true life

so i actually have the day off tomorrow, thanks to big bok. this is a truly strange and wonderful thing, and i should be feeling great about it. after all, i basically had the night off.

how did i spend this temporary reprieve from the seemingly unending rigors of 1L life? well, i spent about four hours working on my outline for tuesday's civ pro midterm, then i got most of the con law reading done for tuesday afternoon.

i wish.

what i really ended up doing was drinking a pint of bourbon and watching a show on mtv called "true life: i'm obese." i have to tell you that it was a seriously depressing ordeal.

the show followed around these three people who were all overweight. two of them were morbidly obese, and basically had to struggle through life feeling ashamed, constantly being taunted by strangers, breaking and/or not being able to fit into chairs, and so on. it really depressed the hell out of me.

what really upsets me now is that they did this profile on this one girl:



she lived a rough life. she was nearly six hundred pounds, and could hardly move across the room without losing her breath, feeling severe pain, etc. anyway, what's bumming me out is that in the last few minutes of the show, she was slated to get that stomach-reduction surgery like al roker had, which was either going to kill her or help her to get to a healthy weight, and i fucking passed out on the couch, and have no idea how things worked out for her.

if anyone knows, please do share.

so i'm less drunk now, but still groggy. really all week i've been out of sorts, like i've been inhabiting the phantom zone on a Square D switch... neither on nor off, but still vaguely dangerous.

anyway, i know that no one reads this to feel worse about the world, or to hear me complain, so i'll move on to better and brighter things.

i'm very glad you all seemed to enjoy the feature on our wonderful classmates. i had a great time writing about them. these blog entries also represented a major victory for your friend menlove in that i was actually able to post pictures for the first time. (although it's been quite annoying how you have to log in to BLS to see the pics... i'll end up archiving all of the crap i've written so far in the next week or so. that way when you visit the site, you'll be able to link to the old articles and pics without the annoying BLS login.)

as this is my first blog, i'm pretty much learning as i go. the pics were a fun start, but i'd like to do even more with this thing. unfortunately, i'm pretty much techtarded, so it's been difficult.

for one thing, instead of studying for the civ pro midterm, i've spent much of this week trying to figure out how to post polls on menlovian. i've tried all sorts of google searches and followed all the links on the blogger.com homepage, but to no avail.

can anyone help me? are there any geeks out there who know how to do this stuff? i'd be much obliged. i've actually got some pretty big ideas as to how i can make menlovian more interactive and more enjoyable for all of us, but i've got to take it one step at a time. so if anyone could help me out, that would be excellent.

in other news... greetings and salutations go out to our newest invitees (or would they be licensees?): "The Artist formerly known as...", "'bok joy", and "Unnamed Ass Pincher". if i owe any of you any sort of duty, please let me know.

one other thing before i call it a night...

i'm sure you all know by now that i love grandpa P. that dude should have his own mtv true life special. crim is really a pretty easy class (though i've heard the exam sucks balls), and P has a killer sarcastic sense of humor which typically makes for a perfect start to the day.

as great as he is, the man does occasionally perplex me. has anyone else noticed how pitler picks the weirdest things to get mad about? remember on the first day of school how he ripped a new asshole to everyone who came in late? since then, i don't think he's really said a word to anyone regardless of when they come in.

anyway, one day this week, someone's computer made that start-up chiming noise - not even that loudly - and P sort of lost his shit over it. yet, i'd imagine that he'll probably never complain about it again...

i'm actually sort of tempted to test that theory.

i was thinking about cranking up my computer's volume, i mean really loud, and starting it up during the first minute of his lecture. it could be interesting.

but then i started thinking, wouldn't this experiment be more effective if it was enacted en masse?

imagine this: a hundred of us sitting there ready for class to begin until pitler finally walks in at 9:34 or whenever. we all sit in excited anticipation as he sorts out his notes and books, and fiddles with the microphone system.

then, all at once, at the exact moment when he starts lecturing, we start up our computers. (of course, we'd all have cranked up the volume on our machines the night before...)

as my boy yeazell would say, "what result?"

would anyone care to conduct this experiment with me?

i leave you with those questions, and two others:

how do i post a poll? and was the obese girl's surgery successful?

thanks for reading. i feel better already.

my wonderful classmates! (part 3)

hello, and welcome back to the exciting conclusion of "my wonderful classmates." it's really been a lot of fun for me to do this these last few days, especially seeing the reactions of people after they find out that they are officially wonderful. it feels good to make people feel good. perhaps if i avoid flunking out of school, i'll someday have a chance to post nice things about everyone in our entire crim law class. we'll see how that one goes...

