t.v. shows that mattered

warning: today's menlovian contains some images not suitable for some viewers. discretion is advised. although compared to that horrible link someone posted on yesterday's message board, this stuff is nothing.

sorry to have confused some (or at least one) of you with my obscure reference to jessie spano.

jessie spano was a character on one of the all time great t.v. shows, saved by the bell. the quote i hit you with yesterday came from an episode called "jessie's song." in this 30-minute slice of t.v. heaven, jessie (played by elizabeth berkley), kelly kapowski (tiffani-amber thiessen) and lisa turtle (lark voorhies) form a kick-ass girl pop trio called "hot sundae."

by the end of the episode, jessie succumbs to the pressure of midterms and band practice. to cope, she starts using - and quickly becomes addicted to - caffeine pills.

slater warns her how dangerous the pills can be, and jessie responds, "yeah, well not as dangerous as geometry!" great stuff right there.

eventually, after various confrontations with her friends, jessie breaks down, and utters the immortal words... "i'm so excited! i'm so excited! i'm so... scared."

unable to perform with hot sundae at "the max," the girls get spazzy-ass screech to fill in for her. let the good times roll.

it was a great episode, and in retrospect, i realize that if not for "jessie's song," i may never have had the courage to confront my own caffeine addiction. thank you, brandon tartakoff.

so here's a pic of elizabeth berkley circa 1990...



basically cute... wholesome... a little mannish for my tastes, but she certainly seemed like a girl who had her head on straight.

well, we all know where this story ends up...



good lord! obviously, this pic is from showgirls, one of the worst movies ever... truth be told, it's a movie so bad, it's actually quite good.

showgirls dialogue sample #1:

Zack Carey: Why did you stop hooking? You had your future pretty well mapped out for yourself

Nomi Malone: I did what I had to do.

Zack Carey: Just like you did with Cristal.

Nomi Malone: I'm not a whore.

Zack Carey: No... you're not. You're gonna be a big star. Your face is gonna be up on billboards. You're gonna make a lot of money for the Stardust.

Nomi Malone: What about Molly?

Zack Carey: I'll make sure he gives her enough money, she can have a dress shop. Tell me something, how much did you charge?

[Nomi is confused]

Zack Carey: Hooking

Nomi Malone: Fifty. Hundred sometimes.

Zack Carey: You got low self-esteem baby, you're a fantastic fuck.

[Nomi spits in his face]

***
wow. someone actually wrote all that. but zack's got a point, she put on a pretty amazing performance in the swimming pool for him. her wild gyrations knocked about a foot of water out of the pool. the whole time she was riding him, i'm wondering, "what would mr. belding think???"

showgirls dialogue sample #2:

Nomi Malone: Don't they have brown rice and vegetables?

Cristal Connors: Do you like brown rice and vegetables?

Nomi Malone: Yeah.

Cristal Connors: You do?

Nomi Malone: Sort of.

Cristal Connors: Really?

Nomi Malone: It's worse than dog food.

[Cristal laughs]

Nomi Malone: It is!

Cristal Connors: I've had dog food.

Nomi Malone: You have?

Cristal Connors: Mmm-hmmm. Long time ago. Doggy Chow. I used to love Doggy Chow.

Nomi Malone: I used to love Doggy Chow, too!

[Cristal and Nomi touch their chips together]

***
wow... freakin' awesome shit. what would sebok have to say about all of this? for those of you who plan auctions to raise money for whatever causes you care about, think about putting that up on the block: a private screening of showgirls for you and somefriends with special guest commentary provided throughout by big tony. throw in some pints of guinness, and i'm in for two hundy.

***

however, elizabeth berkley wasn't the only chica to go from moderately cute to absolutely smokin' hot after saved by the bell.

you know where this is going:

before:



after:



mommy, there's something moving in my pajama pants!

pretty much the same thing happened to lisa turtle.

before:



after:



hot damn, kilogram! it's amazing what a bayside high diploma will do for you.

***
while we're on the topic of t.v. shows that mattered... does anyone recognize this guy?

http://www.morrisoncohen.com/bio/bio_saviano.htm

only 6 days of hell left... hang in there!

-menlove

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