best of BLS

the end of the year is upon us, and it's time once again to hand out the first (and last) annual "best of BLS" awards. these awards seek to recognize those people, things and moments that have contributed to make this, our 1L year at BLS, particularly memorable and intermittently wonderful.

though the categories are ridiculous, and the selection process was far from democratic, i hope you'll enjoy the best that BLS has to offer!

i'll start with the obvious topic:

best professor of the year: this was a close competition. after synthesizing the opinions i've gleaned based on what you've posted on the boards, what you've told me in class, my own impressions, etc., i am very proud to announce that the best of BLS award for 2004-2005 goes to professor norman poser. poser's an all-around great guy who cares about our success, who injects just the right amount of humor and life into an otherwise dry subject, and who serves up his lessons in well-planned and easily-digestible bite sized chunks. also, he's a pimp. basically, i like this guy so much that i wish he was my grandpa. that way, i could sit on his lap and have him tell me stories about when he was a boy growing up in england. then he would tousle my hair, and give me a nickel to go buy some ice cream. ok, that was a little gay. anyway, congratulations to professor poser!

runners up: professor anthony sebok, professor nan hunter, professor otis dixobig

best place for a late afternoon canoodle with your special lady: sometimes it's easiest to be hidden while in plain sight. this award goes to rooms 505 and 605, two classrooms that are rarely used for actual classes. the weird mini-hallway entrance arrangement gives young lovers five seconds to stuff their junk back into their clothing in case of any third-party intrusions. plus, the center table in these rooms makes a mighty fine alter upon which sacrafices to Eros may be, um, laid. add to it all an abundance of natural sunlight which filters into the room to illuminate the wild gyrations of young bodies in heat, and you've got yourself a fine place for a late afternoon canoodle!

runners up: the ohio digests, on the floor in the back of the moot court room between rows of seats.

best bet for lunch at school: this one was another close call, but the best of BLS award goes to a very special panini called the brooklyn barrister. this hot concoction consists of mounds of gooey mozzarella, sliced and breaded chicken breast, and tons of sweet tomato sauce, all sandwiched between two grilled pieces of pita. it's a consistent crowd-pleaser, and when paired with its good friend the kosher dill, it's sure to fill your stomach in style. here's to you, brooklyn barrister!

runners up: the all-day omelette bar, back-to-back cigarettes out front

(did you know: "panini" is actually plural? the singular form is panino. now you know, and knowing is half the battle.)

dirtiest sounding legal term: no contest on this one... the winner is "fraud in the factum." to me, the word "factum" sounds like the bastard love child of the words "fucked" and "rectum" - two words which, incidentally, have always gone great together. throw "fraud" into the mix, and you've got yourself what sounds like a backdoor entry gained through wily deceit. that door's exit only, baby!!!

runners up: penal offense, pro bono (how could you be anti, really?), class action (see rooms 505 and 605, supra), dictum, cum-guzzling felcher (discussed fully in UCC 2-208)

best place to sit in class so as not to be called on: strangely enough, front and center seems to be the safest spot in the room.

most annoying thing to type fifty times in my notes: hands down: "Rule 12(b)(6)"

runners up: "second-party beneficiary," "restatement (third) of torts" (who the fuck is still using the first edition???)

best (and by best i mean worst) exam of the year: well, we've only had four thus far, and hopefully today's winner will not be supplanted by any that await us in the next few weeks, but the award goes to pitler's crim law exam!! this four hour doozie featured such a memorable cast of characters: some dude driving around in his skivvies, cocaine (and fake cocaine!), kids named poker and dice, and a massive blood-bath in a grocery store. really just a treat to read and think about. plus, there were four massive, sprawling questions coupled with a 4,000 word limit, which turned out to be a fairly lethal combo. finally, who could ever forget question four, which involved a sexy-as-hell, late-night, drunken hermaphroditic gorge-side romp, with possible erotic asphyxiation undertones!!?!! and the question itself was repeated from the previous year's exam!!! kudos, professor pitler.

best BLS staff member: this was another close call, but in a squeaker, the winner is the cafeteria check-out girl with the huge earrings!! though i don't know her name, she's made me love her by calling me "sweetie" every day as she hands me my food. that's what mom used to do too, but mom never looked so damn good doing it...

runners up: the asian guy who helps poser with the A-V stuff (dude keeps his shit tight!), the manager of the bookstore (very helpful, and thanks you by your name when you use a credit card, even if you're just buying a snickers bar), the entire security staff (good guys to joke around with, though i have a foolproof method for circumventing their security checkpoint when i forget my ID: hold up a cool ranch dorito as you walk by. the guards evidently find them to be indistinguisihable from a real ID. or just walking by them without establishing eye contact seems to work as well.)

text i read really, really closely that i instead should have used as a doorstop: you all know where i'm going with this one... the winner is the buffalo creek disaster. simply put, two hundred pages of pure and utter horse shit that did nothing to expand my understanding of the law. seriously, a better assigment to prepare us for civil procedure would have been to have us watch the entire third season of Night Court.

runner up: a student's guide to estates in land and future interests (might have been worthwhile if they'd used a bigger font), dressler's understanding criminal law (might have had a point if we hadn't already bought an unabridged version of the exact same book by the exact same author only in hardcover. )

funniest student line of the year: this was a really tough one to figure out. we've got so many funny motherfuckers in sections 7, 8, and 9. however, the more i think about it, the more i keep coming back to one which i am proud to announce as our winner: scott chait's immortal words, "i'm not a lawyer in the bedroom." i'll never forget that one. thanks, scott, and congrats.

anyway, i could go on, but it's past one a.m., and i've got to get back to the outlining bullshit. i wanted to give out awards for the following categories:

• most enjoyable / memorable case of the year
• most confusing thing we studied
• funniest line by a professor
• shittiest 1L rite of passage

if any of you care to give out awards for these categories, or if you've got categories of your own, or if you'd like to disagree with any of my choices, please share your ideas - serious and otherwise - on the message board. lord knows we'll all need some pleasant distractions in the days ahead.

did you enjoy the best of BLS? i hope so. i enjoyed writing it. thanks for reading, and have a great weekend.

-menlove

*BLSforGood*

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