on the topic of my prospects of staying in school, i did not fail my blue book quiz! i ended up with a 74. in my book, a 74 is a "C", and a "C" falls squarely in the fat part of the bell curve! not bad for a menlove who's used to dwelling in that narrow nook on the far, far left end of the curve. how did you all do?

on an entirely different note...

regarding the comments made on yesterday's posting, i'd like to begin by commending "atticus finch's scrotum," "i aint no theobald," and "overborn will" for their wise words and attempts towards a reasonable sort of self-regulation. i am loath to start editing my classmates' contributions to menlovian, but as i have stated in the past, my goal is to create a kinder, gentler hayrick. unfortunately, i am unable to delete a person's name; i can only delete their posting, so i hope that the person in question goes ahead and changes their name. i've gone ahead and come up with a few suggestions (pretty good ones, i'd say) for new names. feel free to use one of mine if any of them appeal to you:

"randy westlaw"
"learned foot"
"judge dread"

the one thing i can do is delete ALL of the comments for that day, which would suck, but i will if the name isn't changed in the next day or so.

anyhow, now that the unpleasantness is out of the way, it's time for bigger and better things. con law was pretty straightforward today. there weren't too many crazy stories, but hella-donkulous did manage to fit in his requisite daily name-drop. today, he spoke of one karl menninger, psychologist and author of the crime of punishment.

i did a quick bit of research and came across an excerpt from this semi-seminal text: http://www.nospank.net/mngr.htm

it's actually really interesting stuff, though you have to wonder what pitler would think of this menninger character's theories.

thanks also to "Thing of Danger" for the astute commentary on hella-donk's blackboard mismanagement. your description had me cracking up.

i'd be remiss if i proceeded any further without welcoming our new friend "overborn will" to the menlovian fold. thanks for signing in dude!

alright, now that all of that business is taken care of, it's time to get to the point. so without further ado, here they are... the final two of the six most wonderful people in our section!


wonderful person #5 : Scott Chait



scott is a really wonderful person. he's not a suck-up or a square; rather, he's got this "everyman" quality about him that paradoxically sets him apart from the herd.

though he's always great, scott his at his best whenever our writing classes are combined into one giant section, where he pretty much busts schneider's balls for two straight hours, but in the most good-natured way imaginable, each comment sparkling with wit.

scott is also the type of guy who will have about twelve windows open on his laptop at once, yet will still be able to follow what's going on in class. he'll seemingly simultaneously be typing an email, reading a news site, changing his screen saver, reading menlove, bidding on ebay, taking notes, and still be able to raise his hand to ask a really insightful question at a moment's notice. all in all, he's a wonderfully funny, friendly and impressive individual.

so congratulations to scott, a truly wonderful person!

wonderful person #6 : Brina Dinerman



brina is wonderfully wonderful. she's got the steak AND the sizzle. i know i said that these six wonderful people were in no particular order, but like vanessa williams, i went and saved the best for last.

though it's already all been said on the discussion boards, it's worth repeating. brina is a truly one-of-a-kind and lovely person. she prefaces her questions in class with, "this might sound stupid, but...", then she ends up saying something startlingly intelligent. in other words, when you hear that wonderful new york accent saying, "i don't want to sound stupid, but...", that's your cue to start taking notes.

brina also has a wonderful sense of humor. i've truly enjoyed the few conversations we've shared, and i have no doubt that she will someday be one of the toughest and smartest lawyers in town. in fact, when i think back to my days as a 1L, i may not remember much, but i'll always remember brina dinerman.

and brina, if the news on the message board is true, then i feel that i speak on behalf of our class when i say that we're sorry about your grandfather, and we hope that your dog is ok.

so here's to brina... a simply wonderful person!

my wonderful classmates! (part 2)

here we are, knee-deep in the muck and mire of yet another week of law school. (they don't seem to end, do they?) fortunately, the infinite joy of memo-writing is, for now at least, behind us, and we can get back to the usual business of not making course outlines.

since you're here, i'd like to introduce you all to three great people who have decided to become a part of our dysfunctional little menlovian confederacy. much love goes out to "Dr. Klaf", "reasonable person", and "Thing of Danger"; thanks for signing in, and keep posting.

that being said, it's time to get down to business. yesterday it was the guys; today it's the ladies' turn. i've realized what a difficult spot i've put myself in by limiting this list to just six wonderful people, but that's the way it goes.

once again, it is with great pride that i present to you, in no particular order... TWO MORE OF THE SIX MOST WONDERFUL PEOPLE IN OUR SECTION!

