taken eight exams, a blue book quiz, and written a client letter, a memo about some crazy chick with a paintbrush, and a brief about an even crazier chick who just wanted to return her nutrients to the earth.

lord knows, we've been through a lot.

we've read every kind of case imaginable, and sometimes we've been called on to show what we've learned. gora, poser and nan handled us gently. sebok had us doing mental gymnastics. and pitler hit us with all the subtlety of a socratic shotgun.

we've had pointless scavenger hunts in the library, and tedious scavenger hunts in the westlaw lab.

and let's not forget the moot court tryouts. some of us were so good, we had to do it twice. others of us were even dumb enough to sweat through an additional trial ad tryout.

man, did we put ourselves through a lot.

we worked into the wee hours of the night. as the rest of the city slumbered, we wrestled with the commerce clause and the dormant commerce clause, utilitarianism and retributivism, claim preclusion and issue preclusion, proximate cause and but-for cause, IRAC and CRAC and IRA and IRAP, the statute of limitations and the statute of frauds, the FRCP, USC, & UCC, reversions and remainders, impleaders and interpleaders. apparently, there was even some sort of capability problem in contract law, though i still am not sure what that's all about.

hell yeah, we've gone through a lot.

the crazy-ass time crunch during question #4 on an exam. the late nights worrying about class rank and summer jobs and whether there would be a "+" or a "-" next to a class grade. entire weekends spent outlining, and i'm talking about beautiful, sunny weekends where you can hear the children laughing and playing outside. long train rides with sullivan & gunther on our backs. calculating how many more classes until we were on call. realizing that we've only got two minutes left to proofread an entire exam, or discovering, to our horror, that beryl was working her way down our row, and we're next.

people, we've been through a lot. it was enough to shatter the soul of a lesser man or woman. yet somehow we have survived. they threw everything they had at us, yet we are still standing: exhausted, bruised and battered, but somehow even stronger, smarter, and tougher than before.

congratulations to all my fellow 1L's for surviving one of the toughest rites of passage imaginable...

we made it through a year of law school!

i hope that everyone will be out in full force tonight, this weekend, and all summer. it's obvious that next year could very well be even tougher than this one, so let's live it up while we can.

so now it's time to get down, to wang chung, to shake our groove thangs, or perhaps even to rock out with our cocks out (or with our vaginas out, as the case may be).

i'll see you all at union bar tonight. it should be a night to remember, or at least to struggle to remember. the first round's on me...

***

before i go take my pre-celebration disco nap, i just want to give a quick update on the state of menlovian.

you all should pretty much figure that i won't be revealing my identity until the day after our final grade is posted. until then, feel free to keep floating your theories around on the message board. i enjoy it very much. it makes me feel all tingly in my swimsuit areas.

and to anyone who believes that they have figured me out beyond a reasonable doubt, shoot me an email at menloveBLS@hotmail.com, and tell me who you think i am. if you're right, i may give you special mention in the final entry, credit where credit is due, and all that.

speaking of the final farewell menlovian entry, since you guys went the extra mile, and gave so generously to BLSforGood, i want to make sure you get your money's worth out of the final blog.

as i've mentioned before, in the final entry, i'll be answering questions such as: how did i publicize menlovian without giving away my identity? what sneaky subterfuge did i employ to maintain my anonymity? which two professors very nearly blew my cover during class? which of my classmates came closest to figuring out who i am? is there really a princess strawberry margarita, and if so, who is she? who are the truly wonderful people i've gotten to know this year? am i really so crazy about the cosby show? what actually goes on in the 8th floor men's room? who is the person (or perhaps the people) whom i've already told about my identity? and finally, of course, who is menlove?

however, you all deserve the best entry i can write, so what i want to know is what you'd like to see me talk about in those final lines. i'm will to share almost anything, within reason, so let me know what you's enjoy reading about, and i'll do my best to oblige.

you probably won't hear from me too much between now and then. i'll likely write a little somehthing after the law review competition, and maybe the occasional hello or random update, but otherwise, it's pretty much finished!

i think i just had my first actual sigh of relief since august! it's over!! it's fucking over!!!!

you guys rule, and i hope that everyone feels as relieved, exhilerated and proud as i do right now. see you tonight, and hopefully i'll be seeing you all summer.

much love,

-menlove

popov v. hayashi: the movie

2005-05-11T01:00:00.000-04:00

in honor of our recently vanquished property class, i thought that some of you might like to know that there's a new movie coming out about the barry bonds case called "'up for grabs." it actually looks pretty good based on the website. although, truth be told, i doubt i'll ever see it, as my goal is never to think about property class again.

***

on the message boards, someone wrote: "Menlove -- I experienced a mild burning sensation for the 27 hours Menlovian was off the air. Since you said before that you couldn't continue next year because that would reveal your identity -- and now you have agreed to reveal your identity -- why not keep on keepin on? I'm sure someone will back me up on this."

menlove replies: um, thank you for the compliment, and i hope that the burning sensation has cleared up. (i got a rash, man.) however, the menlovian must end this year, for two reasons:

(1) enough is enough already;

(b) people donated in reliance on my promise to come out - at the latest - on the day after our last grade is posted. there might be some sort of contractual something or other operating here, and if i've learned anything this year, it's that the subtleties of contract law are well beyond my ken; and

(4) look, man, i've got certain information, all right? certain things have come to light. and, you know, has it ever occurred to you, that, instead of, uh, you know, running around, uh, uh, blaming me, you know, given the nature of all this new shit, you know, i-i-i-i... this could be a-a-a-a lot more, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, complex, i mean, it's not just, it might not be just such a simple... uh, you know?

i'll tell you what i'm blathering about, man. the whole thing has been fun while it lasted, but it's gonna be over soon. i always thought i'd ride silently, facelessly off into the sunset, knowing that i'd succeeded in hiding my identity for a full year from a shitload of very intelligent people. it was a perfect plan, a swiss fucking watch. that was the beauty of it, the simplicity. if the plan gets too complex, something always goes wrong. if there's one thing i learned in 'nam--

(ok, sorry about all the lebowski quotes. i'll try to stop now.)

but then, menlovian somehow spawned BLSforGood, and my planned exit from the BLS blogging scene took a wild turn (in the big picture, a turn for the better), and now i'm bound to reveal myself in just a few weeks.

of course, i am proud of what we've done with BLSforGood (the royal we, you know, the editorial--), and i'm even thinking about putting it on my resume, sandwiched in between "moot court honor society, trial advocacy division tryouts, march, 2005" and "law review writing competition, picked up the packet: may, 2005."

i know that some of you may be excited to find out who i am. some of you have even told me this to my face, and i've overheard it in random conversations. however, i have to warn you that if you've got your hopes up too high, the whole thing is going to end up being somewhat anti-climactic.

when all is said and done, i'm (probably) not someone outside of section 9, and i'm (almost certainly) not your lady friend, or your special lady, and i'm (very likely) not professor pitler.

in reality, i'm just a dude in your class. maybe you've gotten to know me really well this year, maybe we're just friendly, or maybe we hardly speak; regardless, i'm just a regular guy who clearly likes to put off studying for as long as possible. (case in point: it's one a.m., and i've yet to crack my con law case notes for the semester. i sold the S&G text in february to pay the cable bill. booyah! heathcliff huxtable, you know i'd never let you go.) hence, menlovian.

***

ok, so here's the deal: it's been a long, extremely stressful and ridiculous, often tedius but occasionally amusing blurry whirlwind of a year. we've all given somewhere between 35-100% of our "best effort." whatever your level of input, you've just got to keep it up for two more days. and then... our fucking troubles are over, dude!

keep on keepin' on,

-menlove

in case you need a break...

2005-05-09T02:02:00.000-04:00

seems like years ago that we first played the helicopter game together. in that spirit...

if fee simple absolutes are simply driving you absolutely crazy, you might enjoy one of these small diversions:

study break #1 - if property's got you feeling sadistic, here's a quick fix. just be careful where you point that thing.

study break #2 - a difficult puzzle that's best for those of you who are either (1) fairly clever, (2) fairly stoned, or (3) just friggin' sick of studying.

study break #3 - the small fish make silver. the big fish make gold. some fish eat other fish alive, and make top dollar. it's a lot like law school.

good luck with the studying, all.. i'll see you on the flip side.

-menlove

halfway home

2005-05-06T14:52:00.000-04:00

wow, so it's been quite a dramatic week, eh?

no matter which way you slice it, you've got to feel good about the fact that we're done with civil procedure. the exam really wasn't too terrible... of course, there was the standard time-crunch factor. i spent a good thirty minutes writing about murphy's case against dr. buttocks (that was my little pet name for "bowtocks"), and by the time i finished writing about his defenses, i realized that i still had like twelve more people to write about. needless to say, the subsequent parties such as blair jason and the newspaper all got short shrift from me, but such is life.

aside from the fact that question one had about thirty different parts to it, the exam was fine. it was nice that all four questions sort of built off of the initial fact pattern, so we didn't have to switch gears and wrap our mind around an entirely new cast of characters each time.

anyway, two down and two to go. not too shabby.

so everyone seemed quite a bit more chilled out today about the whole feldman situation, and i'm not really going to talk about it, since virtually ever conceivable opinion has already been recorded on yesterday's message board.

and i'm not really going to talk about how two of our classmates very nearly came to blows. though i loved the idea about the "decathalon" on yesterday's board (especially the dance off. that would be sweet).

but what i will talk about is a couple of things that really made my heart skip a beat. i guess that these could certainly be construed as clues to my identity (assuming that they are true); fortunately, you all don't have to worry about my identity anymore (more on that later).

gora mentioning how he's been reading our blog... my god, my stomach pretty much flipped inside out when he said that. of course, he might not have been talking about this blog. still, you guys could have learned my identity right there and then: i was the guy who instantly turned a few shades whiter, and who looked like he was going to chunder. (i can't believe i said "chunder." i haven't used that word in years.) anyway, i used to have the same reaction whenever sebok said the word "menlovian."
what really freaked me out was that dude's cell phone ringing during the exam. i done did nearly shatted myself. thanks, man! it wasn't a big deal, though. no one was doing anything important.

okay, so of course i have to talk about one last thing before i sign off...

i don't know how it happened, but it looks like we've raised $1,500 for Africare! holy crap! anyway, i'm really proud of all of you guys who contributed, and of course very thankful as well.

as you have all performed on your promise, i will of course be following through on mine as well. as you may remember from this here blog i wrote last month, i'll be revealing my identity sometime between now and the day after our last grade gets posted. we'll have plenty of time to discuss precisely when and how that will be happening in the weeks ahead.

but before i sign off and teach myself property, i thought you all would be interested in knowing that:

it took us 50 days to reach $1500
37 people have donated so far, with an average donation of nearly $42.oo
17 of those 37 were in section 9; 10 were in section 8; 3 were not 1L's
we had a whopping 14 lionel hutzes!
currently, we have raised $1540!!

as you by now should know, the first $1500 will be going to Africare. this donation will be made on behalf of BLS. "brooklyn law school" will be added to the life membership wall in the main lobby of Africare's headquarters in D.C. we're hopefully going to make a significant difference in the lives of some very deserving people. and that's pretty fucking cool. i'm proud of - and grateful to - everyone who contributed.

everything over the initial $1500 will be donated to YAI/NIPD. i'd encourage you to check out their website to learn about the amazing things that they're doing. contributions are still welcome, so anyone who has been meaning to pledge, but who hasn't gotten around to it yet can certainly email me at menlovebls@hotmail.com. every little bit helps.

so i may post again over the weekend if the mood strikes me, but otherwise, you probably won't hear from me again until after the property exam.

hang in there, guys. just think... a week from today, we'll all be waking up on a saturday morning, extremely hungover, many of us in the arms of a hottie from civ pro class we've had our eye on all semester, and realizing that we are done with a year of law school. booyakasha!

stay frosty,

-menlove

one down, three to go

2005-05-03T15:24:00.000-04:00

so... was it just me, or was it not so bad? really, what else would you expect from the dozer? he's a fair guy who taught straightforward lessons, and our exam was fair and straightforward. anyway, i hope that you all did well on it. and to those of you who just finished a monstrous torts exam, i hope that went well too.

the issue now is trying to figure out how the hell i can motivate myself to start studying for civil procedure only hours after that mammoth contracts exam. last semester after our first exam, i believe that i went out and tied one on... unfortunately, that's not an option here, as we'll be back under the gun once again in just a couple of days. oh well. fortunately, there will be plenty of time to get some serious drinking done this summer. i hope some of you will join me for a beer or two.

so... i don't want to give away which room i was in for the exam, so i can't go into any specifics on this next topic... but perhaps one of you can do it for me: what the fuck was the deal with the proctors?

what the fuck!

could someone please offer a description of what was going on in each room so that those who weren't there to enjoy it can get a sense of what we were dealing with? from what i've heard, things got a little silly in both rooms. gracias.

well, time to figure out what the hell dean gora was talking about all semester.

t-minus ten days...
t-minus $381...

let's rock and roll. i may write something more before the next exam; otherwise, i'll talk to you all this weekend.

-menlove
*BLSforGood*

procrastination, plain and simple

2005-05-02T00:28:00.000-04:00

hi guys, just wanted to drop in and say what's up. in other words, i need a break. if i have to look up one more UCC provision, i'm going to regress to an infantile stage of constant wailing, gurgling, and thumb-sucking. truth be told, the UCC is so much more pleasant to deal with than its cruel and unforgiving cousin, the FRCP, but that doesn't mean that it ain't also sucky in its own way.

in response to 11:50 pm, regarding my word count and such, i have no control over that number. for some reason, blogger stopped keeping track a few months back. if anyone knows how i can get it fixed, let me know. i'd certainly be interested in knowing how much crap i've produced this year.

to answer your other question, the picture on my profile is a photo taken of me from when i went to space camp. we actually flew a mission to jupiter. it was sort of a strange trip. i had trouble getting the pod bay doors open. i digress...

i hope that the reading days haven't been too painful for anyone. before i get back to work, i just want to mention that i'm amazed by the fact that nearly four hundred dollars have poured in for Africare over these last several days. this is truly amazing, and i am finding myself more and more moved by your generosity. it seemed like every time i opened my mailbox this weekend, there was another 25 dollars waiting to be added to our total. we've had donations from some of my closest friends, and donations from people whose names i did not even know. we've had donations from kids outside of our civ pro class, and even donations from 2L's and 3L's. pretty freakin' cool if you ask me.

thanks also for those of you who have been giving me kind words in the emails along with your donations. at heart, i'm basically just a sentimental fool, so much of what you guys have written has meant a lot to me.

finally, i've always gotten a kick out of hearing people theorize about the beginnings of menlovian, or to try to trace its roots back to a single person, or to an email, or now, to a locker room. of course, this issue is one of many that will be resolved if BLS becomes life members of Africare; however, the one thing i can tell you now is that i've always been of the "whoever smelt it dealt it" camp.

anyone still looking to donate a dollar or two can drop me a line at menlovebls@hotmail.com. remember, i can only accept pledges from BLS accounts. also, i believe that i have written a thank-you response to every pledge, so if you've pledged but not heard back from me within a reasonable time, you might want to email me to make sure you've been accounted for.

i'll talk to you all again sometime midway through this week. stay sane, stay cool, and as my dad said to me as i went off to college, "keep it covered."

-menlove
*BLSforGood*

wow...

2005-04-28T21:53:00.000-04:00

no more class as 1L's...

NO MORE CLASSES!!!

obviously, it's not much of a relief, as the worst is yet to come, but it's still quite an accomplishment. congrats to all of you, and congrats to me too. i wasn't sure if i'd make it through a month, much less through an entire year. and now our monday to friday schedule is a thing of the past. whew!

for those of you who missed poser's review session today, he actually did give us some really good advice about what to expect on the exam:

student: "will the exam format be like the sample question you handed out, or will it look more like the exams on file?"

NP: "well, how can i put this... there's going to be some questions. and then there are going to be some fact patterns that go along with the questions. you'll read the facts, and then you'll apply the law to the facts in order to write essays to answer the questions."

was he being serious? or was it the greatest poserian smart-ass deadpan of all time?

we may never know.

anyway, poser said he thought all of the questions we sent him for the review were pretty smart, but honestly, i think he was just being nice about that. some of them, even i could have answered. still, it wasn't a completely pointless 2 hours... it was good to see all of those section 8 & 9 faces crowded together in that tiny room again. (undoubtedly, today's review session was better attended than the subsequent ones will be.) also, juanita parker made the whole affair worthwhile.

just kidding, juanita... i got nothing but love for ya!

anyway, here's one last final shout-out to my friend professor poser... oooooh hecky naw that boy is raw.

i hope to god you never read this, but just to put it out there... thank you professor for doing your job so well. you're the best law professor i've ever had, and that means you're ranked first in your class out of eight. not too shabby.

anyway, i'm busy as a mofo this week, same as all of you, so i'm going to sign off now, most likely until after the contracts exam. but before i go, i'd like to mention one last thing:

after a long hiatus, two new donations came in today for Africare! that was nice to see. it's weird, at first, as the money was coming in so quickly, i was really nervous and afraid that we'd actually reach our goal & i'd have to come out. and then when the pledges slowed down, i started getting upset thinking that we wouldn't make it. like the song says, "i'm a walking contradiction / partly fact & partly fiction..."

anyway, thanks to those of you who donated today. we are now over halfway to our goal! even if we don't raise another dime, i think that's pretty amazing. dayum, you guys are awesome. personally, i think my secret will end up being safe, as the deadline to reach $1500 will be upon us in two short weeks. but no matter what happens, i'm still proud of everyone who's donated thus far, and amazed by your generosity.

***menlovian update @ 12:09 pm... even more donations have come in since i published this entry an hour ago, rocketing us over eight hundred dollars! we have our first unfrozen caveman lawyer! thanks again, everyone.***

much love,

-menlove
*BLSforGood*

ps,
i am lindsey rodgers

garganta profunda

2005-04-25T23:43:00.000-04:00

hi guys,

thanks for all the fun and funny shit on the message board over the long weekend. 80+ messages! i love when everyone gets into a little tizzy about something or other. just think of all the great stuff we've argued about this year.

so i don't want to dwell too much on moot court, as the whole process obviously brought up a whole range of emotions from all of us who participated, but i do want to echo some of your sentiments about "the call that never came."

lord, did i ever put a lot of time into the moot court tryout. true, it did not go so well for me. i can't deny that my opponent scored big points by raising some really heads-up objections to my questions in the cross examination. and it's also true that my opening statement was far from memorized, and that i was sweating like a husky boy in his bar mitzvah suit throughout my entire tryout.

i have no gripes about how the judges made their decisions, nor can i complain about the moot court tryout process itself. the people who are really good on their feet, who are confident and who come across well got invited. a lot of things in the world operate on a similar premise.

same thing goes for appellate ad. most people who made the second round did really well on their briefs. this means that they put a lot of effort into their work, and were probably pretty smart to boot. in other words, they deserved to make the second round. and those who made the final cut had to be at the top of their game under enormous pressure.

of course, some people surely got raw deals with cold benches or unfair brief grades, and i'm sorry if this was your experience. it sucks, and it's not fair.

however, the one thing that i do want to complain about is the way that the invitations were made. the whole thing just reeked of sorority rush week. i felt like such a friggin' tool walking around all afternoon with my hand on my phone, waiting for a call that never came. i'll also admit that i probably checked my phone every twenty minutes or so to make sure that it hadn't mysteriously run out of battery power or anything like that.

anyway, i'm not sure that the phone call method was the most humane way of handling the invitation process. i'm sure that it's partly based on the need to actually "invite" each person, to see which division they want to join, or if they even want to join at all.

however, if phone calls are actually necessary, why can't these moot court folks have the simple decency to call EVERYONE who tried out for moot court, whether they made it or not? sure, it's not as fun to give someone bad news as it is to tell them that they made the cut, but think about it this way...

i spent a good 24 hours total writing my brief, and practicing for the oral argument, and i'm a total menlove. i'm sure that most people spent a lot more time than that. the people who made the second round had to add even more hours of stress and prep work, hours that surely would have been better spent working on a 95-page contracts outline. the people who tried out for trial ad probably lost another 24 hours of prep time. all things considered, we all lost hours and days in the process of trying out for this stuff.

and they can't spare twenty seconds for a phone call?

"mr. menlove? hi, this is Billy Blackacre from the moot court honor society. i'm sorry to inform you that we aren't going to be able to invite you to join this year, but we thank you for your efforts, and wish you luck." click.

twenty seconds, max. twenty seconds of their time at say, ten in the morning, would have meant an afternoon without anguish for me and for the majority of students in our class.

anyway, that's all the complaining i have to do. on a more positive note, i'm really happy for and proud of all the folks who got into moot court. it's a big honor, and i have no doubt that you deserve it. i understand that only about fifty people out of the 500+ who tried out made the appellate ad, and something like 30 out of 230 made trial ad, so you guys deserve some serious props.

specifically, i'd like to give a shout out to my fellow section 9ers who made moot court.

you know what? fuck it, i'm going to give shouts out to the section 8ers as well. some of you all are starting to feel like family to me.

section 9ers: mark antar, scott chait, scott eckert, jed friedman, demian ordway, lishani senaratne, aimee shultz

section 8ers: michael blatchley, andria bouskos, carla cheung, jenna haze, michael pasinkoff, julie shaw

i apologize if i left anyone's name off of the list. i realize that i may not actually know everyone's name in section 8. if i left anyone out, let me know!

regardless, to those of you who made it, congrats! you all deserve a standing novation.

***
so now we are really in the home stretch. you guys know that i usually try to post five times a week. however, some of you might remember that come exam time, i really only write something after each exam. aside from that, my life turns into a mad dash for the finish line, same as all of yours.

the point is that although i'll try to write a little something after tuesday's and wednesday's classes, believe it or not, menlovian is pretty much over with. all things considered, you should expect two or three more entries this week, an entry after each exam, and then a final menlovian entry, which will either be very, very brief, or ridiculously out-of-control, over-the-top long, revealing, and hopefully entertaining.

regarding that final entry, seeing as how we haven't had any pledges in a week, it's been looking like it will end up being a short goodbye & thank you sort of thing. sort of a bummer, but actually, the upside for me is that i get to keep my identity a secret. also, i know that a few of the people who made pledges (myself included) will be honoring their pledge to Africare regardless of whether we hit $1500 or not, so i'm happy about that as well.

however, it's still possible that we'll reach our goal. i'm not going to be harping on it in these final weeks, as we've all got exams and job-searches and whatever to deal with, but i just wanted to remind you about a few points:

if we raise less than $15oo, all previously-made pledges are deleted and cancelled. it's all-or nothing.
if we reach our goal, BLS becomes life members of Africare, and all menlovian-related secrets and stories will be revealed.
the deadline for pledges is midnight after our con law exam, the evening of the 13th.
as of right now, we are $763.96 away from our goal. we've come far, but there's quite a bit to go.
to answer the question that was emailed to me, yes, people who have donated may certainly donate a bit more if they like, and yes, i will reflect the change on the BLSforGood website. nihilists who aspire to become sour patch kids need only pledge four dollars, and so on.

***

so tomorrow is our last regular class with beryl and helladonk. it's hard to believe, and i'm excited to see what they each have in store for us.

before i go, i have one random thing to mention. i know that i don't do too much in the way of recommending movies or albums to you guys. it's just too hard to do so without giving away my identity. however, i do have to recommend the TV show called "wonder showzen" to all of you. it airs on MTV2 at some pretty strange hours, but believe me, it's worth the effort to try it out.

if you're a fan of "TV funhouse," "family guy," "mr. show" or "sesame street," i'm pretty sure you'll like wonder showzen. it's pretty much the most fucked up and creative half hour on television. it's not new either, it's been around awhile, but trust your old friend menlove on this one. if you want to get your mind off of the madness that is law school for a short piece of time, set your TiVo's, check it out, and let me know what you think. (people who are easily offended probably should not follow my advice. at times, wonder showzen makes south park look like the 700 club.)

see you all tomorrow for our (as poser called it) penultimate day of class!!!

-menlove

*BLSforGood*

best of BLS

2005-04-22T01:06:00.000-04:00

the end of the year is upon us, and it's time once again to hand out the first (and last) annual "best of BLS" awards. these awards seek to recognize those people, things and moments that have contributed to make this, our 1L year at BLS, particularly memorable and intermittently wonderful.

though the categories are ridiculous, and the selection process was far from democratic, i hope you'll enjoy the best that BLS has to offer!

i'll start with the obvious topic:

best professor of the year: this was a close competition. after synthesizing the opinions i've gleaned based on what you've posted on the boards, what you've told me in class, my own impressions, etc., i am very proud to announce that the best of BLS award for 2004-2005 goes to professor norman poser. poser's an all-around great guy who cares about our success, who injects just the right amount of humor and life into an otherwise dry subject, and who serves up his lessons in well-planned and easily-digestible bite sized chunks. also, he's a pimp. basically, i like this guy so much that i wish he was my grandpa. that way, i could sit on his lap and have him tell me stories about when he was a boy growing up in england. then he would tousle my hair, and give me a nickel to go buy some ice cream. ok, that was a little gay. anyway, congratulations to professor poser!

runners up: professor anthony sebok, professor nan hunter, professor otis dixobig

best place for a late afternoon canoodle with your special lady: sometimes it's easiest to be hidden while in plain sight. this award goes to rooms 505 and 605, two classrooms that are rarely used for actual classes. the weird mini-hallway entrance arrangement gives young lovers five seconds to stuff their junk back into their clothing in case of any third-party intrusions. plus, the center table in these rooms makes a mighty fine alter upon which sacrafices to Eros may be, um, laid. add to it all an abundance of natural sunlight which filters into the room to illuminate the wild gyrations of young bodies in heat, and you've got yourself a fine place for a late afternoon canoodle!

runners up: the ohio digests, on the floor in the back of the moot court room between rows of seats.

best bet for lunch at school: this one was another close call, but the best of BLS award goes to a very special panini called the brooklyn barrister. this hot concoction consists of mounds of gooey mozzarella, sliced and breaded chicken breast, and tons of sweet tomato sauce, all sandwiched between two grilled pieces of pita. it's a consistent crowd-pleaser, and when paired with its good friend the kosher dill, it's sure to fill your stomach in style. here's to you, brooklyn barrister!

runners up: the all-day omelette bar, back-to-back cigarettes out front

(did you know: "panini" is actually plural? the singular form is panino. now you know, and knowing is half the battle.)

dirtiest sounding legal term: no contest on this one... the winner is "fraud in the factum." to me, the word "factum" sounds like the bastard love child of the words "fucked" and "rectum" - two words which, incidentally, have always gone great together. throw "fraud" into the mix, and you've got yourself what sounds like a backdoor entry gained through wily deceit. that door's exit only, baby!!!

runners up: penal offense, pro bono (how could you be anti, really?), class action (see rooms 505 and 605, supra), dictum, cum-guzzling felcher (discussed fully in UCC 2-208)

best place to sit in class so as not to be called on: strangely enough, front and center seems to be the safest spot in the room.

most annoying thing to type fifty times in my notes: hands down: "Rule 12(b)(6)"

runners up: "second-party beneficiary," "restatement (third) of torts" (who the fuck is still using the first edition???)

best (and by best i mean worst) exam of the year: well, we've only had four thus far, and hopefully today's winner will not be supplanted by any that await us in the next few weeks, but the award goes to pitler's crim law exam!! this four hour doozie featured such a memorable cast of characters: some dude driving around in his skivvies, cocaine (and fake cocaine!), kids named poker and dice, and a massive blood-bath in a grocery store. really just a treat to read and think about. plus, there were four massive, sprawling questions coupled with a 4,000 word limit, which turned out to be a fairly lethal combo. finally, who could ever forget question four, which involved a sexy-as-hell, late-night, drunken hermaphroditic gorge-side romp, with possible erotic asphyxiation undertones!!?!! and the question itself was repeated from the previous year's exam!!! kudos, professor pitler.

best BLS staff member: this was another close call, but in a squeaker, the winner is the cafeteria check-out girl with the huge earrings!! though i don't know her name, she's made me love her by calling me "sweetie" every day as she hands me my food. that's what mom used to do too, but mom never looked so damn good doing it...

runners up: the asian guy who helps poser with the A-V stuff (dude keeps his shit tight!), the manager of the bookstore (very helpful, and thanks you by your name when you use a credit card, even if you're just buying a snickers bar), the entire security staff (good guys to joke around with, though i have a foolproof method for circumventing their security checkpoint when i forget my ID: hold up a cool ranch dorito as you walk by. the guards evidently find them to be indistinguisihable from a real ID. or just walking by them without establishing eye contact seems to work as well.)

text i read really, really closely that i instead should have used as a doorstop: you all know where i'm going with this one... the winner is the buffalo creek disaster. simply put, two hundred pages of pure and utter horse shit that did nothing to expand my understanding of the law. seriously, a better assigment to prepare us for civil procedure would have been to have us watch the entire third season of Night Court.

runner up: a student's guide to estates in land and future interests (might have been worthwhile if they'd used a bigger font), dressler's understanding criminal law (might have had a point if we hadn't already bought an unabridged version of the exact same book by the exact same author only in hardcover. )

funniest student line of the year: this was a really tough one to figure out. we've got so many funny motherfuckers in sections 7, 8, and 9. however, the more i think about it, the more i keep coming back to one which i am proud to announce as our winner: scott chait's immortal words, "i'm not a lawyer in the bedroom." i'll never forget that one. thanks, scott, and congrats.

anyway, i could go on, but it's past one a.m., and i've got to get back to the outlining bullshit. i wanted to give out awards for the following categories:

most enjoyable / memorable case of the year
most confusing thing we studied
funniest line by a professor
shittiest 1L rite of passage

if any of you care to give out awards for these categories, or if you've got categories of your own, or if you'd like to disagree with any of my choices, please share your ideas - serious and otherwise - on the message board. lord knows we'll all need some pleasant distractions in the days ahead.

did you enjoy the best of BLS? i hope so. i enjoyed writing it. thanks for reading, and have a great weekend.

-menlove

*BLSforGood*

***

back to menlove's greatest hits

surf this

2005-04-20T23:37:00.000-04:00

tonight, i present to you "menlove's web gems." (a.k.a. menlove's too tired to write much original content tonight, so he's going to link you to some instead.)

here are my top picks for april 21st...

top 50 ways to get fired... a very fratty and funny site, especially if you enjoy juvenile humor from time to time. (although i don't understand #25. if anyone can tell me what it means, you get five bonus points.)
crunchy gods... making menlovian this year has been an intro to html for me, and has helped me to appreciate the fairly amazing things some people are able to do with their websites. not only is this one full of some pretty cool content, but it's nice to look at as well.
parents television council... always good for a chuckle.
rate my poo... WARNING!!! exactly what it sounds like... people photograph and post pics of their poo, then you rate it from 1-10. i'm not sure if a 10 is supposed to be good or bad. i was on this site for fifteen seconds and i literally began feeling like i was going vomit. DO NOT GO TO THIS SITE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.
rate my professors... another rating site, but far less cringe-inducing. i've linked it right to the page for our dear old BLS. now that it's nearly time to pick out classes, and since you've had all semester to form opinions of your professors, it's a good time to let your classmates know which way to go. especially you 2L's who read menlovian... help us out!
one website that matters... check our progress!

okay, early contracts class tomorrow, so menlove's calling it a day. it's never a good sign when i start talking about myself in the third person. so i hope you all have a nice day tomorrow. especially you, james murray. i hope you have the time of your life.

think like a lawyer

2005-04-20T00:25:00.000-04:00

oh, how glorious it was to see the white smoke soar into the sky today! bong hits can truly be a thing of beauty. (see what i did there? you probably thought i was talking about the pope, but i flipped it on you. i'm such a loser.)

seriously, i didn't smoke any pot today, although when i was in college, april 20th was like a weed-smoking holiday for some folks. why is that?

is anyone else a little bit surprised by how many of our classmates use drugs on a fairly regular basis? i've met at least five or six classmates this year who have told me that they get high "pretty much every day." i definitely know of a few people who have come to class stoned as well.

