good news!

after many weeks of trying, i was actually able to line up a summer job this afternoon! as i have been hoping all along, i will be clerking this summer at the u.s. supreme court for chief justice rehnquist. my responsibilities will include changing his colostomy bag, telling him how to interpret the constitution, and advising him as to what types of stripes, patches and doilies he should sew onto his robe to give him more of an authoritative air.

i'll admit that i was a bit nervous going in there for the interview. in the waiting room outside his chambers, it was me with all these columbia and yale types, all of whom had already earned their JD's and passed the bar and edited their law reviews and everything else, all with high grades and distinctions, and then there i was, sitting in the corner, reading my casenotes for property class, not even wearing matching socks.

truth be told, the interview did not go well at first. rehnquist was so bored and annoyed with me, he hardly even paid attention to what i was saying about my background and pathetic undergraduate accomplishments. in fact, he was eating sour patch kids the entire time i was there. when i asked if i could have one, he told me, and i quote, "if you touch my sour patch kids, i will choke you like the little bitch that you are." (rehnquist is a man of such intellect and gravitas that the words actually come out of his mouth italicized!)

then he started asking me questions about the law and about my opinions on current matters of united states jurisprudence; i alternately answered "can i pass?" or "i take the fifth?" he soon tired of me, and told me to see myself out.

with a heavy heart, i accepted yet another round of professional rejection; however, my saving grace was that as i got up to leave, i started hearing this weird gurgling sound behind me. i almost ignored it, but it turned into this sick, wet rattling noise. i looked behind me, and there was chief justice rehnquist standing at his desk, choking on a sour patch kid.

there were tears running down his cheeks, and a thin trail of snot had rocketed out of his nose. his old hands were clasped around his neck, making the universal sign for choking.

you can imagine that i was more than a little freaked out. there was no time to think, so i jumped into action. unfortunately, i don't know how to do CPR or anything like that, so what i did was to start looking at all the stuff on his desk, trying to find something i could use to whack him on the back, and hopefully dislodge the offending piece of candy.

his desk was a mess, full of all sorts of clutter and bric-a-brac. there were several bottles of mad dog 20/20, and i was just about to grab a bottle of banana red, but i figured that could be dangerous if it accidentally shattered on his back as i hit him with it. so instead, i picked up this five pound dumbell he was using as a paperweight, but then i thought better of it, because if there's one thing i've learned this week, it's that those things can actually be rather deadly. so finally i just grabbed this big phone directory off of his desk. its cover said "NAMBLA membership guide 2005," and while this struck me as being a bit curious, there was no time to think. i just rolled it up into a tube like you would to swat a fly, brought my arm back as far as i could, then started hacking away at the justice's back.

at first i thought it was working, because i heard some things beginning to dislodge. but as it turns out, justice rehnquist is like a really frail old man, and the impact of the NAMBLA guide was denting his rib cage and spinal column with every swing. i had to stop, lest i leave his body riddled with concave dents and divots.

by this point the old codger was turning blue, and i knew that i had to think fast. i grabbed him by the shoulders, and spun him around to face me, then stuck my hand as far as i could into his mouth. my hope was that i'd be able to grab the obstruction with my fingers, but alas, it was too far down his windpipe for me to reach it.

but then i saw something. it was the craziest thing, but the chief justice had this little hole right on the front of his neck.* it looked like a wrinkly and crusty belly button that had gone on a hike straight up his body!

i realized that this could not be a coincidence. this strange and wonderful neck-portal was there for a reason: for me to save the life of the chief justice of the united states supreme court!

so i cupped my left hand around the back of his skull to hold his head steady, then i took my right index finger, and slowly thrust my finger into his throat. there was some rough friction at first, but by the time i got past the second knuckle, it slid along rather easily. and then i felt it! i could just barely reach it, even with my finger rammed in as far as it would go, i could only touch it with my finger tip, but there was no doubt that i had found the sour patch kid.

but still, all i could do was nudge it around a little bit. his adam's apple bobbed back and forth as i probed and prodded the candy with my finger, and little bubbles started to form at the corner of his mouth, but i simply could not dislodge the damn thing.

i knew that there was only one chance left to save his life. i yanked my finger out of his neck, pulling out a long trail of phlegmy goo that smelled strangely of banana red, then grabbed the back of his neck like i was going to give him a kiss, but instead, i wrapped my mouth around the hole in his neck, and began sucking away at it with a vigorous head-bobbing motion. the sucking and slurping noises were like something straight out of a careena collins video, but it was working: i was definitely moving the sour patch kid closer and closer to my mouth! occasionally, his neckhole would kind of get clogged up, but i was fortunately able to clear it with a few flicks of my tongue, without even interrupting my frantic head-bobbing and sucking motions.

and then, with the sound of a half-chewed sour patch kid being sucked out through the neck hole of an old man's throat, i sucked the sour patch kid out of the neck hole of the old man's throat!

it took a minute or two for justice rehnquist to regain his composure, but i didn't mind waiting. i just stood there proudly with a big smile on my face, chewing away happily at the warm and sour lump of candy in my mouth.

but then i remembered: chief justice rehnquist had made it very clear to me earlier that i was not to touch his candy! oh fuck, i thought to myself as my smile transformed into a scowl, i just disobeyed the chief justice of the supreme court. is that illegal? or were his words just dicta? what is the difference between holding and dicta, anyway? i remember professor solan talking about it during orientation. why didn't you listen, menlove! what is it with you always making up stories and daydreaming when you should be learning instead? for all you know, you're chewing on that candy right now in flagrant violation of the constitution! it's probably just a matter of time before--

my inner monologue was interrupted by rehnquist himself, who had by this point fully recovered, and put his hand on the back of my neck.

"i... i am so sorry, your honor. i know you warned me that if i ate your sour patch kid, you'd choke me like a little bitch, and i..."

but then, the irony of these words dawned on me. his warning to me, and what had actually happened, it was just so ridiculous! it was the type of thing that really could only happen in a work of fiction tossed off at one in the morning by a 1L looking for any excuse to procrastinate, when he should be writing his opening statement for the moot court tryout. rehnquist noticed the irony as well, and smiled warmly into my face. he pulled me in close to his body, and embraced me like i was his girlfriend. his fingers traced some lazy circles on the small of my back, and with his old lips, he whispered two sweet words into my ear: "you're hired."

so that's pretty much how i got my summer job.

*by the way, i hope that i didn't offend anyone with my description of the "neck portal." my grandma actually had a tracheotomy, and i know that in most circles, they are no laughing matter. i loved my grandma very much, and now i sort of feel bad for making light of it. but it took a long time to write this story, and most of you have a good sense of humor, so i'm going to let it stand, so if anyone was offended, i apologize. sorry to you as well, grams! you know i miss you and love you.

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one last thing... i came across this site where you can see the campaign finance contributions our professors made in 2004, and to which candidates they contributed. be sure to view pages 1 & 2. strangely enough, one of our classmates is listed with the faculty as well! i didn't know that knox was already a professor, but it doesn't surprise me. the dude is one smart mofo! in fact, if not for his presence at BLS, i'd likely tip the bell curve so far to the left, that we'd all go sliding off the edge of sebok's blackboard.

you can also click to see contributions from '02 and '00. enjoy.

have a good weekend, everyone. wish me luck on my big tryout tomorrow!!! i'll see you all on the flipside.

-menlove

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