Menlovian

somehow i have managed to get through four weeks of my first year of at brooklyn law school. this blog will be about those four weeks, and possibly the weeks yet to come, depending on whether my lazy ass has the free time or the inclination to continue this thing.

i'll try to be honest with what i write here.

this experience is crazy. every so often i'll have a class where i feel like i'm really getting it, but most of the time, i have little idea what is going on. i'm learning a shitload of new stuff, more than i've ever learned in a single month in my life, but understanding none of it fully. why am i not studying right now, you may ask? i have no answer for that, just as i'd have no answer for most of the questions asked in class.

i think i'll start today with some brief impressions about how i feel about my five BLS professors. i'll also go ahead and brief it for you...not out of kindness, but because it's all i know how to do anymore.

Menlove v. The Professors of BLS

329.nvas.6y, A.2b.`~:_wtf?

Procedural History: The trial has been going on for nearly a month now.

Facts: I am a first year student at Brooklyn Law School in Brooklyn, NY. The D's in this case are my professors: Hellerstein, Sebok, Hunter, Pitler and Schneider. I have spent several hundreds of hours briefing, reading, and not sleeping, but seem to be learning less than the vast majority of my classmates. I will very likely finish this semester in the bottom quarter of my class, and will never even be allowed to wipe my ass with a law review, much less write for one. In short, I am screwed.

Issue: Is my pathetic state of academic stagnation my own fault, or are my professors liable?

Discussion: To answer this question, we must take a brief look at each of the plaintiff's five professors...

Pitler (Crim) - The dude is basically cool. He's got a kind of sarcastic sense of humor which is sometimes funny. I don't think that this guy really gives a fuck about teaching any more. He rarely takes his lectures much further than the reading assignments, so his class is fairly low-stress. When I look around the room, all I see is people reading the Times and instant messaging. It's just that kind of class.

The guy loves his podium. He puts an elbow on it, then palms his face with his hand. He'll stay in this position and talk through his hand for up to twenty minutes at a time. Sometimes he'll put two hands on his face, but only when he really gets warmed up. Eventually it starts to look like his face and hand are melding together, fusing into one sarcastic blob.

Pitler can get crazy socratic right up your ass. If he senses weakness, he'll keep you on the spot for a long, long time, responding to your every attempt with a snarky question. It's funny because it's usually happening to someone else.

The bottom line on this class is that it's easy. Pitler is not malicious, not always enthralling; basically a nice guy.

Hunter (CivPro) - Hunter has her shit together. She comes in with a plan, and executes it very well. She calls everyone by their first name, which somehow makes the proceedings seem more humane, and she tells you in advance when you're going to be on call, so that's cool. Hunter really hasn't much of a sense of humor, or at least not one that she shares with us. Like civil procedure, the class is very dry and structured. The only thing we've read so far that's grabbed my interest was the complaint from Jones v. Clinton. It's pretty cool that I get to pay 34K per year to read stories about the President of the United States fondling his erection.

Hellerstein (ConLaw) - A nice guy so far. We've only had this class twice, so there's not much to go on. I like Hellerstein, but I have no clue what's going on in class. The textbook weighs in at a scant 1600 pages, and the font is miniscule. I seem to be incapable of learning anything in this class. Really about the only thing I've learned is the word mandamus. I don't know what it means, but I know that it exists. Mandamus. I like the way it sounds.

Schneider (Writing) - She is nice, and I keep hearing that the class is really important. She has no teaching experience, and doesn't always explain things well. I can't read her handwriting on the board or on my papers. That's pretty cool that my writing professor's handwriting is not legible. Schneider is definitely trying really hard, and is always happy to answer questions or emails. In fact, I think she sent out about a dozen emails to our class this week. One says that the paper is due on Monday morning. The next one says that the paper is absolutely due on Monday morning (emphasis added). Good stuff.

I love that she gave out her phone number on the first day of class. The bottom line is that she is very nice, is improving every week, and is pretty easy on the eyes. Hopefully the class will continue to improve, and she'll teach me how to write gooder.

Sebok (Torts) - I had to save the best for last. This dude is brilliant. He knows it, and so does everyone else in the room. He's also one hell of a funny motherfucker, yet he never cracks even a hint of a smile. He used to terrify me, and I'm sure that a lot of people dislike him, but going to his class is like going to see a play, and it's usually a very enjoyable one.

The cool thing in this class is that a lot of the cases are friggin' nuts. As it turns out, people do all sorts of stupid shit to each other. I think that my favorite one so far was the kid who was vomiting out of the window of a moving car. Basically, that's the only information I've retained so far in Torts, that once upon a time there was a boy who was puking out of a moving car window, and his head smashed into a cement post. I think I'll write about that on the exam.

The bottom line is that he's my best teacher so far. Unfortunately, I only can follow about 50% of what he's saying. There is no doubt that I will get a D in this class.

Holding: My professors are generally good. I, however, am one of the Menloves of the world.

Disposition: I'm fucked.

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