(i could understand the appeal - in theory - of going to, say, civil procedure while high, since you don't have to worry about getting called on, and the class is short enough that you might not get too antsy, and also because if you're really baked, gora would probably be pretty funny with all his subtle jokes and innuendos. however, if i were to go to property class while high, i'd be absolutely terrified. i think i'd probably have a panic attack.)

plus, i'm pretty sure that a fair amount of coke is going up the noses of certain members of the BLS student body... not that there's anything wrong with that, but where do these kids get the money? then there are those who basically drink themselves to sleep every night, whether in bars or at home in their apartments. this activity seems to become increasingly popular as exams get nearer.

anyway, that's neither here nor there. it's just something that intrigues me. i guess if you can balance your law studies, your social life, and a drug habit, more power to you.

i'm going to keep this short tonight, partly because nothing too interesting went on in class today. either that, or i'm so emotionally deadened to the world after a year of law school that i have lost the capacity to feel anything anymore. let's hope it's the former.

by the way, what the hell is a shirting?

so i was thinking about how back in july i was always looking at these books and websites about how to succeed in law school. one thing i remember was that a lot of them said that after a few months of school, i'd surely learn how to "think like a lawyer."

i guess i'm sort of wondering what this phrase means, and whether any of you feel like you're starting to think like lawyers, or if you're thinking differently at all.

i'm not sure if i've begun thinking like a lawyer or not. in a sense, i guess i have, since i can now read a case in 20 minutes that would've taken me an hour back in september. but really, this is pretty much because i now know what words like mandamus and penumbra mean, and i don't have to go running to the law dictionary every other sentence.

but is this all there is to thinking like a lawyer? vocabulary? certainly there's something else.

the other day i was watching this thing on 60 minutes about parents who let their under-age kids get drunk with their friends at home under their supervision. they talked all about the ethical and social aspects of the issue, but the thing that struck me the most was how none of the parents seemed to be worried about the tremendous liability they were creating for themselves if a friend of their child got hurt or whatever.

so then is that what it means to think like a lawyer, to think about tony's torts exam every time i poke my head out to peer around a delivery truck double parked on the street? or to think about how the UCC applies to the claims made on the a bag of doritos?

any input would be much appreciated. especially from adam ness, elisha cuthbert, and evan wagowski... i treasure your opinions above all else.

later taters,

-menlove

fertile octogenarian

2005-04-19T01:00:00.000-04:00

ahhh, it's fun being menlove. i guess i should reply to some of the comments from yesterday's message board, but unfortunately, i've got to keep this one really short, as i've got a few contracts cases still to be read, and i have a feeling that the dozer will be calling my name tomorrow. of course, i always claim it's going to be short, and then it turns out to be long... long like my 14 minutes of menlovin'.

(i'm already off topic and wasting time. back to the show.)

specifically, i'd like to take a look at my friend saucy intruder's comments, which i've copied for you below...

saucy writes: Menlove, you're not a nihilist, you're clearly a Lionel Hutzes. ANTLPOP's a Zipursky,and I'M in fact the only nihilist.

menlove replies: saucy, i stand corrected. i'm a lionel hutz, you're a nihilist, and in the last 8 hours, we've found ourselves a third careena collins and a fourth zipursky! thanks to our newest contributors. don't look now, but we're just about to reach a fairly major fundraising milestone...

saucy continues: I realized just how clever you were, menlove. $1,500 dollars? Out of your largest class (Civ Pro), there are 120 people. Assuming all of them read menlovian (even though most of them do), and assuming each and every one of them donates to Africare, every one of them would have to donate $12.50. And that's not even counting those individuals who had to leave BLS for whatever reason. You're very shrewd! You donate money for a charity, but you're in no danger of revealing your identity, because your class is full of piss poor law students. I salute you!

menlove replies: hmm, first, i don't think that that many people in our section read menlove. it seems like only about a third or half of them do. anyhow, i'm not trying to dupe anyone here, if that's what you're implying. remember that so far i've only collected "pledges," not "donations." if we fall even a dollar short, then i won't be collecting any money. it's basically an all-or-nothing proposition. anyway, here are some interesting numbers to think about:

so far, we've had 17 people make pledges to Africare. the average pledge thus far has been over $43, which i think is pretty amazing.

also, i've been accepting pledges for something like 36 days. this means that on average, we've managed to raise a little better than 20 dollars per day, which is also pretty cool.

now consider that if we manage to maintain this average between now and the day of our con law exam, we will have raised a total of over twelve hundred dollars. true, we'd be a little bit short, but reaching $1500 is certainly within the realm of possibility (especially with 2L's starting to donate, and with people from section 7 who i've never even met before starting to contribute... like you, saucy! although i do hope we meet someday.). the point is that i don't believe that i've set us up to fail or anything like that.

way back on march 8th, in my jean valjean entry, i wrote that "in the weeks ahead, i will be choosing a charity that matters to me. i will set a fundraising goal that is just at the edge of reasonability (reasonableness?), meaning that it will be very hard, but not impossible to attain." anyway, i think that our 1.5K goal pretty much straddles the border between reasonable and ricockulous. the fact that a bunch of poor law students have already shown such amazing generosity makes our accomplishments so far even cooler, if you ask me.

finally, saucy concludes: However, I don't think you can do it. We'll fall short this year, you'll end menlovian, and you'll spend the summer in wonderland with PSM, but when you come back to school in the fall, it'll hit you. You suddenly have an hour more in each day! You'll try to do something else, but you can't! Blogging is a compulsion! it takes over your life! You'll begin again! Sure, you'll try a new name, but in less than a month, you'll drop your subtle hints again... all of a sudden, everyone will be reading your successor site, and either everyone will know it's you, or you'll attempt to maintain your anonymity again, and it will fail. I say you just throw in the towel and admit that you're Adam Lubow.

Menlove replies: that's interesting what you said about blogging being addictive. you may actually be right. i have no frame of reference (i'm out of my element) because i've only been a non-blogger or a blogger, but never an ex-blogger. however, i think that what i'm hooked on, if anything, is having a creative outlet. i do have some other things in mind for next year, some things that i'm really excited about, but to tell you the truth, writing menlovian, trying to get something interesting up here for you guys five nights a week - as fun as it is, and as much as i get out of it - is really exhausting. on top of that, the whole secret identity thing (while it is like a fun game on some levels, and while i do get a kick out of hearing people hypothesize about my identity) is really a drag. it's tiring having to lie about it so much, and it's hard for me to keep track of what i can talk about in my real life, and what i have to keep separate for menlovian.

anyway, i think that i'd much more enjoy a collaborative blogging scenario like the one you and your pals have over there at the345wall, or the one going on at intermeddler. both are excellent and entertaining blogs, but i'd imagine that because of the group dynamic, they both create significantly less burden for any single member.

oh, and by the way, you were right about me being adam lubow.

***
well my big mouth has got me rambling on and on much longer than i'd intended to. still, before i get back to contracts, i have to mention that property class today was absolutely loco. (you know, i hate using crazy fonts or big fonts or anything like that, but i think that it was called for after what we went through in this morning's class.) BJ was simply turbo-charged, and i think that i must have typed at least a dozen pages of notes. the whole thing with her trying to call on jon provided some much-needed comic relief. still, by the end of the second hour, i had begun to question whether i was indeed either born or ascertainable. i'm figure that i'm going to have to freebase or something at 10:45 on thursday morning so that i may get myself more on the wavelength of the lecture. look out, law review, menlove's coming to getcha!

gotta run, everyone. you know what i've got to say, though: i hope you all have a splendid tuesday at good old brooklyn law school. especially fuhrman & furman, attorneys at law... i hope you two have a most peaceful and excellent day today.

-menlove

the home stretch

2005-04-18T01:56:00.000-04:00

this is it.

we've made it to our last full week of our first year of law school. i feel like i should be proud of myself, or at least relieved, but i really only feel exhaustion, and a vague sense of creeping dread. somehow i've got to muster the energy to keep myself going for four more weeks until sweet, sweet may 13th, yet this hardly seems possible.

for instance, i just spent a few hours working on (by working on, i mean starting) my property outline. unfortunately, the thing is a total piece of shit. if beryl puts a question on the exam about fox hunting, then i might be ok, but beyond that, i'm pretty much fucked.

anyway, i'll try to keep my whining to a minimum, as i know that you've all got problems of your own: struggling to get outlines finished, feeling angry about the noisy folks in the library, wondering if you should ask out that hottie you've had your eye on all year, sadness over not making the 2nd round of the moot court thing, etc.

(by the way, intermeddler had an excellent piece on this last issue, as well as a very blunt but helpful response from a 2L... check it out here if you have a moment or two.

to that same end, to anyone feeling blue over not seeing their name on that list last week, look at it this way:

at least you don't have to waste any more time thinking about the Repeated Lubricated Use of Industrialized Penises Act (RLUIPA). while everyone on the list stresses, frets and preps to claw their way into those forty or so coveted spots in the days ahead, you can spend your time working on outlines, or simply lazing in the sun, sippin' on a forty, and puffin' on a blunt. in other words, maybe it's better this way. how's that for rationalization?)

on the topic of moot court, i've got to mention that i love all the trash talk that's been going on between section 8 and 9 on the message boards. in fact, i thought everything on the message board over this weekend was fantastic.

also cool was the fact that we had three new contributors to our little freaknik on the last post's board. without futher ado, i'd like to extend a warm menlovian welcome to "indentured student," "broken crank shaft," and "loyal erectors, inc." it's great to have everyone aboard. thanks for signing in, and keep posting!

i've also got to give a shout out and a big thank you to the three people who donated to BLSforGood over the weekend. we've now received donations ranging from $1 to $150! i think that's pretty cool. also this weekend, we received our first pledge from a 2L. also very cool.

our grand total is now up to 666 dollars!

not that i believe in satan or anything like that. i'm a nihilist. vee believe in nussing!

anyway, i hope you all have a great week. especially you, adam ness. i hope that your week shines like the top of the chrysler building.

by the way, here are a few numbers i've come up with for you all:

total days of class left = 7 (boo yah!)
hours of civ pro remaining: = less than 3!
hours of property class still to be enjoyed = just about 6!
average time for man to reach orgasm during coitus = 2 minutes (way to go, fellas!)
average time for woman to reach orgasm = 15 minutes (unless you're with me, ladies. i'll have you there in under 14 or it's free.)
days until poser's contracts exam = 15
days until menlovian ends = 26

enjoy the home stretch, yall!

-menlove

all sorts of shit

2005-04-14T20:45:00.000-04:00

i've been meaning to write something for the last week or two about mitch hedberg, a great comedian who was recently found dead in a new jersey hotel room. his death didn't get much coverage because it was in the middle of a parade of much larger, high-profile deaths on TV and such.

regardless, he was a truly unique performer. like steven wright, hedberg was king of the razor-sharp one-liner, and many of his hyper-literal observations were extremely memorable.

i thought i'd dedicate a little space on menlovian to some of his greatest (or at least my favorite) jokes. so i hope you all enjoy, and here's to you, mitch.

I had a bag of Fritos, but these were Texas Grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. Hell yeah. Reminds me of summer time, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. "Better flip that Frito, Dad. You know how I like mine: with grill marks."

I order a club sandwich all the time. And I'm not even a member, I don't know how I get away with it. "I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread." "So do I." "Lets form a club then." "Okay, but we're gonna need more stipulations." "Yes we do." "OK... Instead of cutting it once, lets cut it again." "Yeah, four triangles." "And we will position them in a circle. And in the middle we will dump chips. Or potato salad." "Let me ask you a question, how do you feel about frilly toothpicks?" "I'm for 'em!"

Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr. Pepper, but it's a bullshit replica, 'cuz the dude didn't even get his degree. Alright.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

Some people say "I don't care if people are white, black, purple or green". Ah hold on now... purple or green? You gotta draw the line somwhere. To hell with purple people! Unless they're suffocatin'... then, help 'em!

I got some tartar control toothpaste. I still got tartar, but that shit's under control. If the tartar gets outta line, I'm like, "come on, man. You know the deal. You crazy-ass tartar" I got so much tartar, I don't have to dip my fish sticks in shit!...That's actually kinda gross.

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which one's the real hero?

I find that duck's opinions of me are very much influenced over whether or not I have bread. A duck loves bread, but he does not have the capability to buy a loaf. That's the biggest joke on a duck ever. Like, if I worked in a convenience store, and a duck walked in a took a loaf of bread in it's beak, I would let it. I would say, "Come back tomorrow, bring your friends." When I think of a duck's friends, I think of more ducks in tow. But, they could have a beaver in there, too. Cause if you're an animal, you want to have a beaver as a friend, cause they have some kickass houses. Right on the lake. "Fuck lakeside, this is lake ON!"

I like the FedEx guy, 'cause he is a drug dealer and he don't even know it! And he is always on time.

This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one fucking complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to be a bitch. The mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination. Good luck fucker. The last payment must be made in wampum.

There's a commercial on late-night TV for this thing you attach to a garden hose, it says "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product." Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach!? That seems so very mean. "I know you need water, but I'm gonna make you hard to reach. I will throw water at you. Hopefully, they will invent a product before you shrivel and die. Think like a cactus!"

One time a guy handed me a picture of himself, and he said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is of when you were younger. Here's a picture of me when I am older. You son of a bitch, how'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera ...

An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an escalator "Temporarily Out of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs... Sorry for the Convenience ... We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there."

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

***

so i guess school was pretty cool today. contracts was fairly straightforward, and poser was pretty funny when he reminded us that "you can't kill your parents and say, 'but i'm an orphan.'"

and the bagel party in legal writing was a nice way to end the year with robyn. i enjoyed listening to her talk so much shit about pennsylvania and the entire south, and the bagels and muffins were a nice little treat, so all in all, i can't complain. i thought she was a pretty good professor all things considered, though i did see a few people writing some bad reviews on the evaluation forms.

also interesting was robyn's refutation of beryl's theory that we should choose classes to prepare us for our career, not for the bar exam. i was wondering if anyone else has heard anything about which is the right way to select courses for the next two years.

in other news, the names of the people who made the 2nd round for the moot court tryout were posted this afternoon. i'd like to congratulate the following people from my section who made the cut:

meaghan a.
scott c.
jed f.
brittany h.
allison j.
david k.
woody l.
knox m.
demian o.
aimee s.
lishani s.

i'm proud of you guys, and i hope you all go out there and kick arse in the 2nd round. and a little message to the rest of the school... if you find yourself paired up against one of these eleven section 9'ers in the second round, you'd better bring your A-game, because these eleven folks keep their shit tight. (this is especially true if you find yourself paired up againt someone on this list whose name rhymes with either reagan, box, or, well, demian... with these three, you're entering a world of pain.) section 9, represent, baby baby!

(speaking of entering a world of pain, as you know, i'm always quoting from the big lebowski, which a lot of people claim is the best movie of all time, or at least the most quotable. seems like at least once every few weeks, i overhear people at school talking about it and trading quotes back and forth.

to let you in on a little menlovian secret, i actually never saw this movie until last week. until then, i'd just been pulling quotes off of the web, and inserting them where i thought they'd sound funny. anyway, now that i've seen it, i'm a little bit confused as to what all the fuss is about. yes, it was definitely funny... walter was a great character, and turturro was a scene-stealer, but overall it didn't blow my mind or anything like that. although i've heard that it is a movie you've got to see multiple times to fully "get it," i'm wondering whether it's really worth all the effort. your thoughts?)

finally, someone raised an interesting issue on the message board about who was the best professor of our 1L year... the general consensus is that the heavyweight bout would have to come down to sebok vs. poser.

unfortunately, i have had trouble posting polls lately, so we won't be able to decide the issue that way, but still, i thought we could open up the discussion boards on this topic.

so here's what i'm looking for on the message boards...

on the topic of mitch hedberg and stand-up in general, who are the best comedians out there right now?
thoughts on the bagel party / legal writing in general
theories of course selection... bar prep vs. career prep
is lebowski really that funny?
and finally, who's the top gun, sebok or poser?

thanks for playing, kids. don't forget to open up your hearts to the people of africa. skip that second cup of douwe, send me a dollar pledge (or more, if you can swing it), and do something that really matters with your scrizzle.

i hope you all have a great weekend. especially janice cooperman, sam levy, marc-andre wolfe, and juanita parker: i hope you four have the time of your life.

-menlove

sam, dig this!

2005-04-14T00:18:00.000-04:00

the title of course refers to axl hellerstein's way of addressing professor samuel murumba in regards to the disappearing civil liberties mug.

it was a boring class, though hellerstein jazzed it up a bit with his sweet infomercial for the aforementioned product, as well as some major league name-dropping, including references to poker games with harvard professor saks, and some guy named robert kennedy.

(sam, dig this: i was speaking this past weekend with some idiot at a bar who told me that she'd just gotten invited to a party being thrown by one of the kennedys.

"that's cool," i said. "which one?"

her answer: jamie.

my flabbers were so gasted that i nearly shit her pants. it's always amazing when i meet a fellow menlove.)

(as a side note, i would love for someone to come up with a list of hellerstein's all-time greatest name-drops. i know i've written about others before, but i couldn't possibly remember them all. can you?)

anyhow, did anyone else find professor jones' lesson to be unusually clear and well-taught today? my notes make sense, and i actually learned quite a bit. i felt like i'd gotten my money's worth in property, which was a good feeling.

however, shammy once again stole the show in today's class, which means that the kid's basically kicking ass this week. i don't know how the hell he comes up with his shit so quickly, but the guy's definitely been making class a lot more memorable. i'm not sure if you read this crap, david, but if you'd ever like to write a guest column in menlovian on any topic you wish, i'd gladly hand over the reigns for a day. email me if you're interested.

i guess there are really only two questions yet to be answered this week:

will poser say the words "sperm oil" in class tomorrow? and will someone actually pelt robyn with a bagel tomorrow?

(if the answer to both these questions is yes, i'll drop trou and stick my big menlovian butt in the air, and wave it like i just don't care.) (unless that would be too fratty.)

sam, dig this: only 9 days of class left! holy shnikies! oh yeah, what's up, "owen equipment and erection company"? glad to have you on board.

hope you all enjoy classes tomorrow. especially prasanna subramanian, demian ordway, rebecca blum, and sarah martel. i hope you guys have the time of your life.

i'm out like the gout (and i'm illin' like penicillin, but that's neither here nor there).

stay frosty,

-menlove

serious & silly

2005-04-13T00:57:00.000-04:00

i think that the stuff you guys wrote on yesterday's message board was incredibly thoughtful and meaningful, so thank you.

it was great to read the quote that someone posted from the captain in cool hand luke. does anyone remember that guns n' roses song called civil war from one of the use your illusion albums? i believe that they actually sampled the captain's quote at the beginning of that song. i'm not sure why, though, because it really doesn't fit so well with the rest of the lyrics. oh well... who can try to comprehend the madness that is axl rose.

that's a pretty sweet name when you think about it. axl.

axl rose sounds pretty cool.
axl menlove... not so cool.
axl hellerstein... that's more like it.

speaking of the donker, hellerstein's been pretty interesting lately, and class tomorrow should be a good one, especially considering how he was in the trenches for all of this voting rights stuff. i'm sure we'll hear some good stories. personally, i'm still hoping to hear more about his role in the attica insurrection of 1971. i picture him running through the prison corridors, as always, with a machete in hand.

anyway, back to your comments on the message board. my absolute favorites were the back-to-back scorpion parables you guys posted. they both resonated with me, and i believe them both to be true.

in the spirit of these parables or koans or whatever they were, here are two of my favorites, one serious, and one a bit silly.

***
buddha told the following parable in a sutra:

a man traveling across a field encountered a tiger. he fled, the tiger after him. coming to a precipice, he jumped off, caught hold of the root of a wild vine, and swung himself down over the edge.

the tiger sniffed and swiped at him from above.

trembling, the man looked down to where, far below, another tiger was waiting to eat him. it paced around in a hungry circle. only the vine sustained him.

two mice, one white and one black, little by little started to gnaw away at the vine.

the man saw a luscious strawberry near him. grasping the vine with one hand, he plucked the strawberry with the other. how sweet it tasted!

***
menlove told the following parable in sutra:

two tall trees, a birch tree and a beech tree, grew side by side in the forest. a young sapling sprouted up from the ground between them.

the beech tree says to the birch, "is that young sapling the son of a birch the son of a beech?" the birch tree says he cannot tell.

just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. the birch says, "woodpecker, you are a tree expert. can you please tell us whether that tree is the son of a birch or the son of a beech?"

the woodpecker takes a tiny taste of the small tree.

he replies, "this here tree is neither the son of a birch nor the son of a beech. this, my friends, is the finest piece of ash i have ever put my pecker in."

***
i also came across this somewhere in my travels:

the four stages of courage

the fear of courage
the fear of fear
the courage of fear
the courage of courage

in these final weeks of this terrible and wonderful roller coaster ride that is our first year at BLS, may we all be driven by a courage born of courage. know that the end is in sight, and know that you will do well.

or as these weird chicks once told me: "be bloody, bold, and resolute: laugh to scorn the power of man."

or as marky mark would say: "nicole 4 eva"

"now i popped both your cherries, mister walker"

i'll see you all tomorrow at the wednesday morning B.J. extravaganza...

-menlove

ugly

2005-04-12T00:10:00.000-04:00

you guys are great...

i figure that i must enjoy the arguments and jokes on the message boards more than anyone else. it's always fun to hear what people think about menlove and menlovian, even those who don't like it. thanks for the constructive criticism, thanks to those of you who stick up for what i'm doing here, thanks to those of you who keep the mood light, and thanks to 10:05 for your advice.

today was a normal monday, except that even the professors are starting to hint at how the end is in sight. hella mentioned that we only have something like five more class meetings (is this right???) and beryl casually mentioned how some of us might not be in attendance on wednesday.

in the strangest way, i'm actually starting to become a little bit fond of professor jones. she was basically in a good mood today, and when she's in a good mood, the class can be somewhat interesting.

but what always cracks me up about her is how she's constantly encouraging us to ask her to slow down, or to repeat herself when she's going too quickly for our note-taking. yet when we ask her to do so, she invariably loses track of what she's just said. if you ask her to repeat something, it's as if you've asked her a question about something she's never even mentioned before.

i imagine that her brain is like this really frantic computer that spits out memos at a terrifying rate, and her mouth is like the paper-shredder that destroys the words systematically as they exit from her mouth... or that each sentence she utters is like a chain of lemmings taking a suicide leap off of her tongue, never to be revived again.

she's truly a one-in-a-million personality.

con law was basically slow today, but the highlight was hella's digression toward the end of class about (i wish i could remember the party names) that bronx attorney who had his girlfriend blinded, and how she stayed with him while he was in jail, and how he then "played around" on her afterwards...

but of courst the best part of the story was when shammy tossed off what was perhaps the funniest line of the month, about how it didn't matter because his girlfriend "couldn't see him cheating anyway."

that was some funny shit. i would never have the balls to toss off a one-liner like that in the middle of one of hellerstein's bronx tales. here's to you, david!

***
so i know that sometimes you guys write to me looking for advice about dating or school or whatever, but today i sort of need some of you to return the favor. i've found myself in a sad and strange situation, and was wondering what course of action some of the wiser souls among you would advise...

this story is true. i know i always say that a story is true, and then it turns out to be a bunch of outrageous, tracheotomy hole-sucking nonsense, but this one is really true, no matter how much i wish that it wasn't.

so there's this guy i've known since i was five years old. for the sake of this story, i'll call him B. actually, to give you a sense of my relationship with B, here's a brief timeline of my relationship with him. the number after each bullet represents how old he and i were when each thing happened.

5... i meet B in a local community thingy, and we become friends. our parents become friends as well.
6, 7, 8... B and i play on various community sports teams together. each of our dads coaches at various times. B is a good athlete, but already sort of a spaz.
9, 10, 11, 12, 13... B and i fluctuate between being decent friends and just casual friendly faces. i have crazy adventures with him, like when he and i broke into our middle school basement to "explore," and eventually came upon the room where the janitor lived. B steals candy from the janitor's room. i ate it with him. at bar mitzvahs, B leads our group of friends out of services to go mix shit up. at one point, the rabbi's wife tackles him as he sneaks out of a service. when we are twelve, some girls ask B to see his penis, and he obliges. he also starts rolling "joints" made out of herbal tea, and we try to smoke these in the bathroom at my church. you get the point. meanwhile, our dads play softball on the same team for many years, and B's parents treat me like family whenever i'm at their house (which is a few times per year), because they like my family so much, and find me to be a calm and kind influence on their son.
14, 15... we're at the same high school, but B doesn't fit in too well socially. he is so brash and confident, but always aloof and clueless. the cooler kids tolerate him, even hang out with him, but treat him like garbage. as the months go by, he is viewed like more and more of a freak. B is also getting high and drinking almost daily by the start of sophomore year. (by the way, B is the youngest of 3 boys. both brothers are druggies, and his parents should be divorced, but aren't. his mom is also getting pretty sick with liver issues, i believe brought about by drinking, but i don't know for sure.)
16... B stops by my place of employment to tell me that he's running away from home. his parents call me the next day, and i tell them what i know. he lives with an uncle in florida for a few weeks, then they ship him back home. his folks enroll him in the snottiest private school in town. from what i heard, the kids there treated him like total garbage, beating him up and so on. i hardly hang out with him at all anymore, and when i do, i try to keep us out of public, because he's always on the verge of making a scene, offending someone, acting like an idiot, or whatever.
17,18... pretty much out of contact with him, but still am friendly with his folks when i see them.
18,19... he manages to graduate, and we go to the same college. he's in my latin class freshman year, but he attends only once every other week, and usually falls asleep in class. one day he shows up to class without a shirt on, and wearing a necklace with all these crazy feathers all over it, then immediately falls asleep at his desk. the professor has had enough, and tells him to get out. a week later, he's dropped out of school.
19,20... we're barely in touch. i see him maybe twice a year, and try to keep it on the DL, as he's even more of a social pariah than ever. i still care about the kid, and know that he has a good heart, but it's just too damn embarrassing to be in public with him. he came once to my dorm and shamed me by hitting on every one of my female friends in an obnoxious and rude manner, then nearly got his ass kicked at a party, then got literally thrown out of the party, flung through the air onto his ass on the sidewalk.
21... he came to a party my friends and i threw senior year. we actually had a good time. he stands on a ping-pong table in the middle of a crowded room, and shouts out the following declaration: "i can out-drink, out-smoke, and out-trip anyone at this party." people sort of seem to like him for once. his mom has a stroke and some major throat surgery. his brothers have their acts together, and now have families and graduate degrees. he's still not really in school, and gets fired from some jobs in our home town
22... i graduate, he doesn't. we speak on the phone maybe 3x per year. i'm always rooting for him, hoping that he'll get his shit together, but he's basically grown into one of the most wacky people i've ever met. he's still got what i think is a good heart, and it still bums me out how much trouble he's having getting a foothold in life.

so this is where shit gets horrible, and some very unsettling things start happening. B manages to piece together some sort of associate's degree in horticulture, and actually somehow becomes a franchisee for fairly major chain in our hometown, opening a store close to his folks' home. he also moves into his own place. he's got a steady job and the store is doing well (or at least it's not going out of business), but he's still doing all sorts of coke and LSD.

we rarely speak. he calls one time to catch up, and i ask him about his dating life. he asks me my opinion about whether it's ok to hook up with a girl who is under 18. (apparently, the only friends he seems to have are the high-school aged employees who work for him.) i'm like, god no... you've got to be joking... under no circumstances... don't even maintain non-professional friendships... don't put yourself in a situation where things could even be remotely romantic... etc, etc... all the stuff any sane adult would say in such a situation. B seems to understand, and thanks me for my advice.

some time passes, and a girl from my high school class who also knew B from when he attended our school calls me to tell me that she heard that B was registered as a sex offender in our home state. i tell her that i don't believe it, and i do some pretty extensive research into the available sex registries, but can't find his name.

last night, i'm doing the property reading, and get to the stuff about the condo association that wants to bar tier-3 sex offenders. it reminds me about B, so i do some more internet searches, and sure enough, there he is. it's his name, his picture, his height & weight, his home and work addresses...

i feel like i'm going to vomit looking at his picture on my laptop. his crime is "gross sexual imposition." i do a little westlaw work, and pull out the applicable statute from the state code.

basically, he's guilty of either using force or threatening force to sexually assault someone, OR using drugs or alcohol to get someone to submit to sexual contact, OR having sex with someone too old, injured, intoxicated, or insane to say no to sex, OR having sexual contact with someone under the age of 14.

so basically i feel really sad, disgusted, confused, and angry about what he's done.

of course a part of me, the part who played t-ball with B when we were 5, is thinking, "maybe he didn't know her age... maybe he didn't know she was drunk... maybe he was falsely accused," and so on.

but the rational, adult, law student part of me knows that the vast majority of people who are prosecuted and convicted of these crimes are indeed guilty, and deserve harsh punishments and the social condemnation and stigmas that go along with it.

i'm realizing that this was a really long story, so thanks to those of you who have stuck with me. it feels good to get it all out in writing, even though i'm embarrassed even to say that i know someone who has committed such a heinous crime.

so what i'm struggling with here is trying to figure out how i should handle it the next time B sends me an email or gives me a call.

i have always had the utmost contempt for sexual predators, rapists, molesters, and so on, and believe that the punishments for these crimes should be much stricter than they are. it has always killed me to read statistics that say that one out of four women are sexually assaulted in college, or that only something like five percent of rapes ever lead to convictions. to me, these facts have always pointed to just how fundamentally sick and fucked up our society has become.

yet on the other hand, i have always been able to loathe these perverts in the abstract. true, i've always viewed them as monsters, but it wasn't until last night that any of these monsters had a face.

my heart right now is telling me some conflicting things:

i was wrong about B having a good heart. maybe he did once, but not now.
i would be horrified to have to speak with him again, and don't want to even hear his voice. if i did, i would probably have to confront him about it.
he deserves to be shunned by society. his face is on that registry for a reason.
he hurt an innocent person, possibly a child. this person's life may not get put back together again because of B's actions.
some people truly learn from their mistakes. maybe B learned from his. maybe he is truly sorry. but maybe he is just a sick fuck who would hurt someone else if he could get away with it.
even though we've never been best friends or anything like that, i've known the guy for the better part of my life. i've also probably been one of the only people in B's life who has always rooted for him, and treated him with civility. maybe he needs a friend now more than ever before.

i could go on, but the point is that i don't know what to do. should i care about B at all, and should i value what little bit of friendship we still have? when he calls, do i pick up? when he emails, do i reply? if so, how do i handle this? do such people deserve second chances? am i a fool to hope that there is still some goodness in him?

i guess i should have paid more attention to all of that stuff dressler wrote about the different theories of punishment. anyway, i would be grateful for any advice or feedback you guys might have. thanks for listening.

***

i'd hate to end on a bad note like that, and fortunately i have some good news... our 10 day streak without a donation is over...

much thanks go out to the lovely person who pitched in today to our BLSforGood cause. we've now raised well over $600 for Africare. this is a major milestone, regardless of whether we reach our goal or not, so thanks again.

i'll see you all with the dozer. much love...