wonderful person #3 : Preethi Bhashyam



preethi is wonderful, and is quite possibly the nicest person to walk the halls of 250 joralemon. being in the company of someone as wonderfully kind as preethi helps you to forget just how crappy a hand we've all been dealt as 1L's.

her gentle yet radiant personality brings much-needed warmth to even the bleakest morning classes. if you're ever feeling down at 9:20 on a monday morning, talk to preethi for a few minutes, and you'll be smiling all through crim!

what else makes preethi wonderful? like everyone else on the list so far, preethi has got a wonderful name, and like her name, she's truly one-of-a-kind. what's more, she is exceptionally bright, seemingly able to navigate the most complex first-year legal issues with poise and confidence. in sum, she's a thoroughly impessive and all-around lovely person.

so here's to you, preethi. you're wonderful!


wonderful person #4 : Aimee Schultz

aimee (pronounced AY-MAY, for those of you who still have not met her) is simply wonderful. aimee is what i like to call a claire huxtable; in other words, she's got it all: wit, wisdom, moxie, mettle, style, charm and grace. and also like claire, she's going to be a lawyer!

what else makes her so wonderful, you may ask? she's got these terrific glasses (sadly absent from the school photo).

finally, aimee contributes so much to our class conversations. her inquiries and insights have quickly become an integral part of the fabric of our classroom discourse. plus, she let me copy her notes once when i was absent.

so here's to aimee, an authentically wonderful person!

my wonderful classmates! (part 1)

so i've been thinking about this for a long time, and have finally come up with a list of some of the most wonderful people in our crim law class. my original list had about forty people on it, but i figured that it would take weeks to write about that many folks, so after much deliberation, i've narrowed it down to just six.

obviously, if you're not on this list, you may very well still be wonderful yourself, so i hope that no one takes their inclusion or exclusion too personally. these are just my opinions, and my opinions mean nothing. keep in mind that this list was created by an idiot who has not even started working on his memo, and who is writing this stuff at 2:30 in the morning the day before the memo is due.

that being said, i really do think that many of you are wonderful. over the next few days, i'll be honoring those of you who make menlove's days brighter, who fill me with awe and wonder, who entertain and inspire me, and who make even the most boring classes seem somehow more tolerable.

so here they are, in no particular order... THE SIX MOST WONDERFUL PEOPLE IN OUR SECTION!

wonderful person #1 : Knox McIlwain



knox is a truly wonderful person. first of all, he's got a wonderful name. knox. it would be cool if we were friends, just so that i could introduce him to people. "yo, have you met my homie knox?"

what else makes knox wonderful? lots of things. the dude's about eight feet tall, and he's got these monster sideburns that only a really tall, smart guy can pull off. top it all off with a dollop of crazy red hair, and you've got yourself one helluva wonderful classmate.

i just mentioned that he's smart. knox isn't smart in that annoying or nerdy kind of way. he's the best kind of smart. he clearly knows what he's doing in class, and asks interesting questions that actually help to make things more clear for dummies like me. it's the kind of smart that doesn't mind taking a few minutes after class to explain something to a confused classmate, the kind of smart that when you see him typing notes in class, you'd better get typing too! i have no doubt that in thirty years, students will be reading his opinions in their con law books.

so here's to knox... one of the six most wonderful people in our class!


wonderful person #2 : David Shamshovich



david's freakin' wonderful. like knox, he's got a wonderful name. shamshovich. it's fun to say. i love it when he gets called on in class. when you hear a professor say, "mr. shamshovich," you know you're in for a socratic delight.

david cemented his spot as one of the most wonderful people in our class when he went toe-to-toe with pitler in what became an instant classic. he was on the spot for a good twenty minutes, but had everyone (including pitler) rolling in their seats with just about every line that came out of his mouth:

P: "You got any more ideas for me?"

Shamshovich: "Um, no, I think I pretty much fired my whole arsenal at you already."

the guy brings a heaping portion of wit and a great attitude to class every day. all i have to do is talk to him for a minute or two in class or in the halls, and things somehow seem suddenly better than they were before. david's also a really bright guy, and he certainly seems like someone who'd be fun to have a few beers with.

so here's to david... another really wonderful person in our class!

i am sparticus

we've got some funny motherfuckers reading this stuff... thanks for the laughs to all those who contributed to the "survivor" hypo from the last post. i'd also like to give props to "I_aint_no_Theobald" and "Hunter-v-Hunted." thanks for logging in, and make yourselves at home.

