all sorts of shit

i've been meaning to write something for the last week or two about mitch hedberg, a great comedian who was recently found dead in a new jersey hotel room. his death didn't get much coverage because it was in the middle of a parade of much larger, high-profile deaths on TV and such.

regardless, he was a truly unique performer. like steven wright, hedberg was king of the razor-sharp one-liner, and many of his hyper-literal observations were extremely memorable.

i thought i'd dedicate a little space on menlovian to some of his greatest (or at least my favorite) jokes. so i hope you all enjoy, and here's to you, mitch.



I had a bag of Fritos, but these were Texas Grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. Hell yeah. Reminds me of summer time, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. "Better flip that Frito, Dad. You know how I like mine: with grill marks."

I order a club sandwich all the time. And I'm not even a member, I don't know how I get away with it. "I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread." "So do I." "Lets form a club then." "Okay, but we're gonna need more stipulations." "Yes we do." "OK... Instead of cutting it once, lets cut it again." "Yeah, four triangles." "And we will position them in a circle. And in the middle we will dump chips. Or potato salad." "Let me ask you a question, how do you feel about frilly toothpicks?" "I'm for 'em!"

Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr. Pepper, but it's a bullshit replica, 'cuz the dude didn't even get his degree. Alright.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

Some people say "I don't care if people are white, black, purple or green". Ah hold on now... purple or green? You gotta draw the line somwhere. To hell with purple people! Unless they're suffocatin'... then, help 'em!

I got some tartar control toothpaste. I still got tartar, but that shit's under control. If the tartar gets outta line, I'm like, "come on, man. You know the deal. You crazy-ass tartar" I got so much tartar, I don't have to dip my fish sticks in shit!...That's actually kinda gross.

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which one's the real hero?

I find that duck's opinions of me are very much influenced over whether or not I have bread. A duck loves bread, but he does not have the capability to buy a loaf. That's the biggest joke on a duck ever. Like, if I worked in a convenience store, and a duck walked in a took a loaf of bread in it's beak, I would let it. I would say, "Come back tomorrow, bring your friends." When I think of a duck's friends, I think of more ducks in tow. But, they could have a beaver in there, too. Cause if you're an animal, you want to have a beaver as a friend, cause they have some kickass houses. Right on the lake. "Fuck lakeside, this is lake ON!"

I like the FedEx guy, 'cause he is a drug dealer and he don't even know it! And he is always on time.

This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one fucking complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to be a bitch. The mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination. Good luck fucker. The last payment must be made in wampum.

There's a commercial on late-night TV for this thing you attach to a garden hose, it says "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product." Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach!? That seems so very mean. "I know you need water, but I'm gonna make you hard to reach. I will throw water at you. Hopefully, they will invent a product before you shrivel and die. Think like a cactus!"

One time a guy handed me a picture of himself, and he said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is of when you were younger. Here's a picture of me when I am older. You son of a bitch, how'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera ...

An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an escalator "Temporarily Out of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs... Sorry for the Convenience ... We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there."

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

***

so i guess school was pretty cool today. contracts was fairly straightforward, and poser was pretty funny when he reminded us that "you can't kill your parents and say, 'but i'm an orphan.'"

and the bagel party in legal writing was a nice way to end the year with robyn. i enjoyed listening to her talk so much shit about pennsylvania and the entire south, and the bagels and muffins were a nice little treat, so all in all, i can't complain. i thought she was a pretty good professor all things considered, though i did see a few people writing some bad reviews on the evaluation forms.

also interesting was robyn's refutation of beryl's theory that we should choose classes to prepare us for our career, not for the bar exam. i was wondering if anyone else has heard anything about which is the right way to select courses for the next two years.

in other news, the names of the people who made the 2nd round for the moot court tryout were posted this afternoon. i'd like to congratulate the following people from my section who made the cut:

meaghan a.
scott c.
jed f.
brittany h.
allison j.
david k.
woody l.
knox m.
demian o.
aimee s.
lishani s.

i'm proud of you guys, and i hope you all go out there and kick arse in the 2nd round. and a little message to the rest of the school... if you find yourself paired up against one of these eleven section 9'ers in the second round, you'd better bring your A-game, because these eleven folks keep their shit tight. (this is especially true if you find yourself paired up againt someone on this list whose name rhymes with either reagan, box, or, well, demian... with these three, you're entering a world of pain.) section 9, represent, baby baby!

(speaking of entering a world of pain, as you know, i'm always quoting from the big lebowski, which a lot of people claim is the best movie of all time, or at least the most quotable. seems like at least once every few weeks, i overhear people at school talking about it and trading quotes back and forth.

to let you in on a little menlovian secret, i actually never saw this movie until last week. until then, i'd just been pulling quotes off of the web, and inserting them where i thought they'd sound funny. anyway, now that i've seen it, i'm a little bit confused as to what all the fuss is about. yes, it was definitely funny... walter was a great character, and turturro was a scene-stealer, but overall it didn't blow my mind or anything like that. although i've heard that it is a movie you've got to see multiple times to fully "get it," i'm wondering whether it's really worth all the effort. your thoughts?)

finally, someone raised an interesting issue on the message board about who was the best professor of our 1L year... the general consensus is that the heavyweight bout would have to come down to sebok vs. poser.

unfortunately, i have had trouble posting polls lately, so we won't be able to decide the issue that way, but still, i thought we could open up the discussion boards on this topic.

so here's what i'm looking for on the message boards...

• on the topic of mitch hedberg and stand-up in general, who are the best comedians out there right now?
• thoughts on the bagel party / legal writing in general
• theories of course selection... bar prep vs. career prep
• is lebowski really that funny?
• and finally, who's the top gun, sebok or poser?

thanks for playing, kids. don't forget to open up your hearts to the people of africa. skip that second cup of douwe, send me a dollar pledge (or more, if you can swing it), and do something that really matters with your scrizzle.

i hope you all have a great weekend. especially janice cooperman, sam levy, marc-andre wolfe, and juanita parker: i hope you four have the time of your life.

-menlove