-menlove

boo-boo, dockers & tulip

2005-04-10T23:48:00.000-04:00

hi all, sorry it's been awhile since i've been able to post anything for you guys. i spent a good hour on friday night writing my little "mootsturbation" story for you guys, but when i tried to save it as a draft, blogger gave me a nice little surprise by deleting it instead, and then would not allow me to log back in for nearly 24 hours. needless to say, i was pretty pissed off, but whatever. maybe the story isn't meant to be... perhaps anything else written about masturbation on menlovian would only contribute to the "frat club" tone that someone brought up on the message board.

speaking of the shades of frattyness, to the person who posted the link to the topless woman by the jetski: great picture, but you've got to put a warning next to a link like that. just as a matter of civility toward your fellow readers, keep in mind that some people may not necessarily be in the mood to gaze upon those glorious twin mounds of silicone without a requisite "heads up." so from now on, anyone who wants to link to a picture of topless chicks, or three old men blowing each other (yes, this picture has actually been making the rounds around sections 8 & 9), just give a little warning first. thanks.

so i'm feeling way behind on all the stuff i've been meaning to talk about, such as the story i mentioned before, my moot court tryout experience, poser's attempts to incorporate powerpoint slides into his lectures, and so on, but as i look at the calendar, i see that there are literally just a few weeks until we have to run the gauntlet once again.

seeing as how i typically post four or five times per week, plus once after each exam, i'm realizing that i'll only be writing about 15-20 more menlovian entries before i sign off for good.

i guess what i'm saying is that i'll try to use this space wisely in the weeks to come.

anyhow, i very much enjoyed the debate and trash talk that was raging on the last entry's message board. congrats to "anonymous" at 8:40 who went directly under his classmates' skin by mentioning his rich daddy and his desire to be "tappin' away in South Beach" for the rest of his life. it was all quite entertaining.

(my personal favorite part, as a bit of a logophile, was his use of the word cock-a-mania in place of the more pedestrian cockamamie. i looked up cock-a-mania on the internet, but was unable to find any decent definitions; instead, i ended up looking at some pretty unkosher websites. although i'd imagine that if i had to come up with a definition for cock-a-mania, i'd guess that it's a highly contagious affliction that typically breaks out in the women's locker room in the hours before final exams.)

the point is, nice job, 8:40, although your whole shtick reeks of fiction to me. not that i know anything about writing from a fictitious first-person perspective.

also on the message board were some words of wisdom from a BLS 2L. i'd like to thank this person for his or her brutally honest yet somehow encouraging words. thanks also for your compliments on menlovian.

before i return to con law, i'd just like to mention that there has not been a donation to Africare in nearly 10 days, and it's starting to look like i won't have to reveal my identity after all. still, those of you who have seen BLSforGood may have noticed that my name is listed among the potential donors.

the point is that i plan on making this contribution whether we reach $1,500 or not. hopefully others of you will do the same as well. i'd hate to see all of our pledges vanish simply because we "only" raised 600 dollars. it's just too important an issue to ignore.

so as i sign off tonight, i find myself thinking about how i should utilize these final 15-20 entries. should i continue with the daily updates of what strikes me funny in class? pay tribute to the greatest people, professors, and cafeteria workers of the year? shift toward posting more ridiculous short stories as i have done from time to time? turn this thing into a pbs-esque fundraising campaign? (i think i do enough of that already) just shut up already, sign off for the year, and get serious about outlining?

i've always felt that menlovian was something that belonged to all of us, so i'm interested in what you guys would like to see in these final weeks of the school year. if you've got any topics you'd like to see addressed in the weeks ahead, let me know with a post on the board, or via an email to menlovebls@hotmail.com. i'll do my best to oblige.

have a good week, everyone. especially robert kim, swati bose, joseph nivin, and brittany hagans: i hope you guys have the time of your life this week.

-menlove

67 to 58

2005-04-07T01:11:00.000-04:00

it's a miracle!

(albeit a small one.)

no thanks to me, but congrats to all of you.

strange but true

2005-04-06T01:40:00.000-04:00

Cheney Offspring Bursts From Bush's Chest

thought you all might enjoy that little nugget from the onion.

it was indeed an exciting day of law school today. highlights included poser's explication of the jurisprudential ramifications of haunted houses, and gora's moving tribute to frank perdue (not to mention that other guy who died this week).

as someone astutely noted on the discussion board, gora also gave a nice little chuckle to those who were paying attention when he mentioned the "erection company." as i had not read the case, i was not sure what he was talking about, but i'd imagine that it has something to do with fluffers.

so i'm going to keep this short tonight as i'm sort of recovering from my moot court debacle this afternoon. i'll try to give a fuller report on it in the days ahead, but those of you who have been through it already know that it will be a woeful chronicle of incompetence and public emasculation.

on the self-flagellation tip, i'm also nearly done with my terrible little tale about what happens when menlove gets a bit too excited and is left to his own devices in the moot court room. let's just say that shit gets pretty sexy.

before i go, i want to give a shout out to "randy" who emailed me about a little side project that hellerstein's been working on. i never knew that the dude was so musically inclined... check it out here.

oh, and don't forget about my little side project.

hasta,

-menlove

black angus in a pensive mood

2005-04-04T22:18:00.000-04:00

so i've been befuddled by technical difficulties lately, and have had trouble getting a post online. i spent a little bit of time this weekend writing up a poll about everyone's favorite topic, masturbation, but i had a bit of trouble getting it up for you guys.

(hee hee... i said i had trouble getting it up.)

anyway, the old site i used to use to make polls isn't working right anymore, so i guess we won't be voting for it. though i'd imagine that if it came down to a vote, masturbation would win in a landslide.

well, at least i'd vote for it. i'm definitely pro-masturbation. i try not to be too overtly political on this blog, but this is one issue i actually feel very strongly about.

though i don't make a daily habit of stroking it in school or anything like that, i actually did whip it out at BLS one time for a bit of self-flagellation (although not in the library), but that's a long story, and perhaps one that might push the limits of good taste and decorum, even for my randy and rowdy readership. it's probably best that i don't tell you all about it, lest i alienate or frighten off the five readers i have left.

(you know i'm fucking with you. since you guys brought it up, i'll totally be telling you my mootsturbation story in the next few days... just don't say i didn't warn you.)

***
thanks to the person who posted that fun link on the message board. here's another one that's pretty fun as well.

before i sign off, i have to note that today i rode in the elevator twice with a woman from section 8 to whom i was definitely introduced in the first couple weeks of school. we sat in the same row during a class last semester, and have since spent hundreds of hours in each other's presence throughout the course of the year, as well as countless hours in the library. though we've never been friends or even been chummy, i'm 100% positive that she recognizes my face, and probably also knows my name.

anyway, the point is that both times in the elevator, even though we were the only two people in it, she acted like she didn't know me or didn't even see me at all. the first time i saw her i said hello, and the second ride in the elevator, i just sort of made eye contact, but both times, i got abosolutely no response.

what's up with that? i have to wonder if this is a case of rudeness or shyness or just plain obliviousness to one's surroundings. has anyone else had this issue? i figure that at this point, i'll say hi to everyone in section 8 and section 9, even the people who annoy me or whose names i don't really know.

i mean, are people really that shy that they can't even say hello? or are people that conceited that they can't even say hi to someone they've basically worked with all year, even when he's totally a menlovian loser like me?

anyway, that's all the venting i need to do on that. it's not a big deal, but i just thought it was weird.

maybe we should try a little experiment:

i don't care where, when, or to whom you do this, but at some point this week, let's all smile and say hello to someone who we usually ignore. it could be the guy you always sit near in the cafeteria, or the girl who always walks in late and sits in front of you in civ pro. it might even be me, and believe me, you'd be making my day if you did.

answer key

2005-04-01T00:22:00.000-05:00

i'll admit that poser's "two economists are walking down the street" joke wasn't exactly hilarious, but you had to love his lead-in: waving off a student comment and declaring, "i have to get this off my chest."

i'm going to get right down to business tonight, as i've still got a few hours to spend with our beloved DHH text. congratulations to the winner of the year-in-pictures contest, who asked to be identified as "raj." raj, i'll be emailing you in a day or two to let you know where you can pick up your prize. anyway, congrats, and thanks to the five people who tried to identify all of the images.

anyhow, to those of you who care, here's the answer key to my year-in-pictures from a couple days ago.

just a shower head, right? wrong. Raj got this one right... it's a famous shot from hitchcock's psycho.
i don't know where the hell pic #2 went, but it was colonel kilgore from apocalypse now.
come on, you've got to know that's the dude, listening to the sounds of the humpback whales! 4/5 of you got this right.
just some cool pic of a cat... not from any movie / tv show that i know of.
a cast photo from "head of the class," a mediocre tv show about a bunch of nerds. bonus points to those of you who remembered (or looked up) character names such as arvid engen (the biggest nerd), dennis blundon (the fat guy), eric (the bad boy), darlene (the one who got her ass kicked by iron mike), and simone (the hot-ass redhead).
barton fink!
just a lightning bolt, not from a movie
this is from the classic film, "a night in paris" starring paris hilton. in this scene, she is giving skull to the cameraman. and yes, that is just the tiniest bit of dong in the corner of the frame. i like to slip in a little pinga here and there.
some of the best tracking shots of all time... the first of four pics from the shining. the character on the trike is danny torrance. Raj got bonus points for naming the overlook hotel as another character pictured in this shot... it's a nice place to spend the winter. "perfect for a child."
obviously this is willy wonka. bonus points to the person who also named charlie bucket.
also from the shining. no one got this one right, but these are delbert grady's daughters. or their ghosts. or something.
kurtz from apocalypse.
danny again rockin' the bomb-ass haircut.
it's those wacky grady girls again.
annie from misery
a couple of you guessed that this is steve prefontaine, but i'm pretty sure it's just a random pic of some dude running.
regan from the exorcist. that one was a gimme.
i have no idea who this dude is, but he's pretty much my hero.
this is bobby in deliverance squealing like a pig.
i love this frame. it's leonard lawrence a.k.a. private gomer pyle from full metal jacket.

just one more class until the weekend. next week is my big moot court thingy. obviously, i'm not exactly excited for that one, but it'll be cool i hope. there was a great post on intermeddler yesterday on the topic of the moot court tryouts; read it if you're looking for any helpful hints and suggestions.

this comment just came in on yesterday's entry, and i don't want it to get lost in the shuffle: "Menlove, can you post a masturbation poll on the site? This convo has got me thinking- how often do other people masturbate? I mean, I pull at least once a day, if not more. I'm curious- am I a freak?"

menlove replies: once a day, if not more? you are a dirty, dirty sinner. unfortunately, last time i tried posting a poll, it didn't work. i'll try again in the next few days, but feel free to discuss on the message board in the meantime.

finally, if you haven't already, feel free to email me right now at menlovebls@hotmail.com, and pledge a dollar or more for Africare. i hate to come off like sally struthers, but we raised over 200 dollars this week, and maybe we can keep it going in the coming week as well.

have a great weekend, every last one of you.

good grief

2005-03-31T00:05:00.000-05:00

thanks for the kind words that a few of you posted after my last entry. that fucker actually took me a long time to put together, so i'm glad that some of you liked it.

i should also mention that another 54 bucks rolled into the Africare fund yesterday. in other words, we're already almost 40% of the way to becoming life members of Africare. this is really amazing to me. i figured we'd raise two hundred dollars, max. in fact, i felt pretty secure in my belief that the $1500 mark was high enough that i'd never have to reveal my identity.

however, now it's looking like it might go either way. although i'm not at all excited about the prospect of pulling back the veil on my anonymity, i will admit that a part of me is rooting for this to actually work, just because we'd be doing something so tremendously meaningful for people really need our help. like i've said before, some things are bigger than any one person.

anyway, what i want to write about today is how law school still sucks after spring break. i must have been delusional last week when i wrote about being somewhat excited to get back into the swing of things. thus far, classes have been really boring, and hardly anyone has been prepared when they've been called on in class. plus, legal writing is still draining every remaining ounce of joy out of my miserable existence.

i reached a personal low this morning in property, a class that is becoming increasingly pointless for me with each passing week. the class was so bad, in fact, that i actually passed through all five stages of grief during the 110 minutes that we sat together.

and why was i grieving, you may ask? because something about that class always makes me die a little bit on the inside.

the five stages of grief

DENIAL: she's not still talking about J-Lo and Matt Damon, is she?

ANGER: why the fuck are we discussing a case she told us to skip?!?!?!!!

BARGAINING: lord, let this break last fifteen minutes, and i'll never masterbate again. i mean i won't masterbate again today. while i'm at school. in the library. thinking about the register girl in the cafeteria. i swear i won't do that if you just stretch this break out a little bit more. no deal? you mean you want me to keep my hands off myself all day, even when i get home? jesus christ, god, you drive a pretty hard bargain. ok, i'll tell you what. i'll agree to your terms, but with one caveat: you have to email me a property outline, and i'm talking about a really good one, not like that piece of shit you sent me for civ pro last semester. what? how can you say that? it was so a piece of shit. it said that a rule 6 violation pertained only to cases involving leonard part 6. well how the fuck was i supposed to know that was just a joke?

DEPRESSION: skip back 400 pages to ernst v. conditt? i don't remember any cases about go-karts. what's the point? there's no reason for me to go on. it doesn't even matter if i fail this class because i'm not going to pass the bar anyway. and i'm fat.

ACCEPTANCE: my understanding of property law will not be extended today.

***
interestingly enough, the people sitting around me do seem to be getting a lot out of property class, and enjoying it on some level. i can only conclude that my grief stems from some sort of fault of my own - a lack of preparation or cognitive horsepower - rather than from any extrinsic factor. sometimes i wish i weren't such a menlove.

-menlove

the year in pictures

2005-03-28T01:27:00.000-05:00

menlovian edit: the website i credited for providing some of the pics in this article got mad at me for using them, so i removed them. therefore, there's really no point in reading this article.

we're now officially entering into the home stretch, and it's times like these that always make me feel like looking back and reflecting. perhaps this is because the prospect at looking at what's ahead is absolutely terrifying.

anyway, it's been a wild and memorable year, to say the least. here's what i remember. the moments recorded below are the indelible images burned into my mind from the last seven months of the school year. perhaps some of you have experienced the year slightly differently than i have; regardless, i'd imagine that at least a few of you may know where i'm coming from.

(warning: the following entry contains violent and sexual images. proceed with reasonable caution.)

so without further ado, here it is:

the year (so far) in pictures

getting ready for the first day of orientation! feeling good. excited. nothing to fear.

in fact, feeling a bit confident... cocky... i'm going to be great at this! i mean, after all, i got almost all A's during my last semester of senior year! this won't be so tough. i'm going to be on law review! no, i'm going to edit the law review! you smell that? do you smell that? ...napalm, son. nothing else in the world smells like that. i love the smell of napalm in the morning. i feel good...

relaxed...

confident.

but then you get to the first day of class, and it hits you...

some of these here fuckers are pretty smart.

so you stay in the library until your head spins, but can't avoid the fact that you are incapable of retaining all of the information. but it's ok... at least you haven't gotten called on yet. until...

lightning strikes! just as you're getting into a torrid sexual fantasy during a sleepy crim law morning, you realize that it's your name coming out of pitler's mouth.

so he begins pounding away at you. the moment it's over, you realize...

i just got fucked, and everybody watched it happen.

but you shrug it off, and work even harder. besides...

exams are still pretty far away.

so you keep cruising along, constantly rationalizing about how next week you'll surely have time to start outlining, to write your brief. but law school is relentless. things start going out of control...

it's just going so fast! i can't catch my breath!

there's no earthly way of knowing
which direction you are going
there's no knowing where you're rowing
or which way the river's flowing.

is it raining? is it snowing?
is a hurricane-a-blowing?

(you won't know. you'll be in the library.)

and the weeks just fly by, until suddenly:

it's december. the exams are upon you.

regular classes are over. it's the night before your first exam, and you have officially lost your mind.

you watch a snail crawl along the edge of a straight razor. that's your dream. that's your nightmare. crawling, swiftly, along the edge of a straight... razor... and surviving........

but exams can't be that bad, can they?

you silly fool!

crim law exam: a bloody mess

torts exam: a crippling blow

civ pro: a friggin' marathon

con law: you're not looking so hot anymore.

but it's over. at least it's finally over.

time to blow off some steam. i wonder what the scene's like at that bar everyone's going to?

ah yes, this looks like it will be an affair to remember.

1:43 a.m.: hello, i do believe that we've not spoken all semester.

1:44 a.m.: no, we haven't. i'm menlove. damn that exam sucked.

1:45 a.m.: sure did. perhaps we should sleep together tonight.

1:46 a.m.: i concur.

praise the lord, it's finally winter break. and that's cool, except that you're completely broke, can't get an interview, and it's twelve degrees outside.

and then your exam grades are posted:

total ass fuck.

goodbye, law review...

so long, proud parents...

adios, 125K in 2007!

break is over as soon as it began, and second semester, it happens all over again. the faces are the same. the workload is just as bad. the stress is still constant.

but one thing's different:

you've chaged. something inside you has snapped. there is no more confident, no more afraid, no more relaxed.

there is no feeling at all. you are broken, beaten, a shell of your former self.

you are... in a world... of shit.

***

if you're still procrastinating... here's a contest for menlovian readers: how many of the characters pictured above can you name? and if it's not a picture of a character, what movie or show is it from?

email your answers to menlovebls@hotmail.com. the person who gets the most names correct wins a teeny tiny prize, paid for by old menlove. in case of a tie, the winner will be the person i deem to have the most worth as a human being.

thanks for reading, everyone. i had fun writing it. see you with the dozer...

-menlove

la guapa

2005-03-28T00:21:00.000-05:00

just a quick note...

someone just gave the most amazing donation yet! thank you to the kind and generous person who brought us over the $500 plateau on the BLSforGood website. we are now more than a third of the way towards our goal of raising 1500 dollars for Africare!

thanks again to everyone who has contributed!

***
i'm nearly done with the year-in-pictures piece i've been working on, and will try to have that for you in the next day or two.

i'll see you all in property tomorrow morning! i'm actually really excited about seeing professor jones again after this break. i have a feeling it'll be an interesting class.

adios, sanchitos.

woo wooo!!!

2005-03-23T00:42:00.000-05:00

Bonjour! Konichiwa! Al salaam a'alaykum! Ni hao! Hello! ¡Hola! Chào! Bon giorno! Guten Tag! Jambo! Zdravstvuite! Shalom! Dobar Dan!

hope you're all enjoying these few final and fleeting days of spring break. it's been a nice little stretch of time off for your old friend menlove; however, i'm realizing that in just a few short days, we'll be back to the normal grind. that totally blows, so i guess all we can really do now is make the most of the time we've got.

anyway, on with the show...

i received a pretty random email a couple of days ago from someone who is thinking about enrolling at good old BLS. they didn't sign the letter, but it appeared in my inbox as being writen by someone named "jes ..." yrbadluck@gmail.com (hopefully you don't mind me posting your email, dude!)

i figured i might as well get everyone's input on it, since you all tend to be quite a bit wiser than i am. check it out:

"when i began researching law schools everyone who knew anything about ny and
brooklyn law sent me to your site. so i have been reading your blog for a while. and wanted to say that you are an amazing writer and your fucking hilarious (my girlfriend thinks you should definetly keep this stuff and publish it or go write for snl or something) anyway, im in the process of making decisions about law school. brooklyn is one of my top choices. i know your busy but i was wondering if you could share your opinions about the school? is it conservative at all? knowing what
you know now would you still decide on brooklyn for law school? is it competitive? overall do you like it? any advice or suggestions are appreciated. thanks"

naturally, i have one or two responses to this inquiry, but i hope that anyone else who reads this will offer their informed perspective either on the message board, or in an email to "jes..."

so, jes, flattery will certainly get you everywhere. in this case, the first half of your letter sufficiently inflated my ego to the point that i'm writing this entire entry for you. thanks for your kind words. unfortunately, i doubt very much that anything i write here is worthy of publication. my best bet would likely be a guest column in the BLS newspaper, but even that seems like a long shot. fortunately, i'm happy where i am, writing what i can to satisfy my fellow BLSers.

you've asked some interesting questions. here's my take, but remember that this is just one idiot's opinion.

is it conservative at all? well, yes, a little bit. of course, this is new york city, home to a great concentration of what some would call "enlightened, progressive, compassionate souls" and what others would call "the liberal elite." from my limited experience with the professors of brooklyn law, it seems as if most of them lean slightly or dramatically to the left. while most of my classmates tend to be liberal as well, a solid chunk (perhaps 15-25%?) would likely describe themselves as fiscally and/or socially conservative, and several other classmates probably fall somewhere in between. in my opinion, this leads to some really interesting class discussions, as well as to arguments / debates with classmates during lunch or over beers.

knowing what you know now would you still decide on brooklyn for lawschool? yes, i would. though at times i regret the decision to come to law school in general, i'm happy that i chose BLS. of course, the reality is that virtually everyone at brooklyn was hoping that they'd get into columbia or NYU (and possibly even fordham or cardozo), and had to "settle" for BLS after being rejected to these other schools. there's really no way to sugarcoat the fact that our beloved BLS is quite simply only the fifth-best law school in new york city.

now obviously, people consider several factors in picking a law school. for instance, in addition to the school's rank, i considered the cost and financial aid / scholarship package available, the neighborhood, the commute, the student body, the programs offered, the physical facilities, and so on.

bottom line, if the only law schools you get into are BLS and columbia, unless you're looking at a full scholarship to BLS, there's really no reason to come here. at columbia, the recruiters wait in line to suck your toes, even if you're a menlove like me. (so i've heard, at least.) however, if you get into several similarly-situated schools such as BLS, st. john's and cardozo, you should give BLS some serious thought. the neighborhood is great, most of the professors are good, and your classmates will generally be very cool, interesting and smart.

is it competitive? it's competitive, but not cut-throat. everyone here understands that the professors are only allowed to give out a certain amount of A's, that only a certain percentage of us will get onto law review, that only a handful of us will land the judicial internships, and that only a few of us will get onto moot court.

some people succeed in all regards. most people try really hard but fall short. a few people just don't care at all.

however, everything i've said so far is true at virtually every law school in the country. what's cool about BLS is that people aren't out to kill each other, to sabotage anyone else's chances for success or anything like that. for instance, if i was to miss a class, i could probably ask at least a dozen people to send me their notes. and i'd gladly return the favor if they needed my help.

before law school, i heard horror stories about pages being ripped out from books and stuff like that. i've never seen anything lame like that happening here. really, the only uncool thing i've heard of so far was that at the end of last semester, a handful of smart people in the class set up some secret study sessions to which no one else was invited (although this may just be hearsay, except that i don't really know what hearsay means, so i'm not sure.) of course, this is their prerogative, and it's not like any secret study session kept me from getting an A anyway.

bottom line: people work hard here and are generally happy to lend a hand. it's a healthy vibe for a law school.

overall do you like it? if you've really been reading menlovian for awhile, you probably know the answer to this question. but to summarize, i'll say that i do not believe that it is possible to truly "like" law school, because it's just so enormously and relentlessly shitty. yet, i'm not unhappy. i've had one or two great professors, made one or two friends, and learned one or two things along the way. i've also made several ones and twos in the bathrooms, but that's neither here nor there...

any advice or suggestions are appreciated. ok, here are some final tidbits of advice and suggestions to help you along your way:

don't try methamphetamines for the first time the night before you take the LSAT.
before you write your exams, learn the difference between "your" and "you're" (i don't mean to pick on you, but i noticed this and other apostrophic errors in your letter, and i'd imagine that sebok & co. would poop on any exam answer with such egregious errors contained therein...)
start an anonymous blog! it's a great way to put off revising your brief for professor schneider.

hope that helped, jes... perhaps my classmates will have a thing or two to add to what i've said so far. good luck on the entire process, and perhaps someday we'll meet over a steaming hot cup of douwe egberts.

***

before i sign off, i've got four quick things to mention.

first, i'd like to welcome "adam" to our little menlovian freaknik thingy. thanks for logging in, dude! nice job on the creative nickname, and thanks also for sharing the funny anecdote about your dad. i wish i could've been there when you explained to him what the hell menlovian is.

second, big ups to the person who posted the link to the famous clip of bubb rubb & lil sis.

i actually saw that clip several months ago, but was happy to see those two again. so happy, in fact, that i had a whistle tip welded into my vas deferens. now my man-queefs make a screaming noise! wooo WOOOO!!!

(ok, that made absolutely no sense. anyway...)

(by the way, if you google bubb rubb, you'll find all sorts of fun soundboards, movie remixes, and images.)

third, we're off to a great start with the fundraising on BLSforGood. if you're interested in helping the people of africa, or even if you're just interested in piercing the menlovian veil, drop me a line at menlovebls@hotmail.com, and let me know how much you'd like to contribute. and thanks again to those of you who have already pledged over 350 dollars!!!

finally, i'll start posting daily again once classes get going. i've been working on a year-in-pictures piece that i think some of you may enjoy, plus some other weird stories and the usual random crap.

keep it real! (real dumb.)

-menlove

out of sight, out of mind...

2005-03-18T01:08:00.000-05:00

yet absence makes the heart grow fonder! oh that professor poser, i just want to give him the biggest hug ever.

on the one in a billion chance that the dozer reads the crap i write, here's another one you can use next year: "look before you leap," yet "he who hesitates is lost."

it did make me feel good today in contracts when he asked whether anyone knew what a proverb was. for about three seconds, i felt really smart, and understood what was going on in class. that's not a common experience for me these days.

by the time that civ pro rolled around, it was fairly evident that everyone had already checked out for spring break. it seemed like no one felt like coming to class, and those people who were actually there didn't bother to read the cases. good old civ pro...

it's like i heard all year how important erie was from my lawyer friends and relatives. now that we're actually studying it, i can hardly muster the energy even to read it.

fuck it, i'm going on vacation tomorrow.

ok, so i've been working for awhile on a little article about "what makes a good law professor." i thought maybe i'd send it to dean wexler (aka d-wex) when i'm done with it, but i need your help as well. if anyone has anything they'd like to share about what makes a good (or bad) law professor, please email me at menlovebls@hotmail.com.

finally, to the weirdo who emailed me the "betting lines" for my identity, i'd be happy to post it for you tonight. but first, i've got to say that the name "crim_law_fanatic" is just fantastic. however, might "fanatic" be too strong a word?

anyway, some of you might have missed it on the message board, but it appears that a small cadre of our classmates have taken the trouble to rank the menlove candidates, and to assign each one odds for their respective degree of, um, menloviness.

i hope to see a goodly amount of bets being laid down in the weeks ahead.

and remember, those of you who want to collect on your bets should check out BLSforGood to monitor our progress. or just go ahead and make your pledge now with a simple email to menlovebls@hotmail.com.

so without further ado, here are the current odds on my identity. having reviewed them thoroughly, i can tell you that crim_law_fanatic and his cronies have done a pretty good job. enjoy, and feel free to comment on the message board.

Current Menlove Odds
mark antar 3-1
evan wagowski 3-1
andrew oldis 3.5-1
sam levy 3.5-1
james murray 4.5-1
scott eckert 7-1
demian ordway 7-1
jed friedman 7-1
scott chait 7.5-1
knox mcilwain 7.5-1
dave knapp 11-1
keith baumann 11-1
all other guys in section nine 20-1
a woman in section nine 25-1
someone not in section nine 35-1
menlove is more than one person 15-1
menlove is professor pitler 40-1

***

i'll try to post once or twice during break. enjoy some well-deserved rest, everyone. remember, there's still plenty of time to bust your ass once school starts up again. i'll see you all on the flipside.

-menlove

rocky balboa

2005-03-16T23:27:00.000-05:00

ok, so i was googling myself today (yes, i admit it, i'm can be a self-centered s.o.b. at times), and i came across the following link. you can check it out quickly right here.

say what? does anyone have any idea what the hell this is all about? and can anyone explain why menlovian's stock is not through the roof?

for those of you who look for clues about my identity in what i write, here's a huge one: i am on call tomorrow in class. therefore, tonights entry will be quick, sloppy, and terribly unsatisfying. (much like my lovemaking style.)

(just kidding... i'm actually not too shabby. but that's neither here nor there. anyway...)

i'd imagine that like me, you guys are counting down the hours until spring break. this being on call thing puts a major crimp in my style, because otherwise, i have virtually zero desire to do any work. i've been finding all sorts of interesting ways to avoid finishing the civ pro reading for tomorrow.

for instance, anyone with three minutes to spare will surely enjoy taking a quick gander at this guy, aka my new hero.

***
once again, mad props go out to those of you who have contributed to Africare thus far. in the last 24 hours, "belladonna" and "anonymous" have officially become mr. and mrs. huxtable! you can check it out at the BLSforGood website.

though i've been blown away by everyone's generosity thus far, remember, every little bit gets us closer to our goal. why not forsake that second cup of coffee this afternoon, and put those two bucks to better use?

ok, i'll get out of telethon mode for now. but let me mention that it's also been a treat for me learning the "alter-egos" of many of our donors thus far. i never would have guessed who most of you guys are. don't worry though, your secret is safe with me. and perhaps i'll eventually be able to return the favor someday.

2005-03-16T01:30:00.000-05:00

big fun in legal writing this morning...

i wish that we could always have 9a and 9b together for that class, because it's a recipe for comedy. we sure were enthusiastic about volunteering for her moot court practice activity, eh?

my favorite student - teacher exchange (and perhaps the least-socratic dialogue of the year) was between mr. oldis and professor schneider...

schneider: so do you guys have any questions about appellate advocacy?
oldis: yeah, what's the deal with the appellate advocacy?

and her reaction was totally like, 'good question,' as if that had to be asked before she would begin teaching her lesson on it.

then the highlight of the day came when robyn showed us the video of hellerstein circa 1979. that was worth the price of admission alone.

let's just say that hella has pretty much been a pimp for at least three decades now. looking surprisingly svelte in his non-husky suit, it was really a treat to watch him completely own his opponent. of course, the funniest thing about the tape was how he kept interrupting the judges in the middle of their questions. the chutzpah on that guy!

anyhow, i guess that i don't really care too much about how the moot court tryout goes. if anything was made clear to me via my trial ad tryout, it's that i don't have any sort of future whatsoever in litigation. if i do manage to pass the bar, i think that my specialty will end up being filing or photocopying or something like that.

even though i'm not too nervous about it since i know that i've got virtually no shot, i have to admit that the idea of talking about RLUIPA for twelve minutes seems a bit unrealistic.

i mean, twelve minutes?!? how the fuck am i going to fill twelve minutes? i'll probably have to bring along a guitar, so that if i run out of arguments, maybe i could just sing "terrapin station" or something like that to fill the time.

***

oh yeah, on yesterday's board, lochner monster asked, "is there any way Menlove we can get a calculator type deal on the blsforgood blogspot- i.e. so we can see the running total? I 'aint no techie but I'm sure there's some coding you can throw in to make it happen."

menlove replies: um, i'm not sure i understand what this calculator's function would be, LM... i sort of already added up the running total towards the top of the BLS for Good website. anyway, if you're thinking of something more complex than that, i doubt i'll be able to figure it out, especially considering that it took me two months to figure out how to post even a picture on menlovian. but let me know what you had in mind, and maybe we can work it out.

***
ok, it's way past my bedtime already, and we've got an exciting morning with beryl in just 9 hours...

remember to send your pledges to menlovebls@hotmail.com. every little bit helps.

visit BLS for Good to see how much progress we've made, or click here to learn more about how to contribute.

BLS for good

2005-03-15T00:51:00.000-05:00

i'm happy to report that many of your classmates have already stepped up and made some very generous pledges for Africare. we're off to a pretty good start so far. more on that later.

it has taken me a lot of time to plan this whole thing, and i'm looking forward to getting back into my normal blogging routine. in the weeks ahead, i'll periodically be putting out some updates and reminders about how our project is progressing, but aside from that, it'll be back to the normal bullshit.

it does seem though that there are some odds and ends to take care of, and now's the time to do it. someone asked on the message board whether there would be a deadline for the fundraising goal. i'm sorry i forgot to include this in yesterday's FAQ.

the answer is yes. i'm going to say that we've got to reach $1,500 by midnight of the day of our final exam, which i believe will be con law on friday the 13th.

some of you also raised the idea of a "coming out" party of sorts to celebrate our work for Africare, and ostensibly to celebrate menlovian & menlove.

i'll think about it. while i'm not thrilled about the idea of being the center of attention at a party, i can see how it might be a more exciting conclusion to menlovian than just a final (though hopefully extremely rewarding) final blog entry.

the only problem with this is that - as i've mentioned before - so many of the final revelations that will be made when we reach our goal - whether these revelations be made by blog or at a fiesta - will surely cause numerous clitorides to sprout up all over your body. this is dangerous enough if you're home alone reading the final blog on your computer, because as the clitorides grow, they will surely rub against one another.

now just imagine if this started happening in a crowded bar, and my clitorides started rubbing against your clitorides, and his clitorides pressed up against her clitorides...

the whole room would be likely to explode in an unfathomable wave of orgasmic, orgiastic delight like something out of a careena collins movie.

so the bottom line is that i'll consider it. if you guys have more brainstorms about how we could pull this off, or make it as fun and memorable as possible, and also make it more about the group, and less about me, let me know either on the message board or via email. thank you also to those of you who have already posted and emailed in support of this idea.

but perhaps we're actually putting the carriage in front of the horse here. to paraphrase from an episode of 'friends' that i saw this week,

joey: all right, rach. the big question is, "will we raise enough money?" all right? because if we don't raise enough money, this is all a moo point.

rachel: huh. a moo point?

joey: yeah, it's like a cow's opinion. it just doesn't matter. it's moo.