i promised in a previous entry to share my thoughts on what someone described as the "constant debates about my identity," so here you go...

i'm flattered that people even care. i'm shocked that you're wasting your study time thinking about it. if formulating theories with your friends makes the shitty 1L days more tolerable, then i'm glad to be of service. i'm terrified by the idea of being outed. i do not wish to be discovered. i'm not in this for the glory. i ain't going out like Hard Harry (http://imdb.com/title/tt0100436/).

i have taken several steps to keep menlovian anonymous. it's possible that i do plant false leads. it's possible that i have allies who allow me to post on classes that i miss, and perhaps even to post on sections i'm not in. it's possible that i am part of the hushed discussions concerning my identity, or that i have accused YOU of being menlove. it's possible that i would have the audacity to name myself as one of the "six most wonderful people in our section" (coming soon!). it's even possible that i actually detest the cosby show.

no, that's not possible. i fucking love the huxtables.

anyway, you'll all know who i am come 2005... i'll be the person who used to occupy the seat next to you in class. until then, i hope you keep reading and keep studying hard... good luck on your memos!

the tribe has spoken

nearly six hours of class today...

civ pro sort of had that influenza ward vibe going on. it was an ongoing cacaphony of coughs, sneezes, snorts and wheezes. even professor hunter got in on the fun. she used this really nice quiet sort of bedroom voice all morning, and was even without her trusty glass of icewater with lemon. it was a nice change of pace.

schneider had some sort of formal observation in class today by another member of the faculty. though she was a little on edge, it basically was a really helpful class. all things considered, she's definitely improved a ton since week one. think about it... no other professor has to answer as many idiotic questions as she does, and she handles it all with aplomb. robyn even made a funny today (after her observer had departed) when she told us that we don't have to cite the other supreme court cases that are mentioned, that we could simply find the language we need elsewhere in the opinion... "unless we want to be sexy and impress me with your string citations."

it's good to know that a complex series of string citations is one of our professor's "turn-ons."

big tony put on another fine performance today in torts. the dude gives me like five or six shout-outs per class. (shout-outs? or would the plural form be shouts-out? i digress...) he's crazy about menlove. he rattled off a few good one-liners about the public interest club's talent show, calling the "social event of the season," and going on to deliberately misconstrue the grand prize (a really huge barbri scholarship) as "really huge barbie dolls," and went on to note that he "had enough of those already."

it's interesting to hear how he pronounces the names of some of these cases. just today, he said "monk" as if it rhymed with "wonk." i invariably like his pronunciation more, but that's just me. has anyone else noticed how he pronounces "gasoline"? it's friggin' great.

anyway, the real point of this little entry is to talk about the wonderful things that have been going on lately in my study group.

my study group is the shit. technically, we're not even a group. it's really just five of us who sometimes meet up in one of the study rooms. sometimes there are six, and sometimes there are just three. there's always someone who has severe gas. but not just your standard gas; it's more like that just-ate-a-cafeteria-panini kind of gas. as long as we're being technical, not only are we not truly a group, but we don't really even study. so i guess we're not really a study group at all. it's more like a bullshit collective.

so i was sitting with four other members of my bullshit collective earlier this week, ostensibly to get a head start on the 80 pages of torts reading that 'bok choi assigned for today's and tomorrow's classes. our meeting lasted for approximately ninety minutes, starting at 4:00. here's a quick rundown of what we managed to accomplish:

• 4:00-4:10... setting up computers and taking out books and pens.
• 4:10-4:15... one group member farts loudly. a round of depositions are held to discover the culprit. someone then hypothesizes that the gaseous expulsion could easily have been heard through the air vents by those who are studying out in the main reading area. said hypothesis is debated, then tested. one person is sent outside to listen, and someone inside created a fart noise that was similar in volume, pitch, and duration to the one which had sparked the debate. result: clearly audible.
• 4:15-4:30... an in-depth jurisprudential examination of the ALCS, replete with explications of the constitutional ramifications of johnny damon's australopithecus-like mandible.
• 4:30-5:00... everyone speaks at length about the prospects of having sexual intercourse with specific members of our crim law class. one group member (who seemed to have prepared extensively for this aspect of our meeting) speaks quite eloquently about who he'd like to bang, how and in what positions he would bang, the duration of said banging, and the pleasure his prospective partner would derive should this banging ever actually occur. the other members of the group then raised numerous and serious doubts as to the veracity and probability of these assertions.
• 5:00-5:20... the group decides to explore a rather interesting tangent of admiralty law by proposing the following hypo: suppose that professors schneider, sebok, hunter, hellerstein and pitler were on a sinking ship, and managed to escape to a deserted island. what roles would each of them take on the island (i.e., who would do the hunting, the cooking... who would be the alpha, who would be the lazy one who cried all night...)? what would the sleeping arrangements be, and would any romantic liaisons ensue? and finally, which one of them would manage to be the ultimate survivor? (the intricacies of this discussion are too extensive and offensive to recount here, but by all means, feel free to post your thoughts on this topic on the menlovian message board...)
• 5:20-5:25... setting goals for our next group meeting, determining a meeting time, and congratulating one another on a job well done.