***
oh, those crazy friends. but you get the point.

before i go, i just want to thank the uber-generous folks who have contributed so far. maybe someday i'll get to thank you personally, but for now, know that i'm amazed by your kindness.

i've set up the following website where we can keep track of how much progress we make toward our goal. i'll be updating it every day or two as the pledges (hopefully) continue to come in. the website is called BLS for Good, and you can check it out now at blsforgood.blogspot.com.

three days until break! hasta...

-menlove

share the love

2005-03-13T19:00:00.000-05:00

ok, kids, this is it. i've never done anything remotely like this before in my life, so i'm excited and nervous all at once. i believe in this cause, and i also believe that we can reach our goal of raising $1,500 for Africare.

i've prepared the following FAQ to explain how this thing is going to work. if you've got any questions, comments or suggestions, please post them on the discussion board, or email me at menlovebls@hotmail.com.

***

where will our donations be going? the first $1,500 we raise will go to Africare. every additional cent will be donated to YAI/NIPD.

how can i contribute? simply make a "pledge" to contribute by sending an email to menlovebls@hotmail.com. these emails must be sent from you BLS account.

what information should be included in this email? all i really need to know is your name and how much you wish to contribute. also, unless you tell me otherwise, i'll be assuming that it's ok for me to "publish" your name and the amount of your donation. therefore, if you wish to donate anonymously, you need to let me know. also, if you want to donate under a pseudonym, tell me under what name you'd like to have your donation listed.

are these emailed pledges legally binding? by now you should know that your old friend menlove has no idea how the law works. however, i would say that any such email creates at least an ethical obligation.

my aunt fannie wants to contribute, but she doesn't have a BLS account. what should she do? you should collect money from your aunt fannie, and pledge it on her behalf via an email from your BLS account.

how will you collect the money? once we reach our goal, and after all is revealed, you can mail me a check at my address (which i'll obviously be making public at a later date). also, for those of you who wish to give me cash (or save money on a stamp), i'll figure out a couple of dates over the summer when you can find me in the courtyard in front of BLS, and give me your donation in person.

when will you collect the money? in the week or two after i reveal my identity.

ok, so when will you be revealing your identity? assuming we've met our $1,500 goal, i'll come out of the closet - at the latest - within 24 hours after all of our grades are posted.

if someone makes a pledge, then refuses to actually pay, will you be posting their picture on menlovian, and writing unimaginably embarrassing things about them for everyone to read? hell yes.

what happens if we don't reach $1,500? if we fall even a dollar short, i won't be collecting any money, and you won't learn my identity. all bets are off, and i'll delete all of your emailed pledges.

do dogs have bellybuttons? i would assume that they do, because they are mammals and have to somehow get nourished while in utero, and this presumably requires an umbilical cord. however, it's strange to think of a mommy dog with like seven or eight different umbilical cords for each of the dogs inside of her like some sort of placental marionette. plus, i've inspected my dog thoroughly, and have yet to locate anything remotely resembling a bellybutton.

what do we get in return for our donations?

the easy answer is that you will have the lifelong satisfaction of knowing that you have made life better for a man, woman or child in a developing african nation. your gift may even be responsible for saving a life.
we will become life members of Africare. that means that "Brooklyn Law School" will be added to the life membership wall in the main lobby of the Africare headquarters building in washington, d.c.
if you choose to have your name posted, you may derive some satisfaction from having your classmates know what an incredibly generous mofo you are.
finally, you will receive the answers to the following questions: who is menlove? how did he publicize menlovian without giving away his identity? what sneaky subterfuge did menlove employ to maintain his anonymity? which professor very nearly blew his cover during a class? which of his classmates came closest to figuring out who he is? is there really a princess strawberry margarita, and if so, who is she? and as i've mentioned in the past, learning the answers to these questions may cause clitorides to grow all over your body. some of you may enjoy this.

ok, one final question... how do we know that this isn't just some gigantic scam, and that you won't be pocketing the money, or spending it all on a Cosby Show DVD box set? what, am i going to break into africare's headquarters and carve our fucking name on the wall? i didn't even have the nerve to put a check next to my name on sebok's seating chart. plus, even if there was a cosby show box set, i can watch it on tv for free like six times per day. still, i understand your concern (you'll all make fine lawyers some day.) to allay your fears, i will be making available to anyone who cares to see them whatever receipts or thank you letters Africare and YAI/NIPD send to us.

***

don't wait another minute. it's time to share the love. highlight and copy the following sentence:

my name is (insert name here) and i pledge to donate $ (insert amount here) to Africare!

now paste it into an email, and send it to menlovebls@hotmail.com

you kick ass!

nuttin' butt love / nothin' but love

2005-03-11T01:01:00.000-05:00

what's up, everyone? menlove is drunk & happy, or at least i was until i read the message board from yesterday's post, and had to delete one of the lamest comments of all time...

to the loser who posted at 10:53 pm last night, you know who you are. don't use my discussion boards to denigrate your classmates. this isn't high school, and this isn't a frat house. grow the fuck up, moron.

***

so also on the message board, someone asked for a bit of dating advice for the "lustful" "Mister Creamer." (great nickname... put it on the resume.) well, here's what i think...

either she reads menlovian or she doesn't. let's assume she doesn't. if that's the case, then there's no problem because she won't know the whole backstory of your feelings about her, and the ejaculatory response they elicit. just buck up, smile, and give it your best shot.

on the other hand, if she does read menlove, then anything i suggest to you here, she'll end up reading as well. if that's the case, then you're screwed.

perhaps if i were better at writing the html code, i could figure out a way to turn menlovian into a dating website. it would be super-cool if everyone logged in and submitted all of their crushes to me, and i could match people up. what would be even cooler is that i would then know who was into whom, and whenever i got bored in class, i could think about them boning each other.

alas, this ain't happening. on the topic of html, i've got a message for "saucy intruder." i'm not sure if you even read menlovian these days, but on intermeddler's site, you mentioned that you'd be emailing me some tips on how to edit the html on the template. unfortunately, i never received this email from you. if you have a chance, please resend it to menlovebls@hotmail.com.

also, i've been enjoying the submissions from those of you who have been taking guesses about my identity. for those of you who haven't taken a stab at it yet, feel free to give me an email, and let me know your top 1-3 candidates.

***

by the way, i have to admit that gora actually got me to chuckle a couple times today. once when when he asked, "what is she doing driving around montreal with this couple from texas... you ever wonder about that?" also great was when he described the Piper case as "delicious."

way to go, G!

***

ok, now on to the business at hand. i've selected a charity for the "menlove-identity" fund: Africare.

africare is one of the world's premier non profit organizations. as their name suggests, they specialize in aid to africa.

i think it's a really good cause. when you have a chance, check them out here to learn about all of the amazing work they're doing. it's also quite reputable; Charity Navigator gave it a 4-star rating, and the American Institute of Philanthropy called it one of its "Top-Rated Charities."

this is a cause that i feel very strongly about. i know that some people choose to isolate themselves from the harsh realities of what goes on everyday outside of our BLS bubble, but many of you are undoubtedly aware of the dire and desperate lives that so many african people lead.

for instance, did you know that

twenty percent of Africa's children die before the age of five.
more than 29 million people in sub-saharan africa are HIV-positive. more than 12 million african children have been orphaned by AIDS.
lack of AIDS education has led to the perpetuation of myths such as the "virgin cure," which has led to the rape of countless young african girls, many of them only infants.
last year in africa, 30 million were people at risk of starvation or are facing severe food shortages. this includes 14 million people in ethiopia alone. sub-saharan africa has the highest proportion of people who are starving, with poverty affecting 46.3% of the population.

the more i learn about this stuff, the more i realize that my little problems and law school stresses are ultimately insignificant.

as i said yesterday, i am setting a very ambitious goal for all of us: $1,500. for this amount, we will become life members of africare. brooklyn law school's name will be added to the life membership wall in the main lobby of the africare house (the africare headquarters building in washington, d.c.), and we'll all have the satisfaction of knowing that we did something really amazing for people who need our help.

in the next few days, i'll fill you in on all the details as to how you can make your pledge to donate. as i said before, if we raise 1500 dollars together, you'll get full menlovian disclosure on my part. if we fall even a dollar short, then all of your pledges will be cancelled, i'll never "come out," and you'll all go to your graves wondering who the fuck i am. (jeez, that was a bit melodramatic!)

by the way, what happens if we exceed the goal i'm setting? well, it just so happens that our very own joe nivin emailed me about another extremely worthy cause called the YAI/National Institute for People with Disabilities. you can check it out here. every cent we raise beyond $1500 will be sent on behalf of BLS to provides services and healthcare for people of all ages with a wide variety of developmental and learning disabilities including mental retardation, autism, and asperger's syndrome.

(thanks, joe, for bringing YAI/NIPD to my attention!)

so that's it for now. on monday, i'll lay out all of the details of the "pledging" process, and start accepting bids. as these last two months of school go by, i'll keep you all posted as to how close we are to our goal, and i'll also make public the names of people who have contributed (aside from those of you who wish to give anonymously - or, in the spirit of legal writing class, pseudonymously). all the while, i'll keep on posting my usual idiotic inanity, observations, and horrifying works of fiction. how this story ends is up to all of you.

maybe this weekend, if you've got a minute or two, you could follow some of the links i've provided above, and learn more about Africare. it might also be a good idea to think about which of your wealthy aunts, uncles, friends and employers you could hit up for a donation.

much love,

-menlove

hotties

2005-03-09T12:34:00.000-05:00

hi guys...

on the message board, someone brought up the topic of hot guys in our class. are there a lot of hot guys in our section? or is there a lack thereof?

i'd say we're a pretty good looking bunch. i know i'm friggin' cute. and when i look around the room, i'm constantly blown away by all those handsome faces, but maybe that's just me. i'll leave this one up to you all to figure out.

ladies? gay men? aesthetes? what do you think?

also on the message board, someone asked about the charity thing: "To clarify: Is your offer above asking for performance or a PROMISE to perform?" to tell you the truth, i'm a little bit behind on my contracts reading, so i really can't say. if anyone cares to explain to me what the difference is, then perhaps i'd be able to answer that question.

finally, someone asked about what the charity will be. i'm about 90% sure that i've picked out a great one:

check it out here.

no, seriously, i'll be announcing the real cause tomorrow. i've pretty much got it picked out already, but i need another day to make sure it'll get us the most bang for our buck. i'll let you know as soon as i do.

***

i really should get back to work, as i'm not nearly done with contracts for tomorrow. however, before i go, i've got to say that i've been rather amused with all of the guessing that's been going on recently about my identity.

it makes me curious to know how many of you have actually figured out who i am. therefore, if you have a spare moment, why not email me at menlovebls@hotmail.com, and tell me who you've got your money on as being the "real" menlove. if you wish, you can tell me your top two or three candidates.

there may be a prize in it for the winner. let's see how well you do.

2-4-6-0-1

2005-03-08T02:11:00.000-05:00

Who am I?
Can I conceal myself for evermore?
Pretend I'm not the man I was before?
And must my name until I die
Be no more than an alibi?
Must I lie?
How can I ever face my fellow men?
How can I ever face myself again?
My soul belongs to God, I know
I made that bargain long ago
He gave me hope when hope was gone
He gave me strength to journey on

Who am I?
Who am I?

I'm JEAN VALJEAN!!!

***

property was pretty fun today. beryl spoke aproximately 60,000 words. of those, i was able to comprehend the following 38:

"can you please close the door be back at five after twelve ok i'll give this side a break just be ready next time this is what professors do when they don't know the answer see you wednesday. "

if any of you missed any of that during class, feel free to copy and paste the above paragraph into your notes.

the remaining 59,962 words were just a big blur of chalkdust, wild gestures, and a particularly exasperated brand of turbo-dictation. beryl is often a pretty good teacher. but recently, she's been so scattered and erratic, i basically haven't had a clue what's been going on in class. i do the homework, i review my notes before class begins, but once the clock hits 11:00, it's like being in the midst of a tornado.

a crack-addicted tornado that's having an epileptic seizure while falling down a flight of stairs.

maybe it's just me, and i'm having trouble keeping up with the rapid pace of the class. i'll be the first to admit that i'm not the sharpest needle in the hayrick. but when a professor is dealing with a roomful of (for the most part) very smart people, and ten students in a row are unable to answer (or even understand) her questions, then we've got a problem.

oh well. hopefully wednesday will be a bit better.

***

let's do some quick reader mail...

***

"Altered Ego" asks: "yo gentle EM, question...how much has your reading habits changed since september? you take notes while reading on computer? you take notes while reading? you highlight? or you just down to where i'm at...no pen, no marker, straight huck finn style"

menlove replies: it's not so much of a "huck finn" style as it is a "hustler" style. by "hustler style," i mean that i keep my law school books hidden in my sock drawer, and only read them late at night with a flashlight under the covers, usually while flogging my dicta.

***

"anonymous" writes: "My last post was ignored (how convienient) that I think Menlove is Mark..."

menlove replies: oh, you felt ignored, huh? life does not start and stop at your convenience, you miserable piece of shit.

(no insult intended. i just like to quote from the big lebowski. it's one of the several things i do to make you think that i'm mark.)

***

in a similar vein, "anonymous" writes: "Seriously, menlove. It's only a matter of time. I, for one, am rooting for you to hold out as long as possible in revealing your identity. I think it would be fantastic if you managed to ride out the year. Next year it's going to be impossible though. Someone will triangulate who you are from the classes you take. But I'm still rooting for your anonymity."

menlove replies: i believe that i'll make it to the end of this year with no problems. everyone pretty much keeps on getting further (or is it farther?) from figuring my shit out. most of you aren't even looking in the right half of the room... perhaps you should apply some sort of intermediate-level scrutiny to your gender-based classifications.

regarding next year, i agree that keeping my identity will be impossible.

i've said it before, and i'll say it again right now: menlovian will be concluding in just about two months, so enjoy it while it lasts. it takes too much energy and secrecy to keep this thing going. i love doing it, and it's something that i'm proud of and that i'm glad i've created, but it's just a 1L thing for me. i've got other plans for the next two years.

in terms of my identity... i'm glad that most of you are rooting for my anonymity. one of the first things that anyone ever posted on my message boards was that i should "keep it anonymous... it wouldn't work otherwise," or something to that effect. i believe this as well.

and as i've said before, i have absolutely zero interest in going public with my identity. another thing i've mentioned before is that i started writing menlovian for the sake of my own sanity, to keep myself distracted from how much i hated law school. after awhile, i realized that i was writing for a second reason: i saw that a few people were actually enjoying my idiotic little piece of the blogosphere, and this gave me a bit of quiet satisfaction as well. i like doing things for my friends in general, and i generally consider most of section 9 and section 8 to be my pals.

although, there is one final thing i've alluded to before, and i'll spell it out in black and white today... a couple people used to send emails to me, offering me various amounts of cash or sexual favors in exchange for my identity. this got me thinking that if enough people care that much about knowing who i am, then perhaps i could turn this curiosity into something bigger and more purposeful than i'd realized.

so here's the deal...

in the weeks ahead, i will be choosing a charity that matters to me. i will set a fundraising goal that is just at the edge of reasonability (reasonableness?), meaning that it will be very hard, but not impossible to attain. anyone who cares to know my identity (or who simply believes in the cause that i choose) can make a "pledge" to donate whatever amount they want towards the goal that i set. pledges will be sent via email, from BLS accounts to my anonymous menlovian mailbox. you'll get to choose whether or not you want me to post your name and your donation amount on menlovian. i'll keep everyone posted on how close we're getting to our fundraising goal.

if we fall even one dollar short, i will not be collecting donations from anyone. the whole thing will be off. i'll write a brief farewell and thank you to all of you, then i'll disappear like a fart in the wind. the only people who will ever know who i am will be me (obviously), and my lovely PSM.

however, if we meet or exceed the goal that i set, i will collect everyone's donations in a rapid and organized fashion, and will send our big donation in one lump sum to the worthy charity of my choosing. the donation will be made on behalf of BLS, not in my name or in any individual's name. i will also make available to everyone proof of our donation, so you can be sure that i'm not running any kind of scam here (though i'd imagine that by now, you know that i'm not the kind of guy who would pull any fraudulent shit like that on my friends).

finally, if we reach this goal, instead of publishing a simple goodbye / thank you note, i will publish a final exclamation-point-of-an-entry that will curl your teeth and make your clitorides explode. (yes, the plural of clitoris is clitorides, not clitora or clitorises. i looked it up.) and if you don't have a clitoris, this final menlovian entry will actually cause clitorides to grow all over your body, and as they grow they will rub against each other, causing a clitoridectal orgasmic explosion of biblical proportions.

not only will i reveal my identity in this final blog, but i will tell you how i created it, and how i spread the word about it during those early days of september. in it, i will come clean about all of the subterfuge and sneakiness i employed to maintain my anonymity, let you know where i've been honest and where i've mislead you, and will congratulate the people who have come closest to piercing my (corporate?) veil. all will be revealed, and in the process, we'll do something really, really good for people who would truly benefit from our generosity.

so there you have it. let me know what you think.

moot means irrelevant, right?

2005-03-07T00:23:00.001-05:00

i'm glad that you guys liked my rehnquist story from last time. thanks for the compliments, especially to the person who complimented me ten times. maybe someday i'll write a story that doesn't involve any sort of talking donkeys, overflowing toilets, dubbing of pornographic videos, or NAMBLA... though i doubt it.

also, thanks and mad props go out to "amused older bro" who dropped some major knowledge on all of our pathetic, puny little asses. i don't think that any other posting on any other message board this year made me feel quite so "o.k." about this whole process.

who is the lucky younger sibling of this amused older bro, i wonder?

i'm glad that the whole late-to-class debate is subsiding because, honestly, it was boring the hell out of me. someone asked for my opinion on the matter, so here you go:

i don't care. i don't notice so much when people come to school late. if i do, it doesn't bother me to have something to look at for five seconds. i'm not really that uptight. if it really bothers you (as it clearly does, to some of you at least), i'd suggest that rather than coming on here and calling people names like "stampy" anonymously, why not just approach the person like an adult after class and let them know that their continued disruptions are making it difficult for you to concentrate?

i've found that most people are rational adults who respond very well to civil, reasonable criticism. if they refuse to cooperate, then you can come on here and start the name-calling.

on a related note, wasn't "stampy" bart's elephant's name on the simpsons?

yes, i believe that it was.

anyhow, if someone coming in late like that really makes you angry, i'd suggest that you find someone to have sex with. in my experience, i've found that sex (the physical act of love. coitus.) makes me care a lot less about all of the thousands of potentially-annoying people and things in the world.

speaking of sex, whatever happened to that dude theobald? did he finally get some trim, or what? theobald, fill us in, brother!

ok, so it's back to the normal grind this week. i feel tremendously relieved to have the moot court tryout behind me. for those of you who care about what goes on in my life, you won't be surprised to hear that i totally bombed both my opening statement and my cross-x. it was a total debacle.

i mentioned last week that my opponent was very smart, but i had no idea that she would be so friggin' prepared for the thing as well. as she was giving her opening statement, i knew that i was fucked, as she had the whole thing completely memorized, and also employed a variety of gestures, eye contact, and so on.

i, on the other hand, pretty much stammered and stuttered throughout the whole thing. the only gesture i made was to continually check to make sure that my suit jacket was still buttoned. i don't know why i kept doing it, but i couldn't help it. it was as if i thought that the butterflies in my stomach were going to push so hard against it that it would just pop off or something. the bottom line is that every ten seconds or so, my hand was touching my button. the judge guy cut me off before i was even finished with my opening, but i was relieved to have a break.

my oppenent then proceeded to pull off an amazing cross-x. she basically had everything from the packet completely memorized, and was able to make the witness look like a miserable lying fuck.

so then i got up there. by this point, i was pretty much ready to surrender, but i went through with it anyway. it was a miserable experience. every time the witness lied to me, i stood there, completely stupefied. i couldn't get any kind of rhythm going to my questions at all. at one point, i think i even caught two of the judges looking at each other and laughing at me.

but the worst thing was that my opponent kept on making objections throughout my whole thing. i didn't even know that we were allowed to do this, since no one from moot court had bothered to mention it in the packet they gave us. so whenever i managed to get a decent question out of my mouth, she was there to complain about it! i was so flustered and upset. the worst thing was that every time she objected, the judge guy kept looking at me and saying, "counselor, your response?"

now i didn't have a fucking clue how to respond. the only line that kept popping into my head was "point of parliamentary procedure," which i think was what otter said in animal house.

the bottom line is that i turned in - what else? - a totally menlovian effort, and there is absolutely NO chance that i'll be on the trial ad team. couple that with the fact that my brief grade pretty much rules out any chace of me making the other moot court team, and that makes me a two-time loser. and add to that the fact that my grades make it pretty much impossible for me to get onto any of the law reviews, and that makes it strike three against ol' menlove.

all i can really do now is hope that "amused older bro" knows what he's talking about.

good news!

2005-03-04T01:01:00.000-05:00

after many weeks of trying, i was actually able to line up a summer job this afternoon! as i have been hoping all along, i will be clerking this summer at the u.s. supreme court for chief justice rehnquist. my responsibilities will include changing his colostomy bag, telling him how to interpret the constitution, and advising him as to what types of stripes, patches and doilies he should sew onto his robe to give him more of an authoritative air.

i'll admit that i was a bit nervous going in there for the interview. in the waiting room outside his chambers, it was me with all these columbia and yale types, all of whom had already earned their JD's and passed the bar and edited their law reviews and everything else, all with high grades and distinctions, and then there i was, sitting in the corner, reading my casenotes for property class, not even wearing matching socks.

truth be told, the interview did not go well at first. rehnquist was so bored and annoyed with me, he hardly even paid attention to what i was saying about my background and pathetic undergraduate accomplishments. in fact, he was eating sour patch kids the entire time i was there. when i asked if i could have one, he told me, and i quote, "if you touch my sour patch kids, i will choke you like the little bitch that you are." (rehnquist is a man of such intellect and gravitas that the words actually come out of his mouth italicized!)

then he started asking me questions about the law and about my opinions on current matters of united states jurisprudence; i alternately answered "can i pass?" or "i take the fifth?" he soon tired of me, and told me to see myself out.

with a heavy heart, i accepted yet another round of professional rejection; however, my saving grace was that as i got up to leave, i started hearing this weird gurgling sound behind me. i almost ignored it, but it turned into this sick, wet rattling noise. i looked behind me, and there was chief justice rehnquist standing at his desk, choking on a sour patch kid.

there were tears running down his cheeks, and a thin trail of snot had rocketed out of his nose. his old hands were clasped around his neck, making the universal sign for choking.

you can imagine that i was more than a little freaked out. there was no time to think, so i jumped into action. unfortunately, i don't know how to do CPR or anything like that, so what i did was to start looking at all the stuff on his desk, trying to find something i could use to whack him on the back, and hopefully dislodge the offending piece of candy.

his desk was a mess, full of all sorts of clutter and bric-a-brac. there were several bottles of mad dog 20/20, and i was just about to grab a bottle of banana red, but i figured that could be dangerous if it accidentally shattered on his back as i hit him with it. so instead, i picked up this five pound dumbell he was using as a paperweight, but then i thought better of it, because if there's one thing i've learned this week, it's that those things can actually be rather deadly. so finally i just grabbed this big phone directory off of his desk. its cover said "NAMBLA membership guide 2005," and while this struck me as being a bit curious, there was no time to think. i just rolled it up into a tube like you would to swat a fly, brought my arm back as far as i could, then started hacking away at the justice's back.

at first i thought it was working, because i heard some things beginning to dislodge. but as it turns out, justice rehnquist is like a really frail old man, and the impact of the NAMBLA guide was denting his rib cage and spinal column with every swing. i had to stop, lest i leave his body riddled with concave dents and divots.

by this point the old codger was turning blue, and i knew that i had to think fast. i grabbed him by the shoulders, and spun him around to face me, then stuck my hand as far as i could into his mouth. my hope was that i'd be able to grab the obstruction with my fingers, but alas, it was too far down his windpipe for me to reach it.

but then i saw something. it was the craziest thing, but the chief justice had this little hole right on the front of his neck.* it looked like a wrinkly and crusty belly button that had gone on a hike straight up his body!

i realized that this could not be a coincidence. this strange and wonderful neck-portal was there for a reason: for me to save the life of the chief justice of the united states supreme court!

so i cupped my left hand around the back of his skull to hold his head steady, then i took my right index finger, and slowly thrust my finger into his throat. there was some rough friction at first, but by the time i got past the second knuckle, it slid along rather easily. and then i felt it! i could just barely reach it, even with my finger rammed in as far as it would go, i could only touch it with my finger tip, but there was no doubt that i had found the sour patch kid.

but still, all i could do was nudge it around a little bit. his adam's apple bobbed back and forth as i probed and prodded the candy with my finger, and little bubbles started to form at the corner of his mouth, but i simply could not dislodge the damn thing.

i knew that there was only one chance left to save his life. i yanked my finger out of his neck, pulling out a long trail of phlegmy goo that smelled strangely of banana red, then grabbed the back of his neck like i was going to give him a kiss, but instead, i wrapped my mouth around the hole in his neck, and began sucking away at it with a vigorous head-bobbing motion. the sucking and slurping noises were like something straight out of a careena collins video, but it was working: i was definitely moving the sour patch kid closer and closer to my mouth! occasionally, his neckhole would kind of get clogged up, but i was fortunately able to clear it with a few flicks of my tongue, without even interrupting my frantic head-bobbing and sucking motions.

and then, with the sound of a half-chewed sour patch kid being sucked out through the neck hole of an old man's throat, i sucked the sour patch kid out of the neck hole of the old man's throat!

it took a minute or two for justice rehnquist to regain his composure, but i didn't mind waiting. i just stood there proudly with a big smile on my face, chewing away happily at the warm and sour lump of candy in my mouth.

but then i remembered: chief justice rehnquist had made it very clear to me earlier that i was not to touch his candy! oh fuck, i thought to myself as my smile transformed into a scowl, i just disobeyed the chief justice of the supreme court. is that illegal? or were his words just dicta? what is the difference between holding and dicta, anyway? i remember professor solan talking about it during orientation. why didn't you listen, menlove! what is it with you always making up stories and daydreaming when you should be learning instead? for all you know, you're chewing on that candy right now in flagrant violation of the constitution! it's probably just a matter of time before--

my inner monologue was interrupted by rehnquist himself, who had by this point fully recovered, and put his hand on the back of my neck.

"i... i am so sorry, your honor. i know you warned me that if i ate your sour patch kid, you'd choke me like a little bitch, and i..."

but then, the irony of these words dawned on me. his warning to me, and what had actually happened, it was just so ridiculous! it was the type of thing that really could only happen in a work of fiction tossed off at one in the morning by a 1L looking for any excuse to procrastinate, when he should be writing his opening statement for the moot court tryout. rehnquist noticed the irony as well, and smiled warmly into my face. he pulled me in close to his body, and embraced me like i was his girlfriend. his fingers traced some lazy circles on the small of my back, and with his old lips, he whispered two sweet words into my ear: "you're hired."

so that's pretty much how i got my summer job.

*by the way, i hope that i didn't offend anyone with my description of the "neck portal." my grandma actually had a tracheotomy, and i know that in most circles, they are no laughing matter. i loved my grandma very much, and now i sort of feel bad for making light of it. but it took a long time to write this story, and most of you have a good sense of humor, so i'm going to let it stand, so if anyone was offended, i apologize. sorry to you as well, grams! you know i miss you and love you.

***

one last thing... i came across this site where you can see the campaign finance contributions our professors made in 2004, and to which candidates they contributed. be sure to view pages 1 & 2. strangely enough, one of our classmates is listed with the faculty as well! i didn't know that knox was already a professor, but it doesn't surprise me. the dude is one smart mofo! in fact, if not for his presence at BLS, i'd likely tip the bell curve so far to the left, that we'd all go sliding off the edge of sebok's blackboard.

you can also click to see contributions from '02 and '00. enjoy.

have a good weekend, everyone. wish me luck on my big tryout tomorrow!!! i'll see you all on the flipside.

-menlove

***

back to menlove's greatest hits

hit the links

2005-03-02T23:47:00.000-05:00

i've really got to be quick tonight. i'm nowhere near done with my opening statement, and i just figured out that my opponent for my matchup is not one to be trifled with. there's little doubt in my mind that i will be thoroughly embarrassing myself this friday. should be a nice little way to kick off the weekend.

so i'm writing that tonight, and not much else here. if you're desperate for a study break, here's a great article from today's NY times about that piece-of-garbage reality show, the bachelorette. it's very well written, and it pretty much spells out how shitty the show is, and how shitty it makes us by watching it. you can find the article here.

(yes, yes, i've finally figured out how to make a link without writing out the whole terrible URL! and to think, it only took me half a year of blogging!) turns out that you don't need any code at all. blogger makes this little button. you push it, and the link basically just makes itself. voila!)

allow me to show off...

click here to see a lazy cat!

or here to see a really big vagina! (warning: slightly disturbing nudity...)

finally, if you're in the mood to see a demonstration little-known fringe benefit of excessive and habitual cocaine use, click here! (warning: fairly disturbing...)

my faithful readers may note that the bachelorette article linked above is similar in some regards to my entry from two nights ago. i'd like to think that the writers at the times basically sit around and wait for me to post my nightly entry so that they can plagiarize it. although, for some reason, i don't think that my poop story will wind up in the paper of record anytime soon.

a similar thing happened in this month's BLS newspaper, as some of the themes from my entry on the new BLS banners have found their way into the school rag. not that i'm really accusing anyone of copying my inane little ideas; it's just that when it comes to trivial commentary, your old friend menlove is occassionally ahead of the curve.

ok, time to get back to hickernell & co. see you all with the dozer.

sandy huggins

2005-03-01T22:28:00.000-05:00

so there was no acting in contracts class today, but we did get to see some old pepsi commercials.

i like the idea of taking a harrier jet to school. in fact, i can see pitler flying into the courtyard in one of those things. more realistically, he'd fly directly up to the window of his office. remember, this is the same guy who (supposedly) suggested at a staff meeting that they install an escalator in 250 joralemon.

damn... i miss you pitler! life was so simple then... no briefs or moot court bullshit. lord, what i would give for just one more pizza party with that fine fellow.

anyway, i'm still hoping to see demian and shammy do their thing in poser's class... hopefully in the next few days or so.

i'm really always trying to write more stuff about civil procedure, but what is there to say, really? we were there for two hours today, but the most exciting thing that happened was that he almost accidentally dismissed us an hour early. what do you all think about gora and this class? what is it about civil procedure profs that makes them so straightforward / down to business / by the book / dry, etc? nan was the same way, but at least by this point during first semester, i had fallen in love with her a little bit. i'm not exactly in love with dean gora. not that there's anything wrong with the guy. what's not to like? it's just that the class seems so thoroughly... unremarkable.

i've got to get back to work on the trial advocacy thingy. what kind of fool am i to have signed on for this extra load of work?

now, i realize that i've already revealed too much by mentioning that i was trying out for it, so i'm not going to tell you guys whther i'm the prosecution or defense... but what i will tell you is that my entire argument will be predicated upon what i'm calling the "batman theory."

you'll notice that batman is mentioned only in passing in sandy's letter to chris; however, it seems abundantly obvious to me that only a nefarious knave like batman could have pulled off an iniquitious, baneful feat such as this one. either him or houdini.

by the way, i found this pic of sandy huggins in the versace dress from the case!

of course, in this picture, sandy's not wearing the "ultimate" accessory: a bloody, collapsed skull fragment.

hasta manana!

-menlove

professional crastination

2005-03-01T00:33:00.000-05:00

i've been wasting time like an absolute pro tonight. first, i spent three hours watching the season finale of the bachelorette.

i've never watched this particular piece of reality garbage before, so i didn't totally get what was going on, but it was basically about this old, wart-faced chick named jen smegma or something like that, who was constantly crying because she was in love with two guys, and half the show was pretty much just her crying like a blubbering fool, with tears flowing (literally) into her cleavage. at the end of the second hour, she finally convinces these two guys to propose to her, and then she rejects them both. the whole last hour was pretty much just her and this one pretty boy she rejected talking about how they were just going to be friends.

quite a payoff for all the time i invested in front of the telly! next, i looked at a bunch or artwork online for about an hour. this was my favorite painting of the evening. i have no idea who the artist is. do any of you?

finally, and for the last thirty minutes, i've been trying to figure out the following proof, but thus far, to no avail. perhaps one of you smarties out there can give me a hand with it, because i'm pretty much stupefied.

(i could not figure out how to do superscript here, so on lines 2 & 3, everywhere you see a "2", it should be "squared". hope that makes sense.)

a = b

a2 = ab [this line should read: a squared equals a b]

a2 - b2 = ab-b2 [this line should read: a squared minus b squared equals a b minus b squared]

(a-b)(a+b) = b(a-b)

a + b = b

b + b = b

2b = b

2 = 1

wtf???

long story short, i'm doing everything in my power to avoid doing the contracts reading. now that i've survived being on call in there, my motivation to actually do any work for that class has diminished significantly.

only a true menlove would waste a whole evening rather than crack a book for a class that's worth, oh, 1/3 of his GPA...

ok, i surrender. contract law, here i come. hasta manana.

BLS bloggers

2005-02-28T01:13:00.000-05:00

i was just thinking about professor poser... that he is just about the most likeable, amiable and friendly professor i've ever had.

how great was it when he talked about listening to wqxr in the morning as he shaves? i'll never forget his impression of the "verbal fine print" at the end of the radio commercials. we all knew what he was talking about, but try as he might, he just couldn't get the words out quickly enough. it made me just want to give the guy a big hug or something.

on the topic of contracts, i have to say that i'm pretty psyched for tuesday's class, in which shammy and demian will be making their BLS acting debuts. what in the world does poser have in store for us? i'm hoping for some sort of romantic / dramatic scene, topped off with just the teensiest dollop of stage combat.

thanks go out to the person on the discussion board who brought www.intermeddler.blogspot.com to our attention. for those of you who missed it, this is a blog written by three 1L's in section 2; i believe that the bloggers are two women and one dude. there's some great stuff there... i just spent the last twenty minutes checking it out.

on the topic of "blawgs", it turns out that the BLS blogosphere is home to several other shining stars. this list is in no way comprehensive; these are just the only ones i'm aware of so far...

www.andrewraff.com is a great site created by an "upperclassman" from BLS, and is full of some very intelligent writing and interesting links. Definitely worth taking a look at.
www.warshaw.blogspot.com... i'm not sure how often aaron is updating this these days, but as i've said before, it's a good place for an informed take on music, politics, and the NBA.
www.the345wall.blogspot.com is another one i stumbled upon lately after one of its many authors posted something on my message board. though i'm not sure what the title is in reference to, it's got a lot of funny writing, pics, and links. for instance, if you go there now, you can find a link to the fred durst sex tape that just hit the internet!

total disclosure: i just watched the distinguished mr. durst in action, and i have to say that it was basically a sub-par celebrisex tape. for my money, i'll take r. kelly handing out yellow discipline any day over fred durst's big hairy gut. although admittedly, i was amused when fred threw out his great one-liner, "touch my balls and my ass." i mean, what can you say about the guy except that he truly he does it all for the nookie.

the other great part of the tape was when he turned the camera on his own dumb mug. true, true, i suppose that everyone makes some pretty funny faces while they're getting their swerve on. but come on, fred, you're a friggin' rock star! you've got to at least try to look sexy or something.

ok, gotta run... big week coming up. on top of all of the usual crap, i get to prep for the moot court trial advocacy honor society association team thing, or whatever it's called. there's no frickin' way in hell they're going to let a menlove like me get on that team, so i'm already pretty thrilled in advance that i get to go through the process of reading the packet, writing a speech, getting all nervous, wearing a suit to school, and bombing in front of my peers... all for nothing.

oh well. three weeks until vacation... i'll talk to you all tomorrow.

viewer mail

2005-02-25T00:01:00.000-05:00

i must say that my spirits are high these days. now that the brief is out of the way, things have been looking quite a bit brighter. (you've got to wonder, though, why it's called a brief, when it's so frickin' long.)

i'm actually feeling motivated to get caught up in con law, to start exercising again, and to really work hard to line up some interviews for summer jobs. plus, i'm ready to do some serious drinking this weekend, and in the weeks ahead.

i hope everyone else out there is feeling similarly relieved and optimistic. and for those of you in the international legal writing class who are still wrestling with your briefs... hang in there. the sun will shine on you again soon.

thanks to those of you who gave me the positive feedback on yesterday's craptastic tale. i'd actually like to respond to some of your responses...

"By my count Menlove, you've invented at least three shitty new words for us today:excretorian, fecalogue, and defacatory." well, thanks, i guess. although defecatory is definitely already a real word, and excretorian is nothing more than a creative suffixation (i'm not sure if suffixation is a word, but whatever), i will take full credit for the invention of the word fecalogue. note to the OED committee... fecalogue (noun): a story about poop.
"Menlove please don't ever reveal your identity. You scare me." don't worry, i won't be revealing my identity. but don't be scared. it was just a story. all things considered, it was a pretty harmless one, too. believe me when i tell you that i'm capable of writing stuff that's much, much more demented, stories that would curl your teeth and tear away your faith in humanity. but it's all just fiction. any long time menlovian reader with his or her salt has realized by now that i'm pretty much just here to entertain, cheer, and spread good will.
"Menlove, if only you could condense your tale of fecal adventure into a poem that could be recited in property class..." that would be something, but i'm going to leave that to you guys. i know we've got some closet poets out there, eh? show me what you got.
"menlove,if your grades are what you say they are, i recommend you drop out now...you've got a heck of a career in front of you as a writer. while i'm not sure who'd print a story of your fecal adventures, you've definitely got some fine, creative writing skills..." well, thank you. i'm flattered, honestly. i know that these are just silly stories i toss off, and that i have the luxury of doing it anonymously, but to be completely honest, whenever i post something here, i do feel like i'm putting a little piece of myself on the line, and it makes me feel good to know that people enjoy the stuff that i write. and by the way, if any of you would ever like to read some of the real stuff i've written over the last few years in creative writing classes, stuff that i'm actually proud of, stuff that gets revised, rather than just getting tossed off during a procrastination break, let me know. i've even written a children's story that is pretty awesome, and is, thankfully, 100% doodie free. what would be even better is if any of you has connections to a major publishing house... i'd certainly be happy to drop out of law school faster than you can say heathcliff huxtable.

well, you know i try to keep these entries to 25 minutes max. obviously, last night i more than doubled that limit, so i'm going to cut this one off right about now. enjoy the weekend, and hopefully our paths will cross at the bars over these next few days.

later, taters.

don't read this

2005-02-24T01:01:00.000-05:00

it's been quite awhile since i've regaled my readers with a totally inappropriate tale of my exploits and escapades in the 8th floor bathroom.

my long-time readers undoubtedly remember that i've been - for quite a long time now - on a quest for the perfect bathroom at BLS. (see consume / disburthen, 9/12/04, my second menlovian entry ever!) my search for the perfect piece of porcelain has led me far and wide, from the highest floors of 250 joralemon to the lowest - ahem - bowels of the library.

having been unable to obtain keys to the locked bathrooms in the basement and the third floor, i have ended up settling for a relatively fantastic commode on the 8th floor.

technically, the 8th floor bathrooms are for faculty members, but i've been using them all year, and thus far no one has - ahem - raised a stink about it, and although there have been some raised eyebrows, that don't bother me.

i believe that the two secretaries outside of robyn's office are, by now, very used to the fact that every day around 10:45, i'm going to come strolling on by them with a copy of a.m. new york tucked under my arm, acting like i have official business around the corner.

(or maybe they don't notice me. i don't know... they do often seem to be rather busy talking to their friends on the phone, and looking at pictures of decoupage online. i mean, they can't both be robyn's secretaries, can they? have you ever compared those two with the secretaries outside of dean wexler's office on the 9th floor? i could write a whole blog entry on that contrast. you know what? maybe i will. anyway, i digress...)

the point is that i feel very much at home in the 8th floor head, and make it my business to get in some quality time there at least once every day before class begins.

well, today was no different.

though, that's technically not accurate. in that i was in my assigned seat at 10:45 a.m., reading the free but surprisingly entertaining newspaper, then i guess that today was no different.
however, the thing that happened at 10:46 made it completely different. it was one of the most bizarre, frightening, and wonderful things that i've ever witnessed.

and that's what i'm writing about today.

what i'm about to tell you is completely true.* at times, as it was happening, i could hardly believe it myself, and my recollection here is admittedly a bit colored by the shock and disorientation i felt as the events were unfolding, but nevertheless, this actually happened. i couldn't make this shit up if i tried.

so there i was, minding my own business. i was done with my property reading, so no worries on that front, and everything was coming out on schedule, so no worries in terms of being late for the beryl jones experience. though i'd only been in there for a couple minutes, i was already on page 4 of the paper. (i'm a fast reader, and that's what i like about a.m. new york, it's meant to be read during a twenty minute commute, but i can read the whole thing during a fifteen minute dump. i guess in a sense, there is a commute of sorts going on, it's just that my lower intestines are like the subway tunnels, and the toilet is like the train station, and the train itself... well, i guess we'd have to call it the douwe egberts express, it's not the most pleasant train to ride on, and the passengers, well, let's just say some of them are a bit - ahem - corny, and some of them are - ahem - absolutely nuts... and, now that i think of it, this must be the foulest, stinkiest digression i've ever taken in one of my blogs, which is really saying something, considering the already-shitty quality of much of what i write. anyway, i digress...)

the point is that i was minding my own business, and life was good.

until all of a sudden, out of nowhere, the door to the men's room bursts open. it didn't just open, it burst open, as if someone had thrown a pretty powerful forearm into it, nearly jarring it off its hinges.

now i'm fairly used to having company in there between 10:45 and 11 in the morning. as it turns out, i'm far from being the only excretorian who prefers the cushy confines of the 8th floor.

the problem, as you can imagine, is that my fellow poopers are largely comprised of tenured professors, guys who have been dropping BLS bombs since the mid-80's, guys who might not take so kindly to some lowly 1L menlove creeping on their turf.

the point is that in these situations, i either have to get out of there quickly before they emerge from their stall, or somehow outlast them, which can be rather difficult, considering that with some of these old timers... well, let's just say the plumbing don't work so good, prostates and hemorroids can run amuck; the bottom line is that i can end up being in there for quite awhile waiting for nature to run its course, which puts me at risk for being late to class. you get the point.

so where was i? oh yes, the door flies open, and in a whirlwind of motion (shoes squeaking on the floor, a briefcase hurriedly dropped), the door to the stall next to me is violently opened and quickly slammed shut again.

i can tell right away that this is an emergency situation, but i didn't realize at the time quite how frantic my next-door neighbor actually was. he begins fumbling with his belt and pants, and as he did so, he starts mumbling and moaning out loud in frustration and fear... "oh no... oh no..."

so i'm sitting there thinking, jesus tittyfucking christ, dude, wondering what in the world is going on, and i can hear his wild paroxysms and struggles with his belt buckle getting more and more violent, and his voice getting louder... "come on.. oh no! oh god!"

and just then, he must have gotten his buckle open, i hear his pants and underwear come down in one quick motion, but at that exact moment, in the split second between the trousers dropping and his ass hitting the toilet seat, it hits me like a barrel of flour - i know that voice!

now i'm not going to tell you who it was, because - let's face it - if you were a professor, a professor who either taught us in the past, or is teaching us now, you wouldn't want to be implicated in my horrific little - um - fecalogue either, now would you? so for the sake of anonymity, we'd better just refer to him as professor normbert gorbokstein, esquire.

unfortunately, this realization - that i was pooping next to a prof - had little time to set in before things really started getting out of control.

(anyone who is feeling nauseous or uncomfortable reading what i've written thus far, STOP READING NOW. this ain't going to be pretty.)

(i'm fucking serious... come back tomorrow. i'll write something about beryl's sneakers. it'll be funny, and it'll make you forget all about this unfortunate business.)

(still here? good. enjoy. this one's for you, dear menlovian reader. just don't say i didn't warn you.)

***

it began with all the subtlety of a bolt of lightning. there was no hesitation, no warning, no false start. and it shrieked like the unholy squealing of an eviscerated kosher pig. it splashed like an open fire hydrant on a south bronx summer morning. and it flowed - oh, how it flowed.

professor normbert gorbokstein's ass faucet had been turned on full blast, and it wasn't about to let up. peeking under the partition, i saw his legs kicking in the air, several inches off of the ground, as if a thousand volts of electricity were passing through his body.

i don't know if this thundering defecatory denouement lasted for five seconds or a full minute. i was completely flabbergasted. it was a cacophony of gushing feces and rapid, staccato gaseous expulsions, all reverberating within the churning waters of the toilet bowl. but then, as quickly as it started, the flow somehow relented, trailing off to some sad and defeated-sounding squirts and toosieburps.

professor gorbokstein let out a huge sigh of relief, and so did i. my relief, however, was short lived, because just as the sound finally died out, the tiniest whiff of his waste wafted into my stall, beginning the most unconscionable olfactory assault imaginable.

it smelled like a zombie's colostomy bag... like a maggot orgy in a putrefied piece of fetid fish flesh that had been unceremoniously shoved up my nose. and as i began to smell not just the penumbra of the dump, but the vile core itself, i believe that i died a little on the inside.

i don't know what came over me, but the smell and the moment simply became too much for me to handle, and something had to be done. without thinking, i sort of leaned towards the wall between us, and in a desperate half-whisper, stammered out: "courtesy flush, please."

thankfully, professor normbert gorbokstein was a kind man, and he obliged by hitting the lever.

however, any relief that i felt was short lived, as i immediately knew that something was wrong. it just didn't sound right.

and when i heard the professor's "oh, fuck" ring out next to me, i knew that the water - dookie and all - was going up, not down.

i mean, what would you do in this situation? i'm sitting there with my jeans around my ankles, the newspaper still splayed out across my lap, and a piece of doodie pretty much frozen in its tracks hanging halfway out of my ass.

there wasn't any time to react. i heard the water beginning to trickle down to the floor. then the trickle became a steady, sloppy stream, which i first heard, then saw running across the floor, quickly breaching the sacred space on my side of the partition. it was the foulest, crustiest, most evil liquid i'd ever seen... runny yet chunky, speckled with bits of blood and what appeared to be couscous (or some variety of crushed and steamed semolina), and strangely enough, more yellow in color than brown. let's call it an ochre-burnt umber hybrid.

in one quick motion, with a squeeze of the old assphyncter, i decapitated the piece of poop loitering in my rectum, then wiped furiously (and, admittedly, incompletely, but desperate times, you know?), yanked up my pants, and darted out of the stall, avoiding the creeping doom on the floor by no more than a split second. i thought i was home free, but then i heard that voice from behind the stall again.

"wait!" it pleaded, the paused for a few beats. "who... who are you?"

oh fuck, i thought. i didn't know what to say. the guy freakin' knows me, for cryin' out loud. i had to come up with something, and quick, but unfortunately, i had exhausted my entire supply of pseudonyms over the last few weeks of legal writing, as robyn has had a seemingly insatiable appetite for new ones. but try as i might, i simply could not come up with anything plausible, so i just spurted out the first thing that came to mind:

"groves v. wunder," i said, hardly believing it myself, even as the words came out of my mouth.

"what?" he replied.

shit!!!, i thought to myself. he's going to know i am a student. i had to amend my answer.

"my name is groves v. wunder, attorney at law."

no sooner than i had said it, i was thinking, what the fuck was that, menlove! i mean, what kind of asshole has the name groves? and did the current situation call for such formality that i needed to offer up the middle initial??? and who in their right mind calls themselves "attorney at law"??? i felt compelled to clarify.

"i'm an... uh... a visiting professor from SUNY law school."

this time, there was no reply. i was totally busted. he must've known my voice, and through the crack by the door, i think he could probably see my face as well.

but miraculously, he decided to play along. it was like a little legal fiction we both decided to accept, if only for the time being.

"mr. wunder, i'm terribly sorry to bother you, but would you mind handing me some paper towels before you go?"

i was only too glad to help. "of course not, sir. how many do you need."

i'll never forget his reply. he was almost laughing as he said it, and his voice was full of relief, humility, and embarrassment, but it was still tinged with a hint of pride.

"you'd better give me everything we've got."

so i went over by the sinks, and dug my fingers as far as they went inside of the paper towel dispenser (the professors have the same crappy, stubborn dispenser on the eighth floor that we have in our restrooms), and pulled them out, a dozen at a time. after pulling out every single one i could, i gingerly tiptoed over to the door of the stall, and held them underneath the door.

he grabbed them, and without another word, i slipped out the door, back out into the sanctity of the hallways of the 8th floor, knowing that i'd never set foot in that bathroom again.

***

*by true, i mean completely and totally false. thanks for reading. -menlove

return to menlove's greatest hits

what happened?

2005-02-23T00:46:00.000-05:00

all drink and no sleep makes menlove an absolute mess.

i haven't slept in a long time. i haven't been to class in like a week. way too much tequila this afternoon. i never want to think about amos again. or kiryas. or that dude jesus jihad. (did anyone else meet him?) no more lining up the right margin on the table of authorities, no more joint statements of senators hatch and kennedy, no more lynn berkley and the children of the corn, or whatever the fuck they were called.

thank god we're done dealing with the Repeated Lubricated Use of Industrialized Penises Act. for now at least.

been meaning to say hi to "campaniella." thanks for signing in. are you really a grad student from st. louis? and if so, how did you stumble upon menlovian?

hello also to "human paraquat." i actually get this reference. lots of dude fans out there, it seems.

i must sleep. i'll be back to the regular routine tomorrow. my dixie wrecked.

t.v. shows that mattered

2005-02-17T00:01:00.000-05:00

warning: today's menlovian contains some images not suitable for some viewers. discretion is advised. although compared to that horrible link someone posted on yesterday's message board, this stuff is nothing.

sorry to have confused some (or at least one) of you with my obscure reference to jessie spano.

jessie spano was a character on one of the all time great t.v. shows, saved by the bell. the quote i hit you with yesterday came from an episode called "jessie's song." in this 30-minute slice of t.v. heaven, jessie (played by elizabeth berkley), kelly kapowski (tiffani-amber thiessen) and lisa turtle (lark voorhies) form a kick-ass girl pop trio called "hot sundae."

by the end of the episode, jessie succumbs to the pressure of midterms and band practice. to cope, she starts using - and quickly becomes addicted to - caffeine pills.

slater warns her how dangerous the pills can be, and jessie responds, "yeah, well not as dangerous as geometry!" great stuff right there.

eventually, after various confrontations with her friends, jessie breaks down, and utters the immortal words... "i'm so excited! i'm so excited! i'm so... scared."

unable to perform with hot sundae at "the max," the girls get spazzy-ass screech to fill in for her. let the good times roll.

it was a great episode, and in retrospect, i realize that if not for "jessie's song," i may never have had the courage to confront my own caffeine addiction. thank you, brandon tartakoff.

so here's a pic of elizabeth berkley circa 1990...

basically cute... wholesome... a little mannish for my tastes, but she certainly seemed like a girl who had her head on straight.

well, we all know where this story ends up...

good lord! obviously, this pic is from showgirls, one of the worst movies ever... truth be told, it's a movie so bad, it's actually quite good.

showgirls dialogue sample #1:

Zack Carey: Why did you stop hooking? You had your future pretty well mapped out for yourself

Nomi Malone: I did what I had to do.

Zack Carey: Just like you did with Cristal.

Nomi Malone: I'm not a whore.

Zack Carey: No... you're not. You're gonna be a big star. Your face is gonna be up on billboards. You're gonna make a lot of money for the Stardust.

Nomi Malone: What about Molly?

Zack Carey: I'll make sure he gives her enough money, she can have a dress shop. Tell me something, how much did you charge?

[Nomi is confused]

Zack Carey: Hooking

Nomi Malone: Fifty. Hundred sometimes.

Zack Carey: You got low self-esteem baby, you're a fantastic fuck.

[Nomi spits in his face]

***
wow. someone actually wrote all that. but zack's got a point, she put on a pretty amazing performance in the swimming pool for him. her wild gyrations knocked about a foot of water out of the pool. the whole time she was riding him, i'm wondering, "what would mr. belding think???"

showgirls dialogue sample #2:

Nomi Malone: Don't they have brown rice and vegetables?

Cristal Connors: Do you like brown rice and vegetables?

Nomi Malone: Yeah.

Cristal Connors: You do?

Nomi Malone: Sort of.

Cristal Connors: Really?

Nomi Malone: It's worse than dog food.

[Cristal laughs]

Nomi Malone: It is!

Cristal Connors: I've had dog food.

Nomi Malone: You have?

Cristal Connors: Mmm-hmmm. Long time ago. Doggy Chow. I used to love Doggy Chow.

Nomi Malone: I used to love Doggy Chow, too!

[Cristal and Nomi touch their chips together]

***
wow... freakin' awesome shit. what would sebok have to say about all of this? for those of you who plan auctions to raise money for whatever causes you care about, think about putting that up on the block: a private screening of showgirls for you and somefriends with special guest commentary provided throughout by big tony. throw in some pints of guinness, and i'm in for two hundy.

***

however, elizabeth berkley wasn't the only chica to go from moderately cute to absolutely smokin' hot after saved by the bell.

you know where this is going:

before:

after:

mommy, there's something moving in my pajama pants!

pretty much the same thing happened to lisa turtle.

before:

after:

hot damn, kilogram! it's amazing what a bayside high diploma will do for you.

***
while we're on the topic of t.v. shows that mattered... does anyone recognize this guy?

http://www.morrisoncohen.com/bio/bio_saviano.htm

only 6 days of hell left... hang in there!

-menlove

return to menlove's greatest hits

tori, rey, spano & douwe

2005-02-15T23:01:00.000-05:00

my entries between now and tuesday will be short and sweet. also expect some entries written by special guests in the next few days as i finish the brief.

a few quick notes for today, then back to work...

i usually don't do this sort of thing, but there was a really great message on the comment board yesterday, and i don't want it to get lost underneath this new post. here it is for those of you who missed it.

"Folks, as a self-proscribed tree hugger galore, can I make a suggestion?We all drink gallons of coffee a day and wwhether its Starbucks, DD, or the caf, usually we use the disposdable paper. That's a whole lotta waste if you thibnk about it.But we have a simple alternative at a fingertips that can, with little effort and no additional cost, really help in cutting down on the waste. The caf sells those plastic re-usable coffee thingamagingers that for $5. You get a cup of coffee with the purchase plus five free cups thereafter which means the damn thing pays for itself. Most importantly, you get to play a personal roll in reducing waste. Not trying to lecture, just wanted to point out the option. Go trees and fresh air!"

right on, dude.

in other news...

my flabbers were literally gasted when i read that someone would pay $500 for a date with menlove. unbelieveable! i'm flattered, although i'd have to assume that it's a joke. i'm not sure how i'd be able to reconcile an appearance in an auction with my need for anonymity. perhaps i could just wear a mask to the auction, like my homie rey mysterio...

out of curiosity, in today's email from our esteemed SBA rep, it was mentioned that several section niners have been nominated for the auction. does anyone know who from our class (and section 8 as well) will be "on the block" in the charity auction?

that event is going to be sweet. didn't they do that on saved by the bell once?

"i'm so excited! i'm so excited! i'm so... scared."

or was it 90210?

donna martin graduates!

zzzzz....

2005-02-15T00:43:00.000-05:00

i'm just so friggin' tired right now. the amount of work we're dealing with is utterly dehumanizing.

does anyone care to join me for a dozen or so whiskey shots on tuesday after the brief is handed in? we'll surely need it, as these next seven days will certainly not be fun.

thanks to everyone who wished me a happy v-day via email or on the message board. someone even sent me an electronic greeting card! it was a nice valentine's day for me, and i hope that the same was true for all of you as well.

as i said, i'm tired, and i still haven't even finished contracts. the point is that i should be working right now. the same is probably true for you. however, for those of you who really need a study break, here are two articles you might enjoy:

this article has been making the rounds in the last few days, but i thought i'd post it here for those of you who might have missed it. it's the nice little story about the judge and the penis pump...

http://www.guardian.co.uk/uslatest/story/0,1282,-4786833,00.html

finally, here's an interesting article about affirmative action and law school admissions from this weekend's ny times... (registration required)

http://www.nytimes.com/2005/02/13/weekinreview/13liptak.html

finally, someone emailed me and asked me how my summer job search was coming along.

the short answer is that it isn't coming along whatsoever. or if it did come at all, it unfortunately came all over itself, and is now passed out like a drunken lover, in a deep and seemingly endless slumber, oblivious to the rapid approach of the month of may.

i'm really freaked out about this, but i'm wondering, should i be? is it normal to be jobless on february 15th of your first year of law school?

let's find out...

Do you have a summer job yet?

Yes
No
I am not a 1L, Menlove!

view results

Create free website polls
$5 Web Hosting!

thanks for reading. i'll see you all on the flip side.

-menlove

beryl jones: the drinking game!

2005-02-13T23:01:00.000-05:00

ah, property class... what a wonderfully wacky way to start off the week.

it's pretty obvious that professor jones has supplanted sebok as this semester's most colorful character in front of the classroom. think about it...

the name games. the celebrity references. the scattershot lecture style. the kosher dessert trays. i mean, where else at BLS are you going to find this level of excitement and unpredictability on a weekly basis?

so in honor of this infinitely intriguing professor, and in the spirit of wanton, public, pre-lunch intoxication, it is time for another drinking game.

you all know the rules: get yourself a nice 40 oz. malted beverage, a bottle of scotch, or perhaps a quart of your favorite mixed drink. the game starts when jones starts lecturing (often while the class is still talking) and it ends when she dismisses class, you pass out, or urinate in your pants, whichever happens first.

the following list shows the "berylesque" (berylian?) behavior you're looking for, and the resulting action on your part... have fun!

if she hands you a "slower" sign before class... drink one
every time someone actually uses the "slower" sign... drink one
whenever she plays any variation of the name game (such as doing that whole "are there any other williams / willamenas / wilburs" thing, or calls out names to test herself during break)... drink two
if she says the word" microphone"... drink one
if she says "yes, no, maybe so"... smile & drink two
when she mentions "brad pitts"... try not to laugh out loud, and drink three
every time she says, "i can't believe nobody..." (as in "i can't believe nobody was an art history major," or "i can't believe nobody knows latin")... shake your head incredulously and drink two
whenever she quotes from "the love song of j. alfred prufrock"... drink two, while talking of michelangelo
when she refers to durkenminier & krier as "stubborn old men"... drink one
if she chides a late-comer for crossing in front of her instead of walking around the long way... drink one
every time a late-comer walks in front of her, and she says nothing... drink two
if she begins slicing coffee cake while lecturing... lick your chops and drink one
whenever she moves that chair off of the podium area... drink one if she moves it off with ease, drink two if it requires several awkward grunts and pushes, and if the chair happens to wrestle her to the ground, stop drinking, put down your beer, and go help out your professor, asshole!
whenever she's stumped by a question, and says that she'll answer it on monday... toast the person who baffled her, and drink three.
when discussing a case, if ever she is unable to pronounce the name of one the parties (e.g., popov, hayashi, or vealencis), and asks the class for help, drink one
if she fiddles nervously with a zipper or rubberband, drink continuously until she stops
when she analogizes the instant case to an anecdote about her daughters or husband, drink two, then call your mom after class and tell her you love her
if she mentions that she's "been teaching forever," "doing these same cases for years," or that "this stuff bores me," drink until the pain goes away
every time beryl breaks out one of her ballet moves (this includes when she kicks a leg up and does a spinning 180 degree turn, or when she holds the podium with one hand, and leans out over the step, and kicks her leg out repeatedly as if she's warming up for her recital)... drink two while doing a demi plie
if she's wearing any color aside from black... drink five as soon as she enters the room
if ever she wears her hair down... drink seventy, then start braiding the hair of the person sitting in front of you

much love goes out to professor jones for inspiring this silly game. have fun everyone! i may have left a few rules out. if anyone thinks of any others, please post them here. cheers!

-menlove

***

return to menlove's greatest hits

i've lost my mind

2005-02-11T01:01:00.000-05:00

what an amazingly fun day this has been! between the point headers, the sweet summer job search bullshit, and the kick-ass 70 page reading on that fabulously fascinating subject known as the capability problem in contract law, it's been a day to remember.

on yesterday's message board, someone asked me, "Where's your blog theme from?"

now i'm not really sure what you mean by blog theme. the color scheme and header and all that is just a standard template provided by blogger.com. the title, "menlovian," is a reference to a great case we read in professor sebok's torts class last semester called vaughn v. menlove. it was about this dude menlove whose hayrick went up in flames which then damaged someone else's property. menlove's defense was that he was too stupid to know that he was supposed to have prevented such an occurence. sebok was constantly referring to things, people, and actions as "menlovian," i.e., idiotic. i sort of identified with the dude (menlove, not sebok). it just seemed to be a nice, catchy theme for my blog, and obviously the name stuck, and i've since written a buttload of entries as "menlove."

i'm not sure if that answers your question or not, but whatever. i've worked enough today.

i'm going to bed, because right now, everything i'm looking at looks pretty much like this:

have a great weekend, everyone. and by the way, you may want to bring a flask or a 40 oz. to property class on monday...

freaking out

2005-02-09T23:27:00.000-05:00

like you, menlove is very busy trying to finish the point headings, plus twenty pages of contracts. (in terms of doing the civ pro reading for tomorrow... that's completely out of the question.) i'd love to stay and chat, but i have much to do, promises to keep, and miles to go before i sleep, so this will be a quickie. i know i always say i'll make it quick, then i write a shitload, but i'm for real tonight.

congrats to "thing of danger" for winning the RLUIPA acronym contest. from this point on, the RLUIPA shall be known as the "Repeated Lubricated Use of Industrialized Penises Act." thing of danger: you can email me at menloveBLS@hotmail.com to claim your prize.

thanks to that dude scott chait who delighted us with his "hypocritical" arguments with hellerstein today in con law. he also had the best line of the semester so far: "i'm not a lawyer in the bedroom." instant classic.

time to get back to work. you should do the same. if you really must procrastinate, try the delightfully simple "squares" game. my record is 7600. i don't think anyone will be able to beat it, but if you're feeling lucky, punk, here you go... http://www.ebaumsworld.com/squares.html

hasta pronto.