should any of you be interested in sitting in with the bullshit collective, you're certainly welcome to join us. just listen closely to the gutteral rumblings emanating from the air vents, and you'll have found us in no time.

***

return to menlove's greatest hits

miranda

gotta keep it quick tonight, as our profs seem to have gone a bit overboard with the work load as of late...

one good thing to come out of the legal writing assignment is that now have some practical legal knowledge as to how to keep any confessions i make under police interrogation from being admitted in a trial.

• stay in the interrogation room for as long as possible without any breaks for food or sleep.
• don't remind anyone to read me my rights.
• do everything in my power to get the cops to keep me uncomfortably in handcuffs. the best case scenario would be to have the cops rough me up a little bit.
• take everything they say as a threat; cry often and act constantly distraught.
• only confess after seeming to misconstrue something they say as a promise for leniency.

looks like somebody got his learn on!

it's been a tough week, but at least we can all look forward to the 50 pages of torts sebok assigned for friday's class! i average about 8 pages / hour in that book, so it should be a fun thursday night. speaking of big T, i'd like some more details from the anonymous poster who saw him stumbling out of a bar w/ two ladies... (not that i buy it, but i'll suspend my disbelief for such a seemingly fun fiction)

back to work for now...

peace and chicken grease,

-menlove

heathcliff huxtable v. ron midgett

i'm not meant to be a lawyer.

this was made very clear to me today at the research quiz. the person next to me had approximately two hundred tabs in her blue book. i had five - one of them was in the index - and they weren't even attached with any sort of adhesive. they were really just these pathetic little strips of paper i'd torn from the back of the shapo book, like puny second-rate book marks. i could hardly turn the pages without having them fall out onto my desk, or fall into the blue book itself where i couldn't see them.

needless to say, i totally bombed the thing. i'm horribly embarrassed to relay this here, but when asked what "S. Ct." meant, i completely fucked up and guessed that it stood for the "southern district court of connecticut." looking into the blue book now, i see that i was a bit off on that one. if only my tabs had adhered, i might have had a chance.

so i'm trying to come to terms with the fact that i'm not going to be a law student for much longer. i think back to the amount of work that went into getting into law school...

• weeks and weeks of those stupid LSAT prep classes
• actually taking the LSAT itself, which was tantamount to a six-hour kick in the nuts
• requesting and filling out all of those goddam applications
• prostrating myself before my college professors in hopes of receiving letters of recommendation that would put a semi-positive gloss on my pathetic performance as an undergrad
• hours spent giving handjobs in back alleys so that i could pay the application fees
• visiting law schools in other states that would end up rejecting me
• weeks of paperwork and online "interviews" in order to descend into an $18,500 hole

it makes me feel horribly depressed. then i think about all the wonderful things yet to come in this first semester of law school...

for instance, in just the next two months, we all get to write a memo for legal writing, then take a civ pro mid-term, then write ANOTHER memo (but this one is even cooler, because instead of having the cases picked for us, we get to spend thirty hours a day in the library trying to find cases on our own).

and then come the exams. thinking about all of this earlier this evening, i was really about ready to drop out of school. it really was a horrible scene. i was sitting naked on the floor of my dorm room, covering my legs with bits stale hotdog buns. my window was wide open, and the cold evening wind was whipping all around me. you see, there was this really sexy little pigeon that had been hanging around my window sill, and i was trying to lure her inside for a little bit of avian anal exploration. alas, she flew away, leaving me sitting there like an idiot, covered in crumbs, shivering and lonely.

looking for solace, i turned to josh dressler's seminal work on criminal law. hoping to find a case that would lift my spirits. instead, i found midgett v. state, which was pretty much the worst thing i have ever read. i couldn't go on to finish the readings; instead, i found myself trying to locate this ron midgett of arkansas on the internet, but to no avail. i really hope that he met a slow and humiliating demise at the business end of a rusty shiv in the bowels of some arkansas penitentiary. i must admit that i found some solace in this thought.

these fantasies were about the warmest and fuzziest moments of my evening, that is until just half an hour ago when i turned on the t.v. to check in with my foster family, the huxtables.

it was as if the gods of nick at night had picked out an episode just for me. theo had received a "D" on an essay for school, and was trying to convince his dad why he should not be punished. his argument went something like this:

"i mean, you're a doctor, dad. and mom is a lawyer. but i don't love you any more because of that! so if i just want to do something normal with my life, then maybe you should accept it and love me because i'm your son."

(i'm thinking, "right on, theo! not everyone is meant to make it as a lawyer...")

then came cliff's response, and it was almost as if he was replying directly to my thoughts.

"theo... that's the dumbest thing i ever heard in my life! no wonder you get D's in everything! you're afraid to try becasue you're afraid your brain is going to explode and ooze out of your ears. now i'm telling you, you are going to try as hard as you can. and you're going to do it because i said so. i am your father. i brought you into this world, and i'll take you out!"

his words had me thinking even as i laughed, thinking about fathers and sons, about ron midgett and ronnie midgett junior, and about the fictitious but perfect TV family on the screen before me.

and as i write this now, i realize that i have no reason to complain. little ronnie midgett, malnourished, bruised, battered, terrified and cut down by his father at the age of eight... he had all the reason in the world, but never had the chance.

yet i'm the one who is feeling sorry for myself.

heathcliff huxtable has a point.

fuck ron midgett sr. fuck the memo due next week. fuck final exams... it's time to buckle down and see if i just can't pass this thing.

tomorrow's another day. before i sign off for the night, here are a couple quick random notes...

• thanks and welcome to the newest people to sign on to this site: "Regina V." (an exceptionally clever name), "Angry Mussivand" (i did your wife too), "atticus finch's scrotum" (that's just plain wrong), and "sexy dead bird" (where were you tonight when i needed you?)
• quickly back on the huxtable tip... i realized tonight that elvin tibideaux's (sondra's hubby) parents were named nelson and winnie! coincidence, or a clear cosby shout out to the mandelas?
• in response to Angry Mussivand's inquiry: "I wonder what your opinion has been on the constant debates about your identity?" i have many opinions on the matter, and will address this issue in the near future.
• finally, and fyi, i actually managed to get a "check" on the rewrite of my memo, so maybe all is not lost just yet.

thanks for reading.

-menlove

a kinder, gentler hayrick

first things first, a heart-felt welcome goes out to "Drumhead", "nanfan", "palsgraff", "packout78", "aint no power like the Power of Procedure", and "Absent Bargee." some of you seem to be pretty funny motherfuckers, and some of the names are quite clever as well. thanks for coming.

fyi... here's the track listing from the "great" soundtrack to Garden State...

1. Don't Panic - Coldplay
2. Caring Is Creepy - The Shins
3. In The Waiting Line - Zero 7
4. New Slang - The Shins
5. I Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You - Colin Hay
6. Blue Eyes - Cary Brothers
7. Fair - Remy Zero
8. One Of These Things First - Nick Drake
9. Lebanese Blonde - Thievery Corporation
10. The Only Living Boy In New York - Simon & Garfunkel
11. Such Great Heights - Iron and Wine
12. Let Go - Frou Frou
13. Winding Road - Bonnie Somerville

i know maybe half of these bands, and they're all pretty good. could it be possible that sebok, in addition to being a polymath armed with a rapier-like wit, also has great taste in music? what can't the guy do?

yes, yes... true enough, i know that any sebok-worship posted here will be construed by some as a manifestation of some sort of subconscious / latent homosexual desire for the man (menlove = manlove???), but i just think that big tony is the greatest thing since sliced bread.

the point is that someone needs to arrange a Garden State party / screening a.s.a.p., and we can do it up in style. i'll bring a box of fireworks if someone can hook us up with a few barrels of flour.

in other news...

regarding the request for me to share my feelings on the "HOTTEST chick in our class"... man, that would be a lot of fun to write about. certainly there is no shortage of beautiful women in our class. i mean, just look around for a minute next time you're in crim. it's almost criminal to have so many lovely ladies in one place at one time. we're very near the saturation point. we've got

girls in glasses, boots and skirts
girls in tight and tiny shirts
with their batting-eyelash flirts
makes me smile til it hurts

girls with simply sinful booties
girls who took good notes on duty
some are gorgeous, some are cuties
make my thoughts in class get lewd- ee?

uh, i sort of lost it there at the end. but let's just imagine, arguendo (boo-yah!), what would happen if i did post my specific thoughts on the topic. the last thing i would want to do is to hurt someone's feelings based on their exclusion from any such list.