DP

2005-02-09T00:31:00.000-05:00

how can you not be pumped for wednesday's con law class?

i'm not done with all the reading, so this one will be short and sweet.

anyhow, 53 comments after yesterday's entry! dayum, you guys are the best. lots of new faces as well, which is always a nice touch. i may have already welcomed some of you; i can hardly keep track anymore of who's new and who's who.

regardless, greetings go out to "Altered Ego" (glad you finally decided to post, and thanks for the nickname (gentle Em)... i totally dig it), "saucy intruder" (a great name, and also a great product, available at "Toys in Babeland" on the lower east side...), "I Shoulda Been a Cocktail Waitress" (an honest and unique name, and good thing you have a plan B), "Busted Bird Hymen" (are you new? who knows anymore. either way, glad to have you, and i like the name, though it's a horrible image... do birds even have hymens? why do people have hymens? do they serve any sort of biological purpose?), and finally, "Reaganite" (welcome dude... section 4 is definitely making its presence felt. oh, and by the way, sorry i deleted your first-ever post. it's just that you can't call a professor an "uber-dickhead" here. lo siento mucho.)

i've got to get back to work now, children. like many of you are quickly realizing, i too feel that this legal writing brief is turning into an utterly soul-crushing experience. i can't fathom how i can possibly finish everything that needs to be read for property, contracts, con law and civ pro over the next 48 hours, while concurrently finding the time to read 145 pages of cases on the RLUIPA, and write up my bullshit point headings.

but trudge on we must, and before i tackle lawrence v. texas, i'd like to propose a silly little game for us to play, a contest of sorts.

here's the deal- as the months have gone by, i've developed a pretty decent set of acronyms and abbreviations which i incorporate into my note-taking in order to keep up with, for instance, the 240 words per minute that professor jones hurls at us each monday and wednesday morning.

for example:

i never write "constitution"
i just write "conny"

i never write "supreme court"
it's just SC.

a plaintiff's a P, defendant's a D, and as of this week, a contract's a K.

you get the point. the weird thing, however, is that a lot of my shorthand tends to fill my head with naughty thoughts. does anyone else have this issue?

for instance, instead of writing "statute of limitations," i just write SoL...

but when i see SoL, i think "shit out of luck."

see what i mean?

another example... it got really old always having to write "due process" every ten seconds in con law. so "due process" naturally became DP.

but whenever i see or hear about DP, for as long as i can remember (at least since 7th grade), i think about "double penetration." that's just how my mind works.

i know you're thinking, menlove, for fuck's sake, quit procrastinating, just get to the point already, then go read Lawrence. what's this game you're talking about?

well, here's the deal. whenever i write that fabulously clumsy acronym, RLUIPA, nothing good pops into my head. all i think about is the goddam "religious land use and institutionalized persons act." and that sucks. it's boring as shit. it ain't got no pop, and it sure as shit ain't got no sizzle. i don't want to have to think about the religious land use and institutionalized persons act every time i write RLUIPA for the next two weeks.

so menlove is asking for your help. i want to see who can come up with the most shocking, disturbing, original, or memorable sentence for which RLUIPA can serve as an acronym.

extra points will be given to entries that are topical, BLS-related, or that make me laugh, smile, cry, or chunder.

i figure that people will be all up in a huff again after con law tomorrow, so in the mean time, let's just get stupid.

the winner gets a prize, and i'm talking about a real, tangible piece of shit prize which you will be able to show off to your friends.

later taters.

adam and eve - what choice did they have?

2005-02-07T20:01:00.000-05:00

in theory, the first month of any semester is the best time to go out with friends, have a few drinks after class, and come in a bit hungover. everyone knows that things are just going to get a lot tougher once exams roll around and we have to start outlining and all that fun stuff.

unfortunately, this semester has pretty much sucked ass from day one. i don't know what it is about this brief we're working on for legal writing, but it's pretty much sucking all of the fun out of what should be a fairly laid-back part of the semester.

my bibliography for the brief is due tomorrow, and it's total doo-doo. i only have four halfway-decent sources (none of which i've actually read), and i've totally forgotten how to do the correct citation form. do i do the whole string cite? or just the short cite? and what order should they be listed in? alphabetically? chronologically? geographically? autobiographically? (thank you nick hornby for that one.) plus, i don't think it's really called a bibliography, but i wrote "BIBLIOGRAPHY" on the top of the page anyway, since i did all of my reasearch at the biblioteca.

damn, law school is a drag.

not to mention the fact that there's this little class called civil procedure that i've hardly even thought about for two weeks. the return of dean gora tomorrow just adds a whole new layer of stress and drama to this 1L roller coaster.

so anyhow, on a more positive note, con law was once again really interesting today.

hellerstein had some great one-liners (such as the one that inspired the title of today's blog), and even took us on a trip down memory lane, back to the days when "you'd go driving up to the cloisters" where the girls and boys would "make a decision." just the thought of him in the back seat of the car (wearing the "husky" bar mitzvah suit?) with some girl (the schechter poultry chicken plucker's daughter?) was enough to bring a smile to my face.

however, class really started getting hot during the last fifteen minutes or so, when the conversation turned from abortion to gay marriage. the exchange between professor hellerstein and ms. heuser was certainly one to remember.

my two cents on the whole thing?

kristina did a great job of articulating her position, sticking to her guns, and so on. i think i would have been a lot more flustered than she was, especially considering that hella was asking her pretty much one question after another for ten straight minutes, and they were hard questions being delivered at a fairly rapid-fire pace. you've got to respect someone who has the cojones to verbalize some of those arguments, especially when the majority of the class is clucking and groaning all around you.

i was particularly impressed, however, as i watched hellerstein do his thing up there. i can picutre him now, leaning in as he asked the questions, one fist propped up on his back hip, the other on the lecturn, his quick mind always ready with the next question before the previous one had even been answered, clearly enjoying the moment.

i mean, it was very much like witnessing a really well-executed cross examination. especially fascinating was how hella kept on incorporating the same questions in different ways, each time eliciting an increasingly candid response from ms. heuser.

in the beginning, she maintained that it was "offensive to human nature." a few minutes later, it was "repugnant to natural law." and by the end of the class, hellerstein had her saying that such a lifestyle was "morally bankrupt."

anyhow, it was easily one of h-bomb's best performances, and for once i can say that i'm actually looking forward to doing the reading for wednesday's class.

see y'all with the dozer tomorrow morning.

-menlove

game over

2005-02-07T00:01:00.000-05:00

menlove has been eating beers and drinking chicken wings since noon. he will be back tomorrow, and hopefully sober.

until then, say goodbye to the helocopter game, and try out this new diversion...

my best score is 7600. i defy you to beat it!

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/squares.html

menlovin it! (+2 final wonderfuls)

2005-02-04T03:04:00.000-05:00

so i mentioned how you postings were like menlove doggy treats, and you all go out and get me a whole box of milk bones!

so far, they've been thoughtful, intelligent, hilarious, irreverent, and even a bit offensive! a nice bit of everything. some of you will end up being really great lawyers some day.

i'd like to extend my very warmest greetings and salutations to some of the newer people to log in to this here little web thingy... "revolver544" (keep blazin' them big guns, baby!), "Anonymous" (nice name; i wonder how long it's been since you first signed in... maybe i never noticed it. anyway, glad you're here!), "penal bonds" (obviously a smart and eloquent mofo - or maybe a fafo - that's short for father fucker... i mean, how the hell am i supposed to know which way you swing? anyway, i like what you wrote), and finally, welcome to "eric stratton" (rush chair, damn glad to meet ya...).

i gotta send out props to prof schneider for delaying monday's homework assignment so that we can watch "101 most starlicious makeovers" sunday night on E!... that was one email from her that i was glad to see.

quick digression...

one must wonder what sebok's response would have been had one of us asked him to postpone an assignment so that we could watch television. i mean, does tony even watch the super bowl? does he watch tv? the only thing i ever remember him mentioning was "Garden State," but i think that's a movie. think about it, we know so much about his thoughts and arguments about tort law, tort reform, tort theory for airplane accidents, and so on. but we know so little about how he sees the rest of the world... i mean, think how great it made you feel when he'd start going off topic, talking about garden state, or talking shit on the subway - "respect!" - or even just last month when we heard through beryl his thoughts on BLS bottled water. the point is that i'd like to go spelunking in the dude's mind. how sweet would it be to sit down and interview the big bokker on any topic you'd like? if i could, i would love to hear his insights and witticisms on subjects such as:

which BLS professor he feels is the biggest, most worthless sack of shit
aside from the water, what's his take on the caf's salad bar, douwe egbert's stand, etc.
in-depth analysis of his favorite movies
how he lost his virginity
what's his take on that ashlee simpson chick, and so on, and so forth, ad hilarium

now that i think about it, sebok really should have his own reality show. i'd stay up until three in the morning watching him scoop his cat's litter box, riding on the subway, on the phone with zipursky, whatever.

well, i guess i should get back to business here. after my thwarted attempts at "humor" via the failed uncle denny and lucy links, i noted that there still were two final wonderful people left to mention, and then we'll be able to wrap up this wonderful thing for the year.

so what more is there to do except to introduce them??? i'm going to say goodbye for now so that i can go pull on my penumbra for awhile. enjoy these final two, have fun in contracts tomorrow, and a great weekend.

-menlove

wonderful person #11 : Adam Lubow

adam is a great guy. several things "distinguish him from the rest." adam "invited the entire section to drink at his place" after finals. "the guys's got a great sense of style," his fans declare. "you've gotta love his bookbag" which one can only imagine is full of "survival tools." also, his "phish-show-inspired" "beard and winter hats" clue his classmates in to adam's "laid-back" and "chill / intense hybrid" personality.

adam "knows a shitload" about "politics, policy, and current events," and like so many other of his wonderful classmates, "adds really interesting stuff" and "intriguing insights" to our classes.

a "kind," "hilarious," "tolerant" and "friendly, engaging" person, "adam is the kind of guy you want to be friends with" because "you know he's not a user... he's not in this game only to help his own cause... and that's pretty friggin' rare these days." one fan even went so far as to say that she'd "love to join him on a cross-country road trip, and maybe even end up in some little vegas chapel!" others proclaim, "get to know him," because "if you haven't introduced yourself by now, he might not have met you yet." (someone actually emailed that line to me. it makes no sense, but i had to post it because it cracked me up.)

so here's to you, adam... you're flat-out wonderful!

wonderful person #12: Jennifer Williams

"the best of the best," "easily the nicest girl in school," and "easy to love," the compliments for this wonderful classmate came pouring in almost from day one. jennifer is "a thoroughly lovely and funny person" who "always makes you happy whenever you're around her." seemingly always "going out of her way for others," jennifer "told me i did a good job after i got socraticized in class, and it made me feel so happy." "i would do anything for her," one friend declared, because "she's the real deal."

fans and secret admirers rave about jenny's "amazing eyes and smile," and "funky, funky style," appreciating the fact that "she's not a follower, a kiss-ass, or a wimp." also cited as being "so easy on the eyes," one classmate proclaimed that "having her across the room in contracts makes every tuesday, thursday and friday a good thing." plus, as two readers noted, "she's never afraid to speak her mind," and when she does, "you know that she's coming from the heart."

an "amazing chick" who also "happens to be a great surfer," jennifer is "probably the coolest person i've met since college," a "great friend" and a "scholar."

so here's to jennifer, our final wonderful classmate!

noogies

2005-02-02T23:16:00.001-05:00

so i usually try to keep my blogging time to 20 minutes per night, but last night i got all carried away. i thought to myself, "self, wouldn't it be funny if on the last night of the wondeful classmates, i made up fictional quotes about non-existing classmates?" "yes," myself replied, "that might just be the kind of thing that people enjoy."

so my selves were in agreement, and i set out to find two really funny pictures about which i could create fictional wonderful classmates. i found some great ones, and spent close to an hour writing all of that crap you saw in yesterday's entry, then i spent another fifteen minutes figuring out how to resize them so that they'd resemble BLS facebook pics... you get the point. it was a big job, but fun.

i was really happy with the results, and was looking forward to all of the funny responses on the message board. (your posts on the board are like doggy treats for old menlove... i'm crazy for them.) i was pretty sure i'd written a winner.

flash forward to school today, walking around before or after class or during break, i saw several people reading my blog (also like candy to menlove), but the images i'd worked so hard on only appeared on one or two peoples' screens! for most of you, the images failed to render.

therefore, what i'd written about the "winners" was pretty much meaningless for most of you.

anyhow, it was a bummer. tomorrow i will be posting the real final two wonderful folks. however, i still want to provide the links so that those of you who care can see what "uncle denny" and "lucy" looked like in their bls photos.

here's lucy's link: http://www.archaeologyinfo.com/australopithecusafarensis.htm

here's uncle denny's link: www.worldportrait.com/images/0010.jpg (unfortunately, this site is down as of wednesday night... if the link doesn't work when you try it and you are really desperate to see uncle denny, do a google image search for " worldportrait " and you'll see at least a thumbnail pic... denny's the one in the hella safari hat strumming the racket.)

shmeh.

so speaking of hellerstein, i thought today's class was really a good one. it's rare that he allows us to let loose like that, and it felt good. although there certainly was a bit too much of people just shouting out their opinions while other people (including hellerstein) were talking, many good points were raised.

also, as usual, there were way, way too many dudes talking, and too many women sitting there shaking their heads, but not adding their voices...

that sucks.

but all in all, it was probably the coolest con law class in weeks, so props go out to hellerstein for making it happen.

property today... not so good. beryl was under the weather, and taking notes for two hours today, i felt like i was flailing around in the middle of a swarm bees.

she basically covered five cases at once, rattled off all sorts of definitions, and reviewed about a half dozen concepts, all at the same time. literally. if you were to read my notes from today's class out loud, it would sound like a room full of schizophrenic monkeys talking dirty during an orgy.

on top of this, the microphone kept clicking on and off, often several times during a single word, and professor jones just kept coughing and blowing her nose. it was madness.

anyhow, hopefully she'll be feeling better soon, and they'll get the mike fixed by then.

adios, amigos.

i'll leave you with a transcript from the greatest five seconds of class this week:

tom: "sure they can do it. that's the state's job!"
hellerstein: "what, to cut your noogies off?"

classic.

my wonderful classmates - the final two!

2005-02-02T12:01:00.000-05:00

jeez, these weeks are getting longer and longer. law school is hard. my spirit has been broken and my illusions have been shattered, my back is bruised from the load i've been carrying, my eyes are blurry from reading all that tiny print, and i have terrible gas. but i guess that aside from all that, i can't complain.

i mean, how nice was it to have the day off from civ pro today? even though it's only a fifty minute class, i really needed the afternoon to myself. unfortunately, i squandered it by chillin' in my hayrick, but, you know, that's just how menlove do.

i've been meaning to say hello and welcome to "LochnerMonster," who's made his or her impact felt in a major way since logging on a couple weeks ago. welcome, sir! also, "mischievous mischief," are you new? if so, thanks for loggin in. if not, it makes no difference... still good to have you.

so someone on the message board said that alana didn't get her prize for the menlovian shenanigan...

i emailed her to tell her this, but i'll say it again: alana, to claim your prize, just email me at menloveBLS@hotmail.com. make sure you email me from your BLS account. i'll holler back and let you know where you can claim your prize. (the only reason i'm not posting the info on the "handoff" here is because i don't want to be bumrushed by a bunch of menlove-identity thieves.)

ok, now that all of the business is taken care of, it's time to wrap up this semester's installment of our wonderful classmates! these final two were also popular picks, each one being nominated numerous times, and they are both personal favorites of yours truly.

some of you may not have had a chance to get to know them that well yet, as they are both in section 7, so you've probably only had a chance to hang out with them in crim or civ pro II, but i can personally attest to the fact that they are both extremely worthy of the exalted title of "wonderful." thanks one last time to everyone who sent in the nominations that made this thing possible...

so here you go, without further ado, our final two wonderful classmates!!!

wonderful classmate #11 : Uncle Denny

truly "an oldie but goodie," uncle denny is very likely the "oldest 1L in the history of BLS." born "during the hoover administration," denny spent his childhood "working as a bargee" on the banks of "the mighty mississippi." after being laid off for "excessive and groundless absenteeism," uncle denny hitchhiked to new york city with nothing more to his name than "his rugged good looks," his "impish sense of humor," a safari hat "straight from the billy hella collection," and his "trusty wooden tennis raquet" named svetlana, which he was constantly strumming, thinking it to be a ukelele.

short on "cash, smarts, and teeth," uncle denny quickly "took up residence on a subway platform at union square." he spent his nights "reeking," "nervously tugging on his wispy white beard," and "periodically wandering around" to "strike up a conversation with a frightened tourist" or to "urinate a wooden bench." during the day, uncle denny "made his living the only way he knew how," by "putting his safari hat on the ground" like some sort of "filthy tip jar," and "happily fingering svetlana" while belting out "old riverboat ballads" from "the days of yore."

some forty years later, "his beard a bit whiter" and his "teeth a bit fewer," denny was "inspired to try his luck on the LSAT" after a "chance run-in with the law" (that is, ty law, cornerback for the AFC-champion patriots), who suggested that he "quit fucking around and go to law school already."

and go to law school he did. uncle denny chose BLS because he "had always dreamed" of earning his JD at "the fifth-best law school in a major metripolitan area," and has "thrived there ever since," emerging as a "comprehensible, if a bit warbly" voice in the classroom, who is also "quite active" in "meaningful extra-curricular activities" such as brooklyn law school's "pigeon feeding guild," "mutual masterbation club" (co-founded with menlove... meets tuesdays in the 8th floor men's restroom), and the "federalist society."

so here's to you, uncle denny... you're freakin' wonderful!

wonderful classmate #12 : Lucy

"like something from a different era," lucy is truly a "unique addition to the BLS family." adept at "climbing and foraging," yet "remarkably well-suited" for "complete bipedal locomotion," lucy has won "scores of admirers and friends" from sections 7, 8 and 9.

the guys in the class, although finding her to be "a bit hirsute," rave about the "sexy" and "bulbous curves of her protruding forehead," which can "barely house" the "burgeoning brain mass" behind it, as well as her "generous" "pink posterior," and "amazing" "nipple confidence." though only "about 3' 6" tall," lucy "has an unmistakable presence" in the classroom, "often contributing to the discussion" with a "variety" of "shrieks and grunts."

"utilizing both molars and incisors" to "enjoy the caf's offerings" with an "omnivorous palate," lucy also "wows" her friends with her "opposable thumbs," making possible a "prehensile grip" that allows her to "grasp anything from a rough-hewn scraping tool" to the "penumbras of the fourth amendment" with "ease and aplomb."

going to school "full time" while "raising her son, jub-jub" as a "single mother," lucy has "accomplished some amazing feats" during her life, such as "earning three A's during first semester," using "splintered mammoth femurs" as "melee weapons" to "stave off challengers" to her spot as "alpha female in civ pro," being asked by professor pitler to serve as a "research assistant" for next summer, and "single-handedly" "debunking" the "myths of the creationists," and "exposing 'intelligent design'" to be the "sham science" that it is. "all in all," her friends say, "we're lucky to have found her."

so let's hear it for lucy, a simply wonderful person in our class!

my wonderful classmates - redux!

2005-02-01T01:01:00.000-05:00

though i'm swamped in work for this one-credit hour class of mine, i'd be remiss were i not to take a few minutes out of my evening to continue this semester's edition of "my wonderful classmates!"

going again through the nominations you all sent in, i could not help but notice that something like 70 or 80% of them cited a nominee as being "hot," "a hottie," or "hot as hell," sometimes all for the same person.

it seems like spring is already in the air, and that we have all officially become a bunch of low-down, licentious, libidinous, horny, bawdy, randy, raunchy, ribald, and downright theobaldian animals in heat.

right on!

however, don't think that hotness alone will merit selection for this semester's wonderful six... as yesterday's picks illustrated, it takes more than just a pretty face to get your portrait blown up to horrific proportions on the pages of menlovian.

that being said, let's get to the festivities. today's wonderful folks are a pair of ladies who hail from section 8. strangely enough, as i was going through the facebook to get their pics, i noticed that they both also went to school at UC santa barbara. must be a nice place to spend one's undergraduate years.

did they know each other in california? do they know each other now? these are not questions to be answered by menlove. my job is simply to faithfully collect, synthesize and share your nominations, with minor editing for clarity, of course.

so without further ado, here they are... two more wonderful people in our class!

wonderful person #9 : Alana Paull

emerging this semester as "a genuine academic all-star," alana's classmates say that her "intelligent" classroom contributions "make sense" and "help other people to understand the stuff better." "i constantly copy her notes in class since she's so smart," the only drawback being that she "types something like 70 wpm." alana's intellectual prowess "extends beyond the classroom" as she is "pretty much an ideal study group member."

guys rave that alana is a "total hottie" "with a smile so nice, it makes me glad i got rejected by columbia and nyu." her "cool persona" and "warm personality" make her an "ideal friend who will someday make a terrific lawyer."

while she is "really fun to chill with," and "always able to cheer up a friend in need," alana is also a "fascinating" person with "diverse interests." "fluent in both french and italian, and conversational in bulgarian of all things," alana is a "one of a kind" "classy" and "silly in all the right ways."

so here's to you, alana... looks like you're a perfectly wonderful person!

wonderful person #10 : Adria Bouskos

lauded by the guys as an "unbelievably hot" "show stopper," andria was another oft-nominated wonderful classmate. fans admire her "scorching hot wardrobe, even when it's ten degrees outside," and proclaim her "the only reason i go to civ pro anymore." one fan gushed that being around andria "makes every day feel like springtime."

those who know her best say that she is "much more than just a pretty face" andria's "daring personality and fearless approach to life," is coupled with an "outgoing and engaging personality," all adding up to a "totally kick-ass" "adventurer" who enjoys "cliff diving, sky diving, scuba diving, and go-kart racing."

if you get to know andria, you'll find her to be "really nice" person with a "sensitive soul," who "turned out to be one of the best friends i ever hoped to find at a law school." that andria "knows how to work hard, and knows how to have fun" makes her a "well-rounded" and "basically awesome" person.

here's to you, andria... you're officially wonderful!

my wonderful classmates - part deux!

2005-01-31T00:01:00.000-05:00

full disclosure: the only reason i named this entry "part deux" is because over the last week or two, i've watched pretty much every episode of VH1's "I love the 90's - part deux." great shit. i'm fairly certain that that title is a nod to the seminal film "Hot Shots! - part deux," though i'm not sure.

throughout this week, i'll be revealing your choices for some new wonderful classmates. thanks again to everyone who participated by sending in nominations... we even had some last-minute nominations over this weekend. it's been a tough decision for me, but i've finally narrowed it down to just six.

obviously, if you're not on this list, you may very well still be wonderful yourself, so i hope that no one takes their inclusion or exclusion too personally. i had to choose from a buttload of nominations, so these are just my choices, and my choices are meaningless. keep in mind that this blog is created by an idiot who still can't remember the four elements of a prima facie negligence claim, so just take it for what it's worth, and enjoy!

this time, the descriptions of our classmates will be presented in a sort of "zagat" style. in other words, any words i include in quotes came directly from your posted or emailed nominations. also, both of today's folks happen to be section niners. don't worry, there will be plenty of people spotlighted here this week from other sections.

so here we go, without further ado, and in no particular order... six more of the most wonderful people in our class!

wonderful person #7 : Mark Antar

our most-nominated classmate, receiving no fewer than six distinct nods, mark really is a wonderful person. fans find his "deep voice" "pleasant to listen to," and add that it "commands attention."

while some called him "damn hot" and "easy on the eyes"or commented on his "intriguing hair," more people were impressed with mark's "laid back" and "chill" personality, appreciating his "whiskey-smooth" "stoned vibe." mark has also impressed many of his classmates with his "intriguing" contributions to class discussion, his extensive football knowledge, and his "funny as hell" sense of humor.

"unique and smart," and "always willing to help out a confused friend," he "seems like the type you'd like have a pint with after class." "get to know him if you haven't by now," fans rave, adding that "the dude abides."

so here's to mark, a truly wonderful person in our class!

wonderful person #8 : Andrew Oldis

"oldis kicks ass" seems to be the general word from his classmates. "he sits in the back row in every class" but always manages to "contribute something" that is "pretty damn intelligent." andrew has a way of "challenging the professors" with questions that are "on point and interesting." that he is always "watching some baseball game" or "reading up on espn.com" during class while still "seemingly understanding it all" is a testament to his "big brain."

cited as "fucking hilarious" and "the best guy to talk to when you're down," andrew has won many fans and admirers. "don't be afraid of the whole marshall mathers vibe," because "there's a big teddy bear underneath" the "low brim of his hat." a "hottie with a heart of gold," andrew is the type who "helped me fix my bike when the chain broke off," because he "goes all-out for his friends."

so here's to andrew, an authentically wonderful person!

happy hayrick

2005-01-28T00:01:00.000-05:00

damn, this reliance damages stuff is getting confusing. i still have twenty pages of contracts ahead of me this evening, so i'll get right to the point.

i guess i always figured that eventually the profs would catch wind of this piece-of-shit blog, but i am still not happy that it has happened.

what would possess someone to tell our professors about menlovian? i'd imagine that the student who emailed pitler or told schneider was the same one who (in sixth grade) reminded the teacher that she had forgotten to assign that night's homework.

ultimately, however, i'm mad at myself. here's why:

it's true that i haven't said too many mean things about our profs on this blog, largely because i have basically liked all of them very much. i've been a sebok worshiper and a nan fanatic. i've always been a staunch robyn-defender, and though i bust on hella and pitler, i've always apreciated them as well for their sense of humor and the great stories they tell. and so far this semester, gora and jones seem to be fairly cool and interesting, and poser is turning out to be pretty much the greatest thing since sliced bread.

and i feel that 95% of menlovian's readers have always been respectful in what they write about our profs because, like me, they tend to like our professors overall. i'm not saying that people here aren't critical - they are, but there's nothing wrong with criticism. what worries me though is the mean-spirited comments, especially those that have surfaced in the last several weeks, particularly as grades have been coming in.

i sense that the vast majority of these vitriolic comments have been written by just a small handful of "anonymous" posters. i know from my conversations with you all both in and out of class that the majority of would never speak so scornfully about any of your classmates or professors.

but a few people have, and a few people still do, and a few of these people post these things on my site. and i have allowed them to do so. though i've preached "kind and gentle hayrick" throughout the five months of this menlovian experiment in terms of how we write about each other, i have allowed some pretty nasty things to be posted about our professors. for this, i am sorry.

what it boils down to is that our professors are part of the hayrick. the civility we extend toward one another should also be extended to them.

pedagogical criticism is fair game. so are good-natured observations about a professor's mannerisms, lecturing style, or personality. and of course, there's nothing wrong with complaining about how assignments and exams. i mean, if not here, where?

but what's not cool are personal attacks on a professor, wishing for a professor's death, or professing hatred for anyone at BLS. i should never have allowed these things to be posted on my blog; from now on, they will be deleted immediately.

***

these three weeks have been pretty much the longest three weeks of school i've ever experienced. fortunately, there's just one more class with poser, and then we can all enjoy what will hopefully be a nice weekend.

on a positive note, a triple-nomination sent to me this morning has brought us to a total of 19 nominations for wonderful people. (that is, 19 different people, four of whom were nominated more than once, for a total of more than 25 nominations!)

thanks to everyone who contributed. i'll be introducing you all to six more of your wonderful classmates throughout next week, starting first thing on monday morning. see you all then.

***

in the spirit of inanity...
Who would you rather???

Venus Williams
Serena Williams
Jamie Foxx
Michael J. Fox (circa 1985)

view results

Create free website polls
$5 Web Hosting!

the difference is clear

2005-01-25T01:09:00.000-05:00

those of you who attended property today surely recognize the the title for today's blog. professor jones informed us that at a staff meeting, big tony let everyone know that "the difference is clear" (printed on our BLS water bottles) was, to him, a stupid slogan to put on a bottle of water.

one can't help but wonder what slogan sebok would have suggested had he his druthers in the matter... if anyone has any guesses, you know where to post 'em.

anyhow, this is gonna be super-quick because daddy's got some civ pro to read. i'm going to lay off of the beryl commentary for the next few classes while i put the finishing touches on "beryl jones, the drinking game." however, i have to mention that it is getting to be equal parts amusing and ridiculous how professor jones claims that she is unable to pronounce anyone's names.

jones: "popov? hayashi? am i saying these names correctly?"
kick-ass student response: "you got it!" (as if we know these guys, and are familiar with the pronunciation...)

today, jones admitted that she was unsure as to how to wrap her mouth around the name of this obscure artist whose name was something like vincent van "gaw". good stuff.

ok, let me take care of some business here:

attention alana paull: according to one of our classmates, you may have won the menlovian shenanigan challenge by shouting out for professor jones to slow down, albeit very politely, and perhaps unintentionally. if you believe that you do indeed deserve the prize, email me from your BLS account and i'll get back to you to arrange the "handoff" of the goods! so congrats, or whatever.

i'd also like to respond to two comments from the message board. one reader noted:

"So I've heard a lot of people complain about how hot it is in the Contracts room, but today I definitely saw a positive benefit- everybody wearing less clothing.You know how everybody is bundled up during the winter, so you get excited about seeing the slightest bit of skin? Today there were no fewer than 4 tank tops on girls and 5 tshirts on guys. Nice job people, makes me forget that its the middle of January and its fuckin ten below outside.Your thoughts big M?"

menlove replies: i thank you for your astute observation, dear reader. may i add that in addition to the random flash of skin, one cannot help but appreciate how nice some of our classmates have been looking on the days of their in-school interviews for summer jobs. some of you all really clean up nicely.

another reader asked:

"menlove, would you "come out of the closet" if you were offered fame? we're not talking BLS fame. we're talking real fame? books, newspaper, magazine articles?"

menlove replies: yes, but only so that i could sell my likeness to samsung for their cool-ass futuristic ad campaign, or maybe even to seiko, to help them sell stylin' eyewear to old cats like helladonk.

***

so i've got to sign off now. thanks to those of you who have nominated your wonderful classmates. i have received a total of twelve nominations thus far. this is a good start, but i need at least six more. the onus is on you, dear reader.

menlovian is going on vacation until i receive six or more new nominations. i am tired and i need the rest, so i'm asking for your help in the meantime... if i get all six nominations today, then i'll have a new post ready for you all tomorrow. if it takes all week, that's fine as well. these can be posted anonymously on the discussion board, or emailed to me at the usual spot, menloveBLS@hotmail.com.

i'll leave you with the following bit of wisdom from lionel hutz, attorney at law:

Hutz: No don't you worry Mrs. Simpson, I-Uh-oh. We've drawn Judge Snyder.

Marge: Is that bad?

Hutz: Well, he's had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog.

Marge: You did?

Hutz: Well, replace the word “kinda” with the word “repeatedly,” and the word “dog” with “son."

Eds. note: If you're really not in the mood to work, check out this great discussion of "The Law of the Simpsons." http://www.snpp.com/other/articles/lawsimpsons.html

husky

2005-01-20T00:53:00.000-05:00

so i'm pretty pissed off because i was at starbucks this afternoon (trying to resist the whole douwe egberts thing), and my property textbook was stolen. i mean think of it - the theft of personal property is frustrating enough, but when that property is itself a book about property, well, the irony is so thick it just makes me want to vomit.

what would be equivalent fates that could befall other textbooks? i imagine that the theft of a property book is akin to someone raping and stabbing a crim book, falsely imprisoning a torts book, or taking sullivan & gunther's magnum opus and, oh i don't know, boring it to death i suppose.

i believe that i will be bringing a conversion claim against starbucks under the doctrine of respondeat superior. while i'm at it, i'll hit 'em with a writ of mandamus, a rule 12(b)(6) motion, and possibly also something involving stare decisis conjunctivitis.

don't fuck with me starbucks! i know the law.

or perhaps not, as evinced by my torts grade. i still love sebok (or should i say, C-minus-bok) (sorry, that was stupid), but this final grade was just one last slap in the face for ol' menlove. well, i'm thankful that they're finally all in. now, armed with my stellar barely-over-2.0 gpa, i'm sure that i'll have to beat the myriad summer job offers off with a stick. or maybe i'll just stick to a job beating off myriad people this summer.

so am i crazy, or did someone actually pull off the menlovian shenanigan by asking jones to slow down today? i was sort of not paying attention, but i think it was done in a really polite manner, i.e., a raised hand and a simple, "can you slow down please?" unfortunately, i was unable to see who it was who spoke up; what's more, i have no idea whether they were actually trying to win the prize i'd offered, or if it was just a regular old concerned student. if anyone has a ruling on this, let me know, and if i owe someone some sort of prize, i'll surely deliver.

con law was pretty much what you'd expect. for some reason, i still think that the class is two hours long. therefore, once the clock hit 2:50, i started getting excited to take our customary break. by 3:00, i was freaking out... finally at ten after, i remembered that it weren't no two credit class no more.

anyhow, aside from that frustration, class was pretty good. the best part was obviously when hella went into the story about the old days at the bakery, and how he had to strap on the "husky" suit when it came time for his "bar mitzver."

(how much money would you all pay to see photos of hella wearing that suit on his bar mitzvah day? that would make my week.)

in other news, it's been amusing being addressed as "M-Dog" and "M-Love" recently on the message board. you guys make me feel so... gangster.

now last night, someone posted what i considered to be one of the funniest messages of the year. i'm talking about the one that included the phrases "so help me anthony sebok," "sundry bedraggled offspring," and "menlove-identity blueballs." that shit genuinely cracked me up, so thanks. i only wish that the author would have signed in so that i could give due props.

in response to that response, you make a persuasive argument, but i hope by now it's been made clear that i'm not in this for the "due adulation of my peers."

(although that does sound intriguing... what would it entail, exactly? case briefs and course outlines from my readers? foot massages during contracts class? autograph sessions in the cafeteria?)

anyway, if i was in this for the glory, i would have employed subtle means to reveal my identity, like putting secret messages in the titles of my entries, or hiding codes in the time and date stamp at the end of each blog, or some stupid shit like that. or i would have just told people that i was menlove already.

but i haven't done any of that. instead, i've added about sixty layers of subterfuge to this thing. i have allies who remember the funny quotes from classes so that i won't get caught transcribing them, and allies who tell me what goes on in class when i'm out sick. some of them actually assist me without even knowing it. all of my writing takes place outside of school, on a computer that no one else has access to. i'll never be caught reading menlove in school, and when people tell me about my blog, i act like i don't even read it. even if someone did figure out who i was, they still would not realize who i was. to keep the dogs off of my foxy scent, much of what i write is infused with a healthy dose of bullshit; in fact, this entire paragraph may itself be complete and utter bullshit. and although i was accused of being menlove last semester, and perhaps i'll be suspected again in the future, i'll never fess up.

hahahahahaahaa!

whoa, sorry about that evil genius mode i just went into. the point is that i value my anonymity, and the idea of adulation is less than agreeable to me. as i've said before, i just write this crap for fun, to keep myself distracted from the whole "all stick, no carrot" scenario, and also because it makes me happy to think that menlovian makes some of you guys happy.

really the only way that i'd ever come out of the menlovian closet would be if it meant that something really good would come of it. i mean something really good, something that actually mattered.

for instance, if our whole menlovian family got together and gave a shitload of money to charity on behalf of BLS in order to fight AIDS in africa or something like that, then i would come out. or if someone convinced careena collins to spend the next three years living in a cage under my bed, being let out only to work as my personal chef, housekeeper and concubine, i'd be out in a jiffy.

so i've got to hit the books again, but there's still one final note:

thank you goes out to the reader who suggested that an anonymous system of nominations for our wonderful classmates might be a better alternative. so far, i've only gotten about 6 nominations, and two of those are for the same person.

therefore, feel free to nominate someone anonymously.

this can be done in a couple of different ways. you could simply post your nomination anonymously here on the message board. the other alternative is to just use a non-BLS email address, or even make up a new account (which takes just a minute or two on hotmail or yahoo), and email me at menloveBLS@brooklaw.edu.

i'll be taking the next couple of days off to get this fucking letter written for robyn's class, so this entry will probably be it for the week. i hope you all stay warm, and lastly...

get those fucking nominations in! do it anonymously! say something nice about someone, and make somebody happy!

nominations based on nice asses are, of course, welcome.

shmeh

2005-01-18T23:50:00.001-05:00

what's up...

thanks to the anonymous person who posted the link to the hella article. very impressive stuff... though i have to admit that i love the idea of hellerstein as a gym teacher. i can picture the dude in his parachute pants, with a whistle around his neck, presiding over a serious game of dodgeball.

anyhow, thanks to the five or six of you who have nominated friends (or yourselves) for the upcoming "wonderful classmates" segment. however, i would like to see a lot more nominations roll in during the next few days. please don't be shy; send me your nomination today (plus a brief testimonial) to menloveBLS@hotmail.com.

not much to report today. 4/5 grades in... it is now clear that i will not be failing out, so that's cool.

on that note, has anyone already dropped out of school? and to all you smart kids out there, is anyone thinking of transfering to columbia, NYU, or wherever the smart kids go? i haven't heard too many rumors about this yet.

in response to the question about how i'll be keeping my identity a secret next year, this won't be an issue, as menlovian will be wrapping up at the end of this school year, at the very latest.

you're right, my favorite thing to post about is the daily goings-on in class, and it would be impossible to preserve my anonymity when we all have different schedules. plus, my silly little blog takes a lot of time to write, and i think that one year of solid effort is a good length for a project of this sort. that being said, i'll try to post often between now and the end of the year, but once june rolls around, menlovian will disappear like a fart in the wind, and so will your old friend menlove.

school was pretty cool today. there's just something great about poser the dozer. he scored some major points by describing shiley maclaine as... fetching. plus, he uttered this week's immortal quote:

"there's no such thing as a bad student. some students are just less good than others." instant classic.

however, was anyone else thoroughly confused by the following hypo poser posed to the class? here it is, to the best of my memory:

"imagine that a contract is made for $18,000 dollars, but it costs the plaintiff just $12,000 to build the bridge. therefore the profit is six thousand dollars. assume further that at the time when rockingham county repudiated, the plaintiff had incurred costs of $2,000. what then are they entitled to recover?"

i swear i really tried my best to pay attention to this part of the discussion. however, poser soon had a crazy-ass list of figures on the board, and i was quickly lost. evidently, the solution to the problem involved the factoring of some sort of quadratic equation, a twenty-sided die, the multiplication of matrices, and at least a rudimentary understanding of game theory.

scott kreppein, where are you now that we need you???

in other words, the answer was $11,000. unfortunately, i have literally no idea how that figure was reached. fortunately, if poser tries to pull some shit like this on the exam, i'll be ready with my answer: 11K. as long as we don't have to show our math, i'll be cool.

civ pro was fun while it lasted, although was i the only one who felt like gora was a bit annoyed by how little we seemed to understand about even the most rudimentary aspects of civil procedure? it really was a little bit pathetic, pretty much it was three guys answering 70% of gora's questions.

so to the rest of you in civ pro, it's time to step it up a notch. you can't always expect me, knox and demian to answer everything!

just fucking around. i did not participate in civ pro today. in fact, not only did i fail to volunteer, but i spent a good ten minutes calculating the number of weeks until i'll be called on in civ pro, assuming that gora sticks to his four-person team approach to socratic case law analysis, coupled with the alphabetical order thingy.

ok, i'm out like the gout. don't forget:

i need your nominations! this means you, click this link now, and let me know who's worthy:

menloveBLS@hotmail.com

hasta.

a portrait of the artist as a piece of shit

2005-01-17T23:59:00.000-05:00

so here it is, nearing midnight at the end of a lazy three day weekend. i've had my con law textbook open in front of me for close to an hour, but for some reason i can't bring myself to actually start reading all of those tiny, confusing little letters.

i think that at this moment, i am at my lowest point all year in terms of motivation and passion for the study of law.

i mean, i just came off of an extremely trying, hectic, and largely unsuccessful semester. sure, it's looking like i won't be failing out, but in some ways (and i'm ashamed to admit this) i'm almost disappointed that i failed to fail out.

what i've learned from last semester is that by working really, really hard every day, by sleeping very few hours per night, by allowing my college friendships to stagnate, by failing to exercise in any way, by upping my smoking habit dramatically, and by ignoring virtually every other hobby / interest / leisure in my life, all i will be able to gain is a spot squarely in the bottom quarter of our class. and this truly is a shitty realization.

last semester, though hampered by my menlovian intellect, i still managed to attack my assignments with some degree of passion. i cared. sure, on some level, my work ethic was fueled by a fear of looking ridiculous vis-a-vis a sebokian socratic skewering; regardless, at least i gave two shits.

now, i sit here and look at this con law reading, and i hardly care about it at all. hell, i really barely even care about my con law or torts grade at this point. (although, i have to admit that i liked how brassy hellerstein was when he announced that he would be blatantly disregarding the school's posted january 15th grade submission deadline. "kiss my tenured ass, baby!") and it's not like it's just tonight's homework. what lies ahead is about four more months of constant frets, sweats and regrets, peppered with a frantic but fruitless job search, failing health, and deteriorating connections to almost everything that else that once mattered in my life.

i've just never felt quite this... shmeh since school started.

anyway, sorry about all my bitching. i'm done now.

on to something more positive...

i've been meaning to respond to much of the mail that some of you guys have been sending to menloveBLS@hotmail.com. unfortunately, as many of you use anonymous email addresses rather than your BLS accounts, it's hard to tell whether several of you or just a few of you have been sending me email. regardless, it's always good to hear from you all.

one theme that's popped up in my inbox a few times is people requesting for me to redo or renew the whole "my wonderful classmates" thing from last semester.

more specifically, some of you seem really to be interested in finding out my thoughts on my least favorite people, the people i think will be most likely to flunk out, or the people who i consider to be the biggest nerds in our section.

obviously, these are topics for private conversation, not for anonymous bloggery; however, what i have decided to do is to reprise last semester's "my wonderful classmates" series.

it makes sense to do this now for a few reasons... first, five out of last semester's six wonderful folks were in section 9. now that our classes have all converged, it would surely be worthwhile to recognize some of the great people in sections 7 and 8 as well. furthermore, the original 6 were posted just a month or two into the school year. obviously, we've all had time now to get to know the people sitting around us in class a bit better, and new fantastic personalities have certainly emerged.

therefore, the time is ripe for "my wonderful classmates II."

however, whereas last time i pretty much picked the six "winners" all by my lonesome self, this time, i'll be enlisting everyone's help.

if you happen to know someone in section 7, 8 or 9 who never fails to impress, nominate them by sending me an email.

in addition to the name of your nominee, be sure to tell me some things about them that make them such hot shit.

also, feel free to nominate yourself! i don't give a crap if you do, and i promise i won't call anyone out for doing so. hell, you yourself might be more wonderful than anyone else can possibly know.

i'll be accepting nominations all this week at menloveBLS@hotmail.com

***
one final note: there is still a very real and tangible prize awaiting any brave soul who dares to shout out "slow down!" during property class. offer expires this wednesday after professor jones dismisses our class.

dozer

2005-01-14T01:02:00.000-05:00

sort of in a rush this evening, so i'm gonna kick it bullet-point style...

i know it's too early to tell, but doesn't it seem like professor poser pretty much kicks ass? what is it about this old man that makes him so darn likeable? his laid-back, socratic-lite approach? his sense of wonder (and the smile that crept over his face) as he described being at the supreme court? or is it the fact that he gave himself a pretty friggin' cool nickname today... poser the dozer. (not dozer as in snoozer, but dozer as in bulldozer, as in a one-man wrecking crew.) bottom line, it sucks that we have to go to school at all on a friday, but we could do a lot worse than two hours with the dozer. maybe i'm wrong... i'd love to hear what you think about him as well.
civ pro was a breeze again today with professor gora a.k.a. bob newhart. gora just seems like a really, really nice guy. it was so fun watching how delighted he was when he realized that the student in our class portraying the plaintiff was from missouri.
also intriguing was gora's revelation that he was a cartophile. (is that a real word? i may have just made it up.) anyway, he's not a "map freak" but he is a map lover. i don't know why, but i like knowing these little things about our professors.
i have to wonder if gora will be using this plaintiff / defendant / judge / commentator approach to all of our cases this semester. was it just me, or did it seem like some of the people today got off really easily? anyway, i hope he sticks with it.
thanks to the person who wrote up the pitler story on the message board. sort of makes me appreciate P a little bit more... i mean, you think sebok gives a shit whether any of us smokes ourselves to death? way to go, professor pitler.

all things considered, a thoroughly decent first week of the semester. hope you all have a great three day weekend. take a bit of advice from menlove, your local village idiot: aside from spring break, there will be no better weekend to party than this one. put your books away, put some sort of buzz on, and rock out with your cock out.

-menlove

i gotta get me one of them hedy lamarr noses...

too much tit

2005-01-13T01:02:00.000-05:00

"this movie's got too much tit and not enough tanks. either get rid of the tits, or add some more tanks. so you know what i did... i added tanks." - Professor William O.G. Helladonk, Esq.

you can now add lenny bruce to hellerstein's posse. i like to think of hella and all of his homies (leonard bernstein, lenny bruce, huey p. newton, little stevie breyer, moon, stewie, che guevara and jimi hendrix) sitting around in some greenwich village apartment in the 60's, banging on bongos and tripping on peyote.

(can anyone compile an accurate list of all of the names hella's dropped so far this year? obviously, my list above is incomplete, and partly fiction.)

anyhow, it was a pretty fun class today, highlighted by the tit/tank speech, a good debate on natural law, and a lot of long tangents about some really boring cases.

property was also slightly more boring today, although professor jones did have some amusing moments. how great was it to see her vigorously slicing a coffee cake while answering questions about the sale of organs?

jones also did a bit more of her name game routine. listen next time to the names she calls out in class... half of them aren't even real words.

(what's your name? tom? are there any other toms in here? thomases? tommys? tompkins? tommifers? tomsils? how do you say tom in spanish?)

that spanish shit was awesome. how great would it have been had someone replied with, "si, me llamo tomas."

anyway, thanks for the delicious kosher snacks.

hasta!

norm!

2005-01-12T01:02:00.000-05:00

ok, so i'm annoyed because i just wrote this blog for thirty minutes, then my computer freaked out, crashed, and i lost all i'd written. fortunately, it was a really crappy entry; regardless, here's take two.

hi! welcome to menlovian! i will be keeping this short tonight, as i have yet to begin the sure-to-be scintillating con law reading (is it just me, or has all the fun seemingly been sucked out of that class? i can hardly bring it upon myself to even crack open those 1000 pages of fun before the midnight hour. anyway...).

to the person on the message board who asked, yes, i have tried the BLS water, and i have to say that for 75 cents, it was not too shabby.

also have to say hello and welcome to "Puffendorf," who made himself quite a splashy entrance: glad you're here, try to play nice, make sure your girlfriend wears a helmet, and never bring a gun to school.

anyway...

today was a good day. i have to say that i really like this professor poser character thus far. thanks to the anonymous soul who pointed out the bob novak connection.

from my perspective, poser really reminded me of that actor paul scofield, specifically in his portrayal of mark van doren Quiz Show...

ok, ok... i'll admit that poser looks more like novak. but he was very van doren today in the way he spoke, particularly in his wonderful employment of melisma on the final syllable of his words ("...whether-rr the contra-aaact was relied upon-NNN-nn").

i loved it. also nice was the professor kingsfield clip from the paper chase. it would be awesome if poser could somehow incorporate more law school-related films into the class, such as legally blonde, legally blonde 2 - electric boogaloo, or even soul man, which is widely regarded as the cinematic ur-text of the law school experience, and a true piece of shit movie in its own right.

the point is that i'm liking the dude so far. he's about as old-school as they come, and overall i am optimistic about the prospect of spending five hours per week with him.

also today we had our first fifty minute civ pro marathon with another new teacher, professor gora. i'm sure i'll have more to say on him in the weeks ahead, but for the sake of brevity, for now i'll just say that he seemed like a really friendly and enthusiastic guy. obviously, all it takes is a quick gora google to find out that massive brownie points await any student who can work campaign finance reform into the class discussion.

so i have to hit the books. one last thing...

remember how professor jones mentioned on monday that if she's ever talking too quickly, to simply raise our hands and let her know, or just to shout out "slow down!" during class?

let's see who's really got some balls (or ovaries!) in section 8 or 9...

that's right boys and girls, it's time for the first installment of...

MENLOVIAN SHENANIGANS!

this week's challenge: shout out "slow down! during property class either today or on monday. a special prize will be awarded to the first person who pulls off this shenanigan.

i freakin' dare you!

high hopes

2005-01-11T00:02:00.000-05:00

lots of changes afoot at our beloved BLS at the dawn of this new semester. it seems as if our school's 100th birthday is now officially over, as the gigantic banners in the courtyard have been replaced with flags of red, black and gold. for a moment i thought that our little corner of joralemon had been annexed by germany, but upon seeing the familiar and friendly faces at the security station, i knew that everything was as it should be.

a new shock was waiting for me in the cafeteria (aka the "caf" as the cool kids say). our water bottles now sport a BLS logo, and the grill area has been taken over by the douwe egberts coffee system corporation.

wtf???

accept the coffee

so thank you to everyone who posted messages throughout vacation. i hope y0u had a good one. greetings and salutations go out to our newest member, who goes by the moniker "B". that's easily the shortest name ever, so congrats, B. concision is a virtue.

thanks also to the kind people who commented on my new layout and user profile. i'll try to add a bit more to the profile in the weeks ahead, so those of you who wish to learn a bit more of my life story can check it out there.

anyhow, today was an exciting day, as it was the first day of property, a new class with a new professor, beryl jones, esq. i have to say that i was quite excited about this class, starting with the moment that i bought the textbook.

let's talk about that textbook. isn't it just the cutest little thing ever? i'm crazy about it. it's so small and light, and just brimming with all sorts of wonderful pictures and illustrations. i just want to lick it, it's so freakin' tiny. when i go clubbing this weekend, i'm going to stuff it down the front of my pants.

and i have to say that the first case, moore, was actually fairly interesting. i learned the word splenectomy, and i read about something called hairy cells. plus, the decision was practically written in outline form. way to go, judge! moving on...

it's hard to know where to begin with professor jones, so i'll keep this short until we get to spend more time together.

i like her. something about her is vaguely... sebokian? or am i merely projecting my longing for sebok onto her? regardless, she's got great energy, and a pretty good sense of humor, although her delivery could not be any less like tony's.

did anyone else notice the way she kept on playing with that rubber band all through class? i liked it.

anyhow, it seems like by the end of the semester, we'll have a chance to learn all about professor jones, her daughter's experience picking a college, how she doesn't like criminals, and hopefully many more interesting things.

maybe i was biased because the textbook was illustrated, but something about property class today sort of gave me that elementary school vibe.

was it the ten minute pep talk about how there's something amazing inside each and every one of us? the fact that we have to do a workbook? or was it all of her friendly and random questions?

are there any other williams in here?
willys?
willamenas?
wilhelms?
come on, there must be another william in this room!
where did you grow up?
did anyone grow up in the southwest?
raise your hand if you have a master's!
is anyone else's dad a firefighter?
who wants cookies?

the other great thing about class today was that we spent the whole first hour just getting to know each other! whereas big T spent about 55 seconds of class time before he tore into walter v. wal-mart, professor jones spent 55 minutes on all of our various fun and games. good stuff.

the bottom line is that i am feeling optimistic about the class and the professor. let's keep our fingers crossed. i'd also love to hear everyone else's first impressions about property. smoke 'em if you've got 'em.

ok, time to get on the contracts homework. i'm currently on page two. page one took me - i'm not kidding here - almost twenty minutes to figure out.

later taters.

2005...

2005-01-04T01:01:00.000-05:00

happy new year everyone!

though i have no idea whether or not i'll be around next semester, i'm going to hope for the best, and act as if i'll end up in the top 90% of the class, thereby continuing my pursuit of a J.D. chalk it up to the power of positive thinking.

i agree with the person who griped on the message board that it is becoming extremely frustrating not having the majority of our grades despite the long delay. i'd be willing to bet that robert pitler, esq. has not even begun to peruse our frantic ramblings from those torturous hours in early december. what's more, it's really not so implausable to imagine that pitler won't really ever bother to read them at all...

(i think that was like a triple negative in that last sentence. my writing skills are rapidly eroding, along with virtually all knowledge i managed to accrue throughout first semester. i mean seriously, i can't really remember what a single one of the federal rules of civil procedure are, aside from rule 11, which involves some sort of sanction for attorneys who do bad things with barbie dolls, or at least with dolls that infringe upon barbie's copyright. though i can sort of recall a bit of torts info, con law and crim are completely gone.)

anyhow, it's been a great break so far. i finished sending out all of my resumes and cover letters, and managed to line up an interview with justice rehnquist for next month. i'm also looking at a job as a writer for law & order, SVU. evidently someone in charge of their scripts department caught wind of my idiotic little blog, and actually liked what they read, and asked me to write a scene for their show. so that would be cool if it panned out, but do i really want to suffer through five more semesters of law school to end up as some alcoholic pseudo show biz TV writer hack, working on some spin-off that's bound to go off the air within a year or two? regardless, if none of my resumes and job search efforts prove to be worthwhile, i'll probably just end up asking my old man to hook me up with a summer associate position at his firm (he's a partner at cravath). though i am hesitant to do the whole nepotism thing, at least i'll earn some decent cash.

(of course, everything in the preceding paragraph was complete and utter bullshit. i can barely spell ranqwist, much less line up an interview with him. i would drop out of law school in a second to write for a TV show, but it ain't happening. and my dad isn't even an attorney, he's a line cook at hooters in terra haute. i have no job prospects. my resumes and cover letters have been sent out, but the most encouraging feedback i've gotten so far was from the staten island D.A., who sent my resume back to me with a booger stuck in it. i'll undoubtedly end up having to beg professor pitler for a job as a summer research assistant. unfortunately, since the old codger isn't exactly down with the whole publish-or-perish thing, he'll probably ask me to research remedies for his various corns and bunions. with any luck, p-funk will allow me to apply a soothing balm to the sores on his crusty old feet.)

that aside, i'm thoroughly enjoying this wonderful break from law school, and i hope you are as well.

i am happy to say that i have already had more than one date this winter with the subtlely sublime princess strawberry margarita. out of respect to her wishes, and at her request, this will be the last paragraph that i devote to my love life (unless, of course, i end up being single again, at which point you and the clerk at my corner liquor store will be the first to know about it). anyhow, i get one paragraph, so i'll try to make it a decent one. we went to some sort of hot-shot tapas place on our first date, way out of my price range, but whatever. the problem was that they had double-booked my friggin table, and old menlove and his lovely princess had nowhere to sit. we were starving, hovering by the bar, i was praying for at least one stool to open up, and the coversation was awkward because i was constantly having to look around for a place to sit. things were looking dire, and like the menlove i am, i hadn't come up with any sort of backup plan, so i was pretty upset. then, all at once, it was as if the gods (nan and tony) were smiling upon me, the two seats directly in front of us opened up. i was so freakin' relieved and happy, and so was she. it was as if finally the date could begin. we ordered a shitload of tapas, a pitcher of sangria, and pretty much got comfy, and settled in for about two very fine hours together on our crowded little bar stools. the food was delicious, the pitcher was drained and a second was ordered, and things really started to click. she laughed at all my jokes, and i realized that she was about twice as charming and intelligent than i'd ever imagined. the more i looked at her, the more beautiful i realized she was, like the graceful curves of her shoulders and neck, or the way that a single strand of her hair would linger deliciously in the corner of her mouth as she smiled. true, the sangria was kickin', but as we sat there together, i realized that this woman was like claire huxtable and careena collins all rolled up in one. damn, this paragraph is pretty long already, but the date was only half over. she agreed to accompany me to some silly lounge, where we easily nabbed a comfy couch. princess strawberry margarita and i switched to liquor, and she switched to a british accent, which for some reason charmed the hell out of me. every time i addressed her by her "royal" title, she addressed me as "count wooty wanka." to the outsider it must've seemed to be unmitigated douchebaggery, but to us, it was a really nice first date. the only downside was that i kept having to pee every ten minutes (when i drink, i have a bladder like a chihuahua), and every time i returned to her, some new guy was hitting on her, but i guess that's the hazard you face when out on the town with a fabulous fox like that. long story short, incredible woman & incredible time. i'm happy and hopeful, and that's all i have to say about that.

***

i've been wondering still what happens when we get our grades. will the people in the top ten percent be making their status known to the rest of us? will people be asking me what i got? i don't know how i'll be able to deal with that. i'll probably have to lie or else be ashamed.

i can tell you all here honestly that i've only gotten back one grade so far, and it was a C- in legal writing. pretty bad, but hopefully not in the bottom 10%.

anyhow, i hope people don't get too high and mighty with their grades. i've been hanging out with BLS folks quite a bit during break, and one thing i keep noticing is how much people like to bemoan the fact that they're going to be losing their scholarships at the end of the year.

at least you got paid for a year, asshole!

ok, glad to have that out of my system. thanks to everyone who has been posting during break, and welcome to our newest registrant, "sick chicken". pluck you, asshole! assuming i don't fail out (positive thinking, baby!), i'll do my best to get back into the habit of daily entries once school begins.

i hope you like menlovian's new layout. i figured it's a new year, a new start, so why not a new look. regardless, here's my wish to all of you for a year filled with new friends, good grades, great summer jobs, decent professors who stick to their syllabi, health, happiness, and thousands upon thousands of mind-blowing orgasms.

-menlove

it's all good...

2004-12-28T00:01:00.000-05:00

though i've always appreciated breaks from school, i feel like i've actually earned this one. while i've been keeping myself in a state of near-constant neurosis by compulsively checking to see if grades have been posted every five minutes or so, for the most part, i'm enjoying vacation.

i'm happy to say that i sent out about forty or so resumes today for summer jobs. i'm really pushing hard to get a job clerking for chief justice rehnquist, so hopefully that'll work out for me.

aside from that minor stress, things are great. at present, i'm soaking in a bathtub, surrounded by candles, hitting a nice little spliff, and listening to the sounds of the humpback whales on my walkman. as long as no one busts down my door and drops a marmot in the tub, everything is... "far out... far fucking out."

thanks to whoever posted that excerpt from the ny times magazine article. the times ran a piece this week about another "blawg" written by a partner at a big L.A. firm. it's fictitious, but very well written and entertaining: anonymouslawyer.blogspot.com

i'll try to post something else if the mood strikes me. i'll leave you all with a little poll...

adios!

robyn grade distribution quiz
what did robyn give you on memo #4?

35-36
34
33
32
31
30
29
28
27
26
25
24
23
22
21
20
18-19
16-17
15 and below
I am not in your class, Menlove!

view results

Create free website polls
$5 Web Hosting!

1 down, 5 to go

2004-12-22T01:01:00.000-05:00

well, i really can't believe that we've made it through a semester of law school. exams were a truly shitty experience, but at least they're over with. i'm pretty sure that i got a D or F on the con law final, but whatever. that's just part of being menlove. i'm just not that far along the bell curve, and i'm too dumb even too realize that at any moment, i'm likely to set this whole hayrick on fire.

so what i've decided is that if i manage to end up in the top 90% of the class, i'll come back for another semester. if that's the case, menlovian will also be back, bigger and better than before. we'll have two new classes and three new professors to bust on, which should be amusing. plus, civ pro will be combined into a big section, so we'll have even more laughs to share, and my section 9 centrism will become a thing of the past.

if i wind up fucking up as badly as i think i did on the exams, and land in the bottom 10%, i've decided that that'll pretty much be it for me at BLS. there's just no reason for me to continue racking up fifty grand per year in loans so that i can continue to earn D's, and wind up having absolutely no job prospects.

so there you have it. it's out of my hands now; all i can do is wait and hope, which i imagine is what all of you are doing as well.

oh yeah... i need to welcome our newest freak to the fold. what's up, "sick chicken"!

i'll post periodically throughout break, and let you all know what's going on with my grades, my love life, my summer job search, and the huxtables. if you care about any of this nonsense, feel free to check in. as usual, the message boards will be open 24/7, so you're all welcome to share your thoughts on your grades, what you're up to over vacation, or about all of the inter- and intra-section hookups that took place on monday night. (that's right, i heard about it already. we all know, and we're all talking about it. we think you're nasty. don't worry, i'm not judging you. menlove likes the freaky shit.)

one last thing... here's a great article i found about what rehnquist's recent illness might mean for the next decade of american jurisprudence:

http://www.unclemelon.com/how_to_eat_pussy.html

OK kids, hasta mo' pizza for now. congrats, safe travels, good grades, stay warm, get some rest, happy birthday jesus, happy new year, etc, and so on, and so forth, whatever.

reflections on the exam (part 3)

2004-12-18T01:01:00.000-05:00

first things first: i poppa freaks all the honies.

whoops... wrong song.

first things first: 59 comments on the message board... you guys kick ass! true, a lot of it was petty back-and-forth insults and such, but it's still good to hear everyone so fired up.

while we're on the topic, let's just squash all the animosity. it was fun while it lasted, and i think that a lot of it was simply a by-product of the accumulated stress we're all experiencing, but now that it's out of our systems, it's time to start being nice to each other, or at least civil.

how do we go about being civil? what's the procedure for being civil? did someone say civil procedure?

that was the worst segue of all time! fuck it... i'm just gonna go with it.

congrats to everyone who made it through the 8 hour civil procedure-athon. and to those of you who managed to rub a load out during the process, i guess i owe you a double dose of congratulations... that's truly impressive. (i guess i'm assuming that those of you who posted about masturbating are dudes... maybe i'm wrong. is there a female equivalent of the phrase "rub a load out"?) anyway, i'm curious to know where in the building you all accomplished this wonderful feat.

so anyway, i thought that the exam was really long and difficult, but like nan, it was pretty fair and straightforward. of course, what sucked for me was that the night before, i had about two hours left to study, and i had to choose between learning issue & claim preclusion or arbitration, and of course i chose preclusion. i figured that there was no way she'd leave that off of the exam. well, you know how that ended up.

anyway, i think i probably got a 'C' on the exam. in other words, it was pretty much my best performance yet. of course, i had some pretty major fuck-ups along the way. for instance, i kept on referring to dr. zen as "he", assuming that since he was a doctor, he was a man. as i was handing it in, i realized that nan had clearly mentioned that zen was a she...

ahh, i imagine my sexist assumption will not go over too well with the nanster.

for some reason, i kept writing "nicotine" instead of "nicozene." also, with about ten minutes left, i realized that i knew the name "fortenbaugh" from somewhere... but where? was fortenbaugh a brooklyn professor? a character in hamlet? then i realized that this name was a pretty major clue directing me to hickman v. taylor. thanks nan! unfortunately, i only had a few minutes left at that point to write about hickman. such is life.

well, that's really about all i have to say about nan's exam. there's really not that much to joke about, because it really wasn't that funny an exam.

bottom line, we've all survived our journeys through the states of justice, new bork, and brooklyn. one last stop on this crazy train ride.

by the way, since you're all here, let me say hello and welcome to "mischievous mischief", "Pedantic Civ Pro Buff", and "fact-finder". it's about goddam time you all signed in. glad to have you aboard.

well, good luck to you all as you study for con law. it'll be a truly shitty exam, but at least it'll all be over afterwards, and we'll have three weeks of freedom to enjoy. for me, that will mean hours and hours of quality time with the cosby clan, dozens and dozens of beers, weeks without reading a single case, and my first (and maybe second??) date with princess strawberry margarita. i hope you've all got nice things to look forwards to as well.

true, it won't be all fun and games. i've got to finish my resume and cover letter, and hopefully trick some suckers into hiring my dumb ass for the summer... and hopefully find a job before grades come out. even if i'm lucky enough to avoid having to drop out, i don't think that any potential employers will be too impressed with my straight D's across the board.

also, i guess we've got to do our first assignments for next semester, but whatever... compared to the last two weeks, that will be a breeze.

finally, someone asked a good question on the message board, and i don't want it to simply slip between the cracks: does anyone know when and how we get our grades?

ok kids, thanks for all the great posts on the board, and good luck on monday.

hail caesar! those who are about to die salute you!

reflections on the exam (part 2)

2004-12-14T13:01:00.000-05:00

well, we've got two down, and two to go. i'm going to keep this entry brief, as the civ pro exam is just two days away, and i feel completely physically and intellectully removed from nan, and from everything we did in that class... it seems like we haven't had civ pro in a month!

anyhow, before my reflections on the torts exam, let me say thank you again to those of you who contributed poetry and various funny remarks to the message board after the last exam. maybe after i fail out of school, one of you can take over menlovian for me, and i'll just post random comments on the message boards about the ongoing exploits of the huxtable clan.

yes, i really do think that i will be failing out of BLS in the very near future. unfortunately, the school sent me a bill for next semester, so i guess i have to pay up front, then get a refund after i withdraw.

as i said in the past, i'm pretty sure i got a 'D' or 'F' on the crim exam, and i feel like i got a solid 'F' on torts yesterday.

i went into it all fucked up... i had not slept since noon on sunday, so i had been awake for something like 21 hours as the exam was being handed out, and for a full 24 hours by the end of the exam. what was worse was that i knew that i'd be having trouble falling asleep the night before the exam because of nerves, and i drank four cans of guinness between about 10:00 and midnight on sunday night, hoping to pacify myself enough to fall asleep. unfortunately, all that i accomplished was leaving myself with a bit of a hangover by around 5 a.m., and also creating a potentially explosive situation somewhere towards the tail end of my digestive system (see below).

i felt pretty much like i was on PCP during those three hours of the exam. i was itching like crazy all over my shoulders and arms, i kept having these fleeting hallucinations of gold and silver flashes of light around the periphery of my field of vision, and worst of all, about every ten minutes or so, my guts started clenching up on me, and i was constantly worried that i was going to unleash a monstrous torrent of diarrhea right there into my seat.

(i remember during scott kreppein's review session how he said that we should be on the lookout for large bodies of collected liquids on tony's exams... little did i know that the ultrahazardous liquid would be sloshing around in the lower regions of my bowels...)

so the point is that i was in no condition to take the exam, and i spent 3 hours in a constant state of panic. because of this, i made many, many mistakes on the exam, but there was one mistake that was purely menlovian.

while i was reading the first page, misread the point values of the questions. in my sleepless, delirious and diarrheaic state, i thought that it said that questions 1-3 were worth 10 points each, questions 4-5 were worth 30 points each, and question 6 was worth 20 points. that's right... i thought the exam was out of a possible 110 points.

the point is that i only had ten minutes left in the exam when i got to question 6. you can imagine my horror when i saw how long the fact pattern was, and turned back to the first page to discover my mistake.

obviously, ten minutes were not quite enough time for me to effectively address the numerous issues contained in that problem. the bottom line is that i probably scored 2/30 on question six, and proabably about a 30/110 on the entire exam.

i mean 30/100.

despite the miserable situation, i have to say that it was a fair exam (especially compared to what happened last tuesday in the state of justice), and the questions were interesting. lots of cool stuff seemed to be happening in new bork. i liked it a lot when that kid leaned into traffic and got his head smashed in my that chick rose who was driving carefully down first street. that was pretty much how i felt by the end of the exam, especially when i discovered my mistake on question 6.

i also really liked what was going on between the arnolds and the levins. i wish that the story could have been longer. you just know that somewhere down the line, those two families each had a kid, and that those kids fell in love with each other, but had to keep their relationship a secret, and they'd meet out by the pond when their parents were at Wal-Mart, and they'd kiss and frolic and roll around in the goose shit.

also great was the image of the arnolds shouting religious slurs through a megaphone. that's got to be illegal.

now those of you who have been reading menlovian since the beginning may recall me mentioning how i wasn't learning anything in torts except for how "once upon a time, there was a drunk boy who was vomiting out of the window of a moving car, and who smashed his head on a cement post along the road..." or something along those lines. i went on to say that i would write about that on the exam.

well, i'm proud to say that i did get to include mcguiggan on the exam! you can imagine my excitement when i saw someone drunk at a party in the hypo. it was as if everything had come full circle for me.

the question i truly bombed on was the one where the guy was misdiagnosed for heart surgery. i read through the facts like three times, but i really didn't see what the problem was. i know these exams are all about issue spotting, but really the only issue that i spotted on that one was when the doctor was swabbing iodine onto his chest. i said that it was battery for her to do that. the point is that i really fucked up that question, which is pathetic, especially since i thought it was worth 30 points. basically i went into this long discussion of case law debating whether or not the cotton ball to his chest constituted battery.

in retrospect, i realize that since it was a fairly invasive procedure, the dude was probably anesthetized to the point of unconsciousness... and this pretty much undermines up my whole battery argument.

the bottom line is that i really fucked up. the best part of the exam was when it ended. by that point i was sweating, and my intestines felt like they were going to explode. inspired by question 6, i ran out to the bathroom and let loose with a raging torrent of molten tar which seemingly would not subside for several minutes.

and that's the thought i'd like to leave you all with for this week... four pints of hot, molten, tar-like guinness vomiting out of my ass in a rapid series of staccato bursts, like a shitty round of applause to punctuate the end of a shitty performance on the exam.

i'll talk to you all after the civ pro exam... good luck everyone.

reflections on the exam (part 1)

2004-12-08T13:16:00.000-05:00

i have good news:

i asked out princess strawberry margarita yesterday after the crim exam, and she said yes. i have to assume that she was in some sort of delirious state of mind after having endured the four-hour assfuck that was the crim exam, and was too confused or stupefied to figure out how to tactfully reject me. regardless, whatever the reason, she seemed excited, and i'm really, really happy about it as well.

so we're going out to dinner sometime after the con law exam, then hopefully for drinks afterwards.

as i'm still learning my way around this great city, so if any of you have suggestions as to good places to go for dinner and then for drinks, please let me know. ideal suggestions would be places that are romantic, funky, but not too expensive (as this date will pretty much be paid for by stafford loans). either manhattan or brooklyn is fine.

before i wax longiloquent on the exam, there are a few pieces of business left over from the last message board that i'd like to respond to.

first, bravo to the person who wrote the "twas the night before finals" poem. great stuff.

this is overdue, but bravo also to the person who wrote the thing for sebok's present. very creative.

all you creative geniuses really should start signing your work so that we can all give you props.

ok, also, speaking of anonymous intellect, congratulations to the person who so quickly figured out my "toilet paper" riddle. i guess i'll have to work harder to stump you guys next time.

finally, this was just posted on the last message board, but i didn't want it to get lost in the shuffle, so here it is:

does anyone know if ryan lewendon is single??????

(i love it. i think that menlovian just found its raison d'etre. future inquiries along these lines are highly encouraged.)

if anyone out there knows anything about it, please do share. unfortunately, i have no insights into ryan's love life, but i do know that he is a great guy, very funny and smart. hopefully it'll work out for you, whoever you are.

anyway, i just slept for about 12 hours, and am pretty much recovered from pitler's exam. here are some random thoughts on the experience. in honor of the incident in question one (was the guy's name basta? i can't recall...), the shootout in the grocery store, i'll be doing this part in bullet point style.

i'm pretty sure that i got a D on the exam. i hardly even had a chance to answer any of the last set of questions. also, my final word count was barely over 2100. these nerds sitting around me were all saying how hard it was to stay under 4000, or how they just chose to go over the word limit. so i didn't do well, but i doubt that i failed. overall, it was a purely menlovian performance, or at least it was very close to the tail end of the bell curve.
what was the deal with the guy driving in his underwear? why was that significant? i know that it was in there for a reason, but i have no idea why. if any of you smarties figured it out, please share so that i can agonize over having missed it for the remainder of the exam period.
who the fuck names their kids "poker" and "dice"? would you let your child hang out with these two? the question said that poker was standing by the yellow line on the road. here's what i didn't understand: where exactly was he standing? was he actually over the line, and standing in the road? i don't know how pitler can expect us to answer these questions without telling us this type of info.
finally, how sexy was question #4? was i the only one who was getting a bit of a richard stabone as i read pitler's description of jordan being stripped and then fondled by pat? (not to mention when things took a sexy s&m turn when pat smacked jordan into submission...) just the thought of these two sexually nondescript, genderless blobs cavorting alongside the gorge was more fun than i'd ever thought i'd have during an exam. if BLS ever finds a way to fire Pitler, i think the guy's got a great future writing romance novels.

well, we've got five days until the torts exam. i have a feeling that yesterday's exam will seem like a four-hour massage compared to what sebok's going to put us through. all you part-time students out there, consider yourselves blessed.

good luck everyone... i'll see you on the flipside.

this is it

2004-12-04T03:59:00.000-05:00

this will be my last real entry for the next couple weeks. there are a few loose ends i'd like to wrap up, but after that, i'm going to give it my best shot so that i can stick around next semester.

i like BLS, and i like you guys, and it's going to really suck if i have to flunk out after just one semester.

so we had our last torts class ever. i was actually a little bit sad when it ended. as always, it was a tremendous class, and sebok left us with one final immortal line:

"now i know what sixteen inches looks like." friggin' awesome.

but now it's over. it was a great run with a truly brilliant, interesting, dynamic and funny professor. here's to you, professor sebok. you kicked some serious ass this semester.

***

for those of you who enjoyed my favorite film clip (no, not careena collins... i'm talking about that kid dancing), i found his website, which features a lot more clips of him dancing, interviews, and so on. so if you're looking for a quick study break, check out: http://www.detoursvideo.com/Elsewhere.htm

so that's about it from me. i may post a periodic update, or maybe some reactions to the exams. additionally, if anything significant happens with princess strawberry margarita, you'll be the first to know. feel free to continue to use the message boards in the mood so strikes you.

here's one last thing for you guys... i wrote this riddle this morning, and thought i'd put it to the test by running it by all of you braniacs... see if you can figure it out:

what am i?

though never both at once
i am both flat and round
i'm at the end of every meal
and once grew up from the ground

though only number 2 for guys,
i'm number one to girls
you surely would be lost
without me in your world.

no matter how i kiss your ass
you can see through my hollow heart
and without even a thought
you tear me right apart

what am i?

***

good luck on finals, everyone. stay sane.

spring schedule

2004-12-02T17:01:00.000-05:00

class / prof / meeting day & time

property / b. jones / mon 11-1250; wed 11-1250

con law / helladonk / mon 2-315; wed 2-315

contracts / n. poser / tue 11-1225; thur 9-1025; fri 11-1225

civ pro / j. gora / tue 2-250; thur 2-250

legal writing... i'm not sure about this one, but i heard that she announced it in 9b's section this week. does anyone have a clue?

pitch woo

2004-12-02T01:01:00.000-05:00

hello again all my friends and classmates.

as if you don't have enough to worry about as you study for exams, i need to inform you about one other legal concept you need to know.

for those of you in torts, you've surely learned a thing or two about IIED and NIED. to those two i'd like to add a third category which i've discovered recently: SIED (self-infliction of emotional distress).

SIED is a particularly insidious breed of auto-tortious conduct. here's how i know that i've become a victim:

there's something wrong with me now where i am only able to sleep for an hour or two at a time. i get into bed, completely exhausted after hours of reading, and all i can think about are exams. i basically lay there and fret, tossing and turning and gnashing my teeth. when i do sleep, i dream of the exams.

these dreams are extremely messed up, disturbing and disconcerting.

one night i dreamed that i was taking my exam in a bed, and trying to use the headboard as a desk. it was a very awkward way to write. what made it really fucked up was that the entire headboard was filled with this image of pitler's face, and it had this hugely wicked and clownish smile, that sort of mocked me as i tried to write at an impossible angle on the headboard. the mouth then started sort of drooling on my exam paper as it laughed at me, and my pen started tracing these swishy, spitty ink lines as it moved through the drool.

i finally woke up feeling horrible. i know that this is weird, but the one i had last night was ten times worse.

i won't go into all of the grisly details, but in a nutshell, i was sitting at my usual spot in sebok's classroom, frantically typing my exam. all around me, you guys were doing the same thing. it was very realistic because the correct people were sitting in the correct places in my dream. i distinctly remember looking around at a few people's exams... specifically, i remember looking at the exam of that tall, smart guy who looks sort of like john kerry, and seeing how he had already written seven or eight pages, while i was still on my first.

ok, so far, normal anxiety dream, right? not quite.

i felt this like really strong breeze from the windows behind me, and suddenly this incredible snowstrom started blowing around the classroom. i clearly remember using my fingers to squeegee off my laptop screen.

then, i was really shivering uncontrollably, to the point where i couldn't even type, and i realized that i was freezing not just because of the snowstorm, but because i was completely naked. this terrified me, but still, the shock of finding myself naked was fleeting when i realized that i was not even sitting on my chair, but was instead somehow sitting on a toilet in the middle of the room, and even worse, my bowels were very much in motion.

so there i was, freezing buck naked taking a dump amidst an indoor snowstorm, while all around me you guys typed away confidently.

paging doctor freud!

so anyway, these are my SIED symptoms. if any of you are experiencing something similar, please do share.

***

well, i've got a lot of stuff to share with you guys, so i'm going to switch to bullet-point mode to help to move this thing along.

what's this i hear that we can get out of robyn's class next semester by taking some sort of international research class? in fact, i've heard about this about eight times this week. anyway, i'm not going anywhere. i'm staying with professor schneider come hell or high water.

we had our last real class with professor pitler today (aside from friday's review session). i have to admit that the classes have been really interesting lately. while i didn't learn a ton while i was in his class, i learned a lot outside of it, so i guess that's not too shabby. really all i can say about pitler is that he's not the teacher of the year, but he's a super nice guy with a great, sometimes acerbic sense of humor. overall, i'm glad that i got to ride along on the P-funk railroad during my first semester of law school. here's to you, professor pitler... thanks for the memories.

we also had our last class with professor hunter today, although she didn't teach it. (as a side note, i have to say to the members of section 8: you all are some smart mofo's. i thought that section 9 was where it was at, but you guys pretty much answered every question that woman asked... rock on, section 8!) i'm really going to miss professor hunter... those lemon wedges in her icewater, her awesome suits, the way she always finished the syllabus each week, and most of all, her dry-as-toast sense of humor. she was always good for one or two good one-liners each week. on tuesday, it was when she referred to Owen Fiss' "Against Settlement" as "one of the great classics of civil procedure literature which, believe it or not, is not an oxymoron." so it is with a heavy heart that i bid goodbye to professor hunter, a woman who truly taught us well.

in other news... and on a lighter note... your old buddy menlove has successfully gotten his weaselly little hands on a copy of our class schedule for next semester. how did menlove do this, you may ask? menlove accomplished this feat by combining his skills of breaking and entering, computer hacking, bribery, stealth, cunnilingus, as well as various other forms of subterfuge. will menlove share this information with his eager readers, you may ask? yes he will, but he left the info at school, so tune in tomorrow to get our schedule. why does menlove keep referring to himself in the third person, you may ask? because he is a sociopathic megalomaniac whose id is completely divorced from his ego.

just one last bullet point. fyi, the cd-rom containing the "module" for tomorrow's torts class does not contain any video games, just sixty pages of pretty dense reading.

i'm all out of bullets, and just about done with tonight's entry, except that i want to respond to some of the great comments left after my "careena collins" entry...

(1) i'm delighted (and insulted, but mostly delighted) as i continue to discover that a good deal of my readers are stoned when they post. all i can say is, share the wealth, baby! or in other words, "puff puff give, puff puff give, you're fucking up the rotation"... or in other words, "scuse me brotha, what we call drugs at the 74th street baptist chuch... we call it sinny siiiiiin sin. Well round heah... between normandy and weston, we call this heah a lil twenny twen twen...n*gga!"

enough of that foolishness... (i'm sure most of you have no idea what i'm talking about, so i'll proceed...)

(2) someone needs to email theobald, and get the poor guy off already.

(3) upon further review, i realized that demian posted his feedback with his real name. takes some balls to do that, even though it's not really a big deal.

(4)(a) on the romance tip, in response to that column, one anonymous reader said: "Menlove, have you made a move on your lady friend or are you replacing her with porn?" well, i haven't really made a move, but things are starting to cook a little bit between me and my fabulous classmate, whom for the sake of anonymity i'll be referring to as "princess strawberry margarita."

so i was actually talking with this lovely creature between classes earlier this week, and tried to send out some feelers to see if she'd be amenable to the idea of getting some menlovin'. i'm not exactly the smoothest character when it comes to the ladies, but what i said was something along the lines of "so what do you like to do in the three hours you're not studying each week?" it came out all cheesy like a horrible one-liner, but i was trying to come off as interested without being too obvious. so princess strawberry margarita paused for a beat as if she was measuring her words, and said to me (i'm pretty sure she said this with the tiniest hint of a come-hither smile, unless i'm totally deluding myself), "well, i pretty much just hang out or try to explore the city. i don't know too many people, so i'm usually up for whatever." (emphasis obviously added!)

so it think that this was a pretty good sign... or maybe it's totally not. i could very well just be setting myself up for a huge letdown, reading signals that aren't even being broadcast. for all i know, she's got a boyfriend. or a girlfriend. i'm basically clueless about women. i find them to be slightly less comprehensible than the con law text book.

if any of the ladies in the class can give help me to decipher these lines, it would help me out a ton.

(i should also note that i brought up menlovian in conversation once with princess strawberry margarita, and she told me that she "hadn't read it in months"... so as strange as this sounds, i think that this is a safe place to talk about her!!!)

(4)(b) the anonymous poster went on to say, "I have heard that inter-section hooking up is frowned upon, but there are two guys in my section who are the primary reasons I still show up to class. Do you have any advice?"

well yes, i do. and i must say that i like this "dear abby" vibe all of a sudden.

who exactly is doing all of this frowning on (i assume you meant "intra")-section dating? i don't see what the problem is.

"but we're scared, menlove! what if she says no! what if he rejects me and the whole class finds out? what if we hook up and even the professors find out? how can i date someone is see constantly in every class? it just won't work, menlove! waaah waaah waaaah!!!"

i don't want to hear that noise. that's all bullshit.

think about it. how could you NOT try to make something happen? when else in your life will you be surrounded by so many smart, successful, driven, and attractive people? most of us actually are single, and if you don't get in there and mix it up a little bit, you'd better bet your ass that someone else will.

there's no place for all of those worries. the embarassment of rejection is so temporary, so fleeting, that it is ultimately meaningless compared to a lifetime of wondering, "what if i'd only had the balls to ask him / her out?"

just think how quickly this semester has blown by. most of these people won't be in your classes next year anyway. and after you graduate, you'll never see the majority of them again.

so again, i say that i don't see what the problem is. as long as you comport yourself like an adult, are honest and open, do nothing to sully your reputation, and try not to cause any IIED / NIED, there won't be a bit of shame in your game.

therefore, my advice to anonymous is that you should ask out one of the two hotties in your section a.s.a.p. don't wait another day. i know that this is the worst possible time to do it, with all the pressure of exams or whatever, but - i'm going to get a bit zen on your ass here - the worst time is always the best time.

shit, one of them is probably theobald, so you'll undoubtedly be cruising careena-style in no time at all.

so let's all pitch some woo. get out there, and see what happens. the worst case scenario is that you get rejected, and at least you can focus your attention on more deserving parties. and the best case is that you'll make a new friend, or maybe get your rocks off, or maybe even get married and live happily ever after.

the end.

-menlove

love is in the air

2004-12-01T01:01:00.000-05:00

after last night's marathon entry, i'm going to keep this one short and sweet, as i have many hours to go before i'm done with tomorrow's crim reading, and get to throw out pitler's goddam ridiculous syllabus once and for all.

to the formerly anonymous person who sent me the wonderful email, yes, i did receive it. and i'm glad it's from you because you're about twelve times smarter than i am. thank you!

speaking of wonderful people, i'd like to give a hearty welcome to "crim feasor." i'm glad you're here... thanks for registering, and keep on posting whatever's on your nasty mind. welcome also to demian. thanks for the encouragement, and also for dropping a bit of knowledge on all of us at this late hour!

in other news, to all those who have been posting of late, i must say that i am thrilled with the direction that the discussion board has taken in the last 24 hours. it seems as if there are a lot of you out there who are, like me, in the mood for love, or at least for some lovin'.

i have a lot to say about all of this stuff, including my advice for the lovelorn (not that i know what i'm talking about, but i'll give it a shot), & some menlovian words of wisdom on the topic of intra-section hookups & dating.

i'll also be giving you the update on the tiny romantic sparks that have been buzzing around your pal menlove's head this week!

i'll talk to you all tomorrow. until then, stay sane, or as hella would put it, suck it up.

(hella would also mention something about "shmear", but that's another story.)

careena collins & the bologna pony

2004-11-30T01:01:00.000-05:00

i'm a bit delirious right now, having spent all evening slogging through the fifty or so pages of reading for tomorrow's civ pro class.

don't you just love it when, on the eighth page of a case, the judge writes, "We need not wax longiloquent"?

first of all, i've checked the dictionary, and "longiloquent" is not even a word. still, i think that i know what it means, which leads me to this question:

why can't they stop waxing longiloquent on page one instead of page eight?

anyway, on to the business at hand. the responses to yesterday's blog were wonderful. first, i have to give props and thanks to "absent bargee" for his/her totally ass-kicking poem. not only was it a nice synopsis of the semester (you brought up some highlights that i had forgotten), but it was a really good poem to boot!

it makes me glad to know that menlovian has been a positive part of the semester for some of you guys. although i've been accused of having an ulterior motive, really the only reason i spend so much time on this thing is because i think that law school pretty much sucks, and i want to do my part to make it less crappy for all of you. of course, my motives are not purely unselfish, as i actually have a lot of fun writing this silliness, and these entries serve as a nice reprieve from the ongoing tedium.

anyway, my point is to say thank you, absent bargee, for your kind words an hilarious rhymes.

speaking of my wonderful readers...

i can't believe that someone wants to share their torts outline with me!

THANK YOU! though i don't know who you are, this act of kindness may actually help me to avoid failing out of school at the end of the semester. in other words, if your friend menlove and his stupid blog are still around for second semester, it'll be partly your doing.

i don't know if you believe in karma, but i do, and i know that this act of kindness on your part will surely be returned.

you can send your outline to menloveBLS@hotmail.com

i assure you that i will not dilute its power by disseminating it to anyone else. thank you again!

i'll keep that email box open for awhile. if anyone else wants to send me any love mail / hate mail / feedback / blog topic requests /death threats / outlines (for those in need of a karma boost) / homemade pornography, feel free to do so at the address above.

oh yeah, i forgot to mention to my torts hero, thank you for not making me have to give you the "bologna pony" in return.

your use of that tasteful and scientifically-accurate phrase brought me back to a long-neglected memory from my childhood.

i grew up in the long beach area, and i had a buddy named cesar (but for some reason everyone - including his mother - called him "sizzle"). he used the phrase bologna pony all the time.

so it got me thinking about sizzle, how i've not seen him or thought of him in many years (he moved away before we graduated high school). anyway, sizzle was my friend who always corrupted me somewhat. whenever i was doing something bad for the first time, sizzle was there showing me the way.

it was with my little homie sizzle that i first dared to shoplift, to smoke cigarettes, to "visit" construction sites in the middle fo the night, and so on.

however, as great and as influential as the kid was, the reason why sizzle's spirit endures today is because he corrupted me in a really important way:

he got his hands on the first porno that i ever saw.

i think that most guys remember the first time that they saw filmed fornication, and the wonderful way that it made them feel. as you can imagine, it was a very special moment for me.

the tape sizzle showed me was called "careena collins greatest hits", and it was a collection of scenes by some porn star named - you guessed it - careena collins.

anyway, the movie changed my life in an instant. it was as if everything suddenly made sense to me.

thanks to careena collins, i had a purpose in life.

my first priority was to find a way to get a copy of this treasure so that i could enjoy it in the privacy of my own home. the problem was that both sizzle's family and my family each had only one vcr. plus, as a thirteen-year-old, i had very little unsupervised time to enjoy these types of movies, much less spend two hours hooking up vcr's and dubbing them.

the solution involved me skipping school for the first time ever. the story is too long to recall here, but in a nutshell, i hid in the hills behind my house rather than go to school one morning. after both of my parents and cesar's mom had gone to work, i went to his house and tried to find the key he was supposed to have left for me under a potted plant.

unfortunately, sizzle had fucked up and the key wasn't there.

obviously, this is not the end of the story. it takes a lot more than a missing key to keep a 13 year old truant from his pornography.

so, in a rapid series of tortious and criminal conduct, i found an open window, slid into sizzle's house, and walked calmly through the front door two minutes later with his mother's vcr under my arm, and scurried quickly back to my house.

needless to say, i had never hooked up two vcr's to a single tv before, and it took me until the early afternoon before i had things set up correctly. by the time it the dub was complete, i had about fifteen minutes before sizzle's mom came home.

fortunately, sizzle had come by after school and was there to sprint home with his vcr the moment i was done recording. he was a good friend.

unfortunately, i left the tape in our vcr less than a week later, where it was found by one or both of my parents.

(this is a different story altogether, though you can imagine that i had some explaining to do when they saw that their vhs taped which was clearly labeled "Halloween 1991" now contained some extremely graphic triple-x action.)

why am i recalling all of this today? well obviously it's because i'm procrastinating before i start the con law reading. but more importantly, it's because your use of the phrase "bologna pony" got me thinking about sizzle, and also about careena collins, and made me wonder, "where are they now?"

i have been unable to find anything about my old friend cesar online, but apparantly there is a wealth of info to be found out there about careena collins.

for instance, at http://adult-pornstar-mall.com/pornlist/starpgs/Careena_Collins.htm, there is some really great biographical information about her (as well as a pic), which i've excerpted below. strangely enough, it all relates back to the study of law! check it out:

"Porn Star Careena Collins is a petite brunette beauty who has enjoyed a pair of stints in the hardcore business. In between, she went to college and earned a law degree (emphasis added). Not your typical porno strumpet, eh? Well, Careena Collins Stands out from most of her pulse-pounding peers in many ways and has one of the most devoted fan followings of any hardcore star. With her drop-dead gorgeous good looks and always-scrumptious little 5'3" figure, Careena Collins exudes an irresistible sexual allure that only seems to grow stronger with each new flick. A dazzling deep throat specialist, she continues to be one of the hottest performers in hardcore..."

"In 1987, Careena left the porno scene for the school scene. She spent the next seven years pursuing her education and ended up with the aforementioned law degree. In the end, though, Careena found that she preferred the wanton world of hardcore sex to the no-ethics world of weaselly lawyers. She leapt back into the porno fray in 1994, startling long-time fans with a newfound nasty streak. In fact, since her return Careena Collins has been one of the most voracious vixens in all of porn..."

now, i don't mean to wax longiloquent here, so let me just make a few observations...

first, how great is it that careena collins found it more ethically palatable to allow herself filmed having anal sex than to work in the "not-ethics world of weaselly lawyers"?

i mean, let's look at careena's track record here. this is a woman who has always treaded on moral high ground by acting in films such as:

"Blowjob Queens from Hell"
"White Bitches in Heat"
"Ramb-Ohh"
"Mad Jack Beyond Thunderbone"
"Sodomania Slop Shots"
"Butt Banged Naughty Nurses"

as well as my personal favorite, "Meat Pushin' in the Seat Cushion #3".

(no, i don't know these titles from memory. careena's entire filmography can be viewed at adultfilmdatabase.com)

anyway, i don't mean to make anyone feel to weaselly, but it looks like that's exactly what we are. regardless, it's good to know that if the whole lawyering thing doesn't work out for me, perhaps i'll be able to find some opportunities in the wanton world of hardcore sex.

talk to you all again soon.

-menlove

the penultimate p-funk

2004-11-29T09:31:00.000-05:00

through the wonders of modern technology, i've now discovered how to email my blog postings without actually being logged in to the blogger.com website.

what does this mean? i can now post discretely during class without anyone seeing what i'm doing...

(booyah)

so pitler's class is about to start, though i can hardly believe how strange it feels to be back in school after nearly an entire week of freedom. actually, it doesn't feel so much strange as much as it feels... terrifying. how can it be that in just a week we'll be taking exams?!?

i started "outlining" for torts this weekend. by outlining, i mean that i sat down and began to fathom the sheer enormity of the material that i need to synthesize in order to keep from completely bombing on the exam. i have over 100 pages of class notes! this might sound impressive, but perhaps you'll reconsider when you realize that every other line of my notes is an incomplete thought. e.g.:

"the key element for an NIED claim requires that the claimant be within..."

or

"Tony: intent could mean two different things... it could mean purpose, and it could mean... something about ??"

i have line after line of this stuff in my notes. basically, what this means is that i'm only smart enough to keep about half a sebok sentence at a time in my mind. it all works out to a logical continuum:

i don't understand the cases assigned... i can't follow the lecture... my notes are garbage... my outline is worthless...

the only reasonable conclusion is that i will fail the exam.

who do i have to fuck around here to get a decent outline???

one final, completely unrelated note... i was thinking about robyn and how much i have been liking her lately. it got me thinking about how little we've seen her these days.

think about it. didn't it seem like she "combined" classes like five out of the final six weeks? and on those weeks when we met, weren't we there for only twenty or twenty five minutes, maximum?

maybe that's why she left her position at the law firm... rather than working 80 hours / week, she only has to work 80 minutes.

i'm not hating on you, robyn. i cherish our time together.

i know how most of the guys feel about professor schneider. it seems to be about 50% love, 50% hate. but how do the women in our class feel?

here we go... grandpa P in the heezy. i hope everyone is excited for another big dose of crystal-clear instruction, peppered with perfectly-executed socratic dialogues, and scintillating hypos which will masterfully illuminate even the most subtle contours of the law, as only professor pitler can deliver!

(sending email now... let's hope this works!)

phew!

2004-11-24T01:01:00.000-05:00

such a relief to have the paper over with...

i'll be out of town for turkey day, but i wanted to post two quick things before i go.

first, for those of you whose minds are still frazzled after the memo, enjoy this short clip, which i consider to be the greatest minute of film in the history of amateur videotape. make sure you watch til the kid in the orange shirt blows your mind.

http://www.big-boys.com/articles/robotdance.html

second, just out of curiosity, what did you conclude on your memo?

Were you right?
What did you decide on your memo?

A&C waived privilege
A&C retains privilege
Could go either way on appeal
I am not in your legal writing class!

view results

Create free website polls
$5 Web Hosting!

let's relax

2004-11-21T23:01:00.000-05:00

here are three poems for all you anguished, angry, gossipy, sleepy, stessed, kind and caring souls out there. the first is about love, the second about sex, and the third one will hopefully get you back to work.

The Rain
by Robert Creeley

All night the sound had
come back again,
and again falls
this quiet, persistent rain.

What am I to myself
that must be remembered,
insisted upon
so often? Is it

that never the ease,
even the hardness,
of rain falling
will have for me

something other than this,
something not so insistent--
am I to be locked in this
final uneasiness.

Love, if you love me,
lie next to me.
Be for me, like rain,
the getting out

of the tiredness, the fatuousness, the semi-
lust of intentional indifference.
Be wet
with a decent happiness.

i like my body when it is with your
by e. e. cummings

i like my body when it is with your
body. It is so quite new a thing.
Muscles better and nerves more.
i like your body. i like what it does,
i like its hows. i like to feel the spine
of your body and its bones, and the trembling
-firm-smooth ness and which i will
again and again and again
kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
i like, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz
of your electric fur, and what-is-it comes
over parting flesh....And eyes big love-crumbs,

and possibly i like the thrill

of under me you so quite new

Lying in a Hammock at Williamm Duffy's Farm in Pine Island, Minnesota
by James Wright

Over my head, I see the bronze butterfly
Asleep on the black trunk,
Blowing like a leaf in green shadow.
Down the ravine behind the empty house,
The cowbells follow one another
Into the distances of the afternoon.
To my right,
In a field of sunlight between two pines,
The droppings of last year's horses
Blaze up into golden stones.
I lean back, as the evening darkens and comes on.
A chicken hawk floats over, looking for home.
I have wasted my life.