true, the argument could be made that exclusion from one of my idiotic little postings would not hurt anyone's feelings...

i disagree. there's this wonderful book i'm reading right now called the power of procedure. in it, clinton's lawyers argued that jones had no right to discover information on the chicks clinton was boning pre-gubernatorially. "why must their names be named," his lawyers rationalized, "if paula didn't even know about it, how could it have affected her?" as it turns out, the court held these other quid pro quo arrangements DID directly affect ms. jones. by virtue of the fact that these women were advancing through the ranks more quickly by riding on the slick willy express, paula was left behind, with nothing to show for it but a dead-end job and a horrendous haircut.

do you follow my analogy? really?? i don't. it's really rather flimsy, and is in no way analogous to the intant case.

so here's the second prong to my defense:

my sole purpose here is to build a kind and gentle hayrick, a hayrick where everyone can feel welcome to visit and maybe even to post a thing or two, a hayrick where people can forget about how shitty and stressful 1L life is, if only for a few minutes. it would truly suck if even one person estopped checking out Menlovian, or estopped sharing their thoughts just because i let things get too close for comfort. the way i see it [cue the violins], every woman is the most beautiful woman in the room in someone's eyes, and i hope that each and every woman in our class finds the person who sees them that way.

my next post will be after tuesday's quiz. have a great weekend everyone... and if someone could tell me what the fuck estoppel means, i'd appreciate it.

gripes

there's some must-see tv this evening, so i'm going to keep this one short.

i need to begin with an important announcement: based on the precedent pitler established today, our criminal law class will henceforth be held from 9:37 to 10:52 a.m.

it was at once agonizing and amusing to endure the seven minutes of overtime this morning in crim. pitler had his back to the clock, deeply engaged in conversation with one student in the opposite corner of the room, completely oblivious to the mutters, shuffles, unpluggings and zips of one hundred students who were anxious to exit stage left. however, it may have been worth it to hear pitler's spout off this instant classic: "don't let him trick you. don't let him beguile you with his serpent tongue."

say what?

anyhow, as i made my way through our beloved school today, i accumulated a list of gripes which i would like to share with you now. it just sort of struck me that for as much as we pay to enroll at BLS, there are many things which need drastic improvement. i call this list "what $34,000 dollars should buy you, but doesn't." this is only a partial list. hopefully some of you will help me add a thing or two to it.

What $34,000 Should Buy You, But Doesn't

• ethernet jacks at the study desks that don't implode after 8 weeks of use
• doorways to the stairwells that are actually designed to accomodate more than one user at a time
• paper towel dispensers that yield their treasure without my having to dig around in them as if i'm performing a prostate exam
• elevators that fucking move as directed, especially in the minute before i'm late for class
• a study area on floor 2M in the library that doesn't always smell like hot farts
• enough space to get to my locker so that i can extricate my torts book without having to place my face in some dude's crotch

before i go, i'd like to give a shout out to "tortfeezr", "belladonna" and "short person" for logging in and posting their feedback with a nickname rather than under the generic "anonymous" handle. i think that this thing will be much more interesting if we can have some continuity among comments.

that's all for now... keep your eye out for future postings that will explore the following pressing issues:

who are the most wonderful people in our section? is the bluebook quiz the shittiest fraud ever perpetrated against the 1L's of BLS? and who is this scott kreppein character, anyway?

i'm out like the gout.

use as needed

before i forget, here are three websites that might make your law school experience just a bit more enjoyable:

ratemyprofessors.com – on this site you can... well... rate your professors. it doesn’t quite make up for the tremendous power they wield when they rate you, but it’s a good place to vent, or to give credit where it’s due.

4lawschool.com – a good source for briefs and outlines. sort of like cliff notes, except that cliff usually knew what he was talking about, and these people often do not.

addictinggames.com – makes a two hour class feel like thirty minutes (so long as you don’t mind not learning anything).

if anyone else knows of any decent law-related or time-wasting sites, i’d be mighty thankful to hear about them.

arguendo

i learned a new word this week: arguendo. what’s more, i know that it means “for the sake of argument.” here’s what happened: i saw this word a couple times in our readings recently, and decided to look it up. then i memorized the definition. so, it turns out that this week has been a productive one so far.

a big shout-out goes out to my civ pro classmate who cracked hunter up in class this morning with the line about how that poor slob schlagenhauf “doesn’t have to be picking his ear and mumbling to be crazy.” it was a pleasure to see hunter’s smiles and laughs in reaction to that gem. in fact, we pretty much had her in stitches this morning (by that i mean that she laughed more than once) as she had quite a chuckle as well while discussing the inconsistencies and foibles of our health care system, ER doctors performing back surgery, and what have you.

i guess it’s just nice to see her loosen up a little bit. usually she’s just about the most straight-laced person you’ll meet. notice how she hardly ever leaves her spot behind the podium? hellerstein comes out in front from time to time. pitler usually makes a trip to the edge of his area. sebok, of course, is like an electron buzzing around the room. but nan pretty much stays put.

clearly this is a woman who values rules, order, and above all, procedure. i would imagine that she lives an extremely regimented existence... every sunday night, she slices a lemon into ten wedges to be added to the ice water she’ll drink in that week’s classes. then she goes to the closet, where each of her twenty suits hangs neatly in the dry cleaner’s plastic, arranged in the order she’ll wear them that week, each one spaced exactly 1.5 inches from the next, etc.

anyway, this is the stuff i think about while everyone else learns about discovery.

in closing, here are three random quotes from this week’s installment of Tuesdays With Hella...

first, he hit us with this little nugget: “he who pays the piper calls the tune.” (anyone know what this one means?)

next, he recounted a tender moment with his (ex?)wife: “don’t give me none of that oliomargarine, bitch!” (or something to that effect)

finally, he took it back to the streets: “in the bronx, that’s known as tough noogies!”

that's our hellerstein.

tony sebok: the drinking game

perhaps there are others of you who, like me, are unable to focus for two straight hours on sebok's lecture. for those of you who feel my pain, i proundly present to you tony sebok: the drinking game.

here's how it works: get yourself a nice 40 oz. malted beverage, a bottle of scotch, or perhaps a quart of your favorite mixed drink. if you are really in the sebok spirit, you may wish to play with the biggest cup of coffee you can find. the game starts when sebok says "let's get started," and it ends when sebok dismisses class, you pass out, or urinate in your pants, whichever happens first.

the following list shows the sebokian behavior you're looking for, and the resulting action on your part...

• every time sebok says, "um" or "uh"... drink one
• if he mentions menlove, or calls something menlovian... drink one
• whenever he stands with one foot on his podium, drink two while admiring his slacks
• if he mentions "multiple" or "joint tortfeasors," say cheers to your drinking buddies in class and drink three
• if he casually compares the instant case to any other case in the book... drink continuously while madly flipping through your notes to figure out what he's talking about
• if he makes a chart on the board, drink one for each column he draws
• if he draws a diagram of a car / boat accident... drink four
• if he draws a bell curve, chug as much as you can, then pour the remaining contents over your head
• whenever sebok holds a piece of chalk in his hand, then folds that hand / arm behind his back and paces the room, fold one of your arms behind your back, and drink continuously until he either stops pacing or brings his arm back out to the front of his body
• whenever he drinks, so do you
• if sebok kung-fu's someone's bag or backpack... drink three
• if he says the word "zipursky"... drink two
• if he says the word "goldberg"... drink three
• if he refers to zipursky and goldberg as his "posse"... let the posse of people sitting around you have a drink
• whenever sebok gets really excited, and starts using that kermit the frog voice... drink continuously until he returns to his normal tone of voice. if you finish your drink and he's still in kermit mode, hit yourself over the head with your glass until he's done.
• if you ever get the guy to laugh, or if he laughs at one of his own jokes... pour the rest of your beverage down the front of your pants

have fun everyone! i may have left a few rules out. if anyone thinks of any others, please post them here. cheers!

-menlove

***

return to menlove's greatest hits

the huxtables

by my calculations, we are nearly at the mid-point of the semester. just think about how many hours of work you've done so far. now divide that number by four. that's how much work i've done. it'll be such a relief once we get our first semester grades, so that i can take my D average and officially drop out of school.

what will that mean for you? for those of you with scholarships, it'll mean that you'll be competing against a more high-caliber talent pool in order to stay in the top 33%. just think, with all the slackers, addicts and menloves gone, you'll have to work even harder just to keep your class rank! sorry about that.

for those nine or ten people who sit by me in class, it'll mean more space for your laptops and books. so that's cool, i guess.

and finally, for those of you who frequent this website, it means that you'll only be reading postings about the cosby show, because that's all i'll be doing: watching the cosby show and eating government cheese.

but for now, i still get to post my silly little observations about our wonderful classes and professors. here are the highlights from this week:

• pitler made a lovely facial contortion during a student's answer, which completely threw off said student's line of thought... "i'm sorry," pitler said. "i was thinking about the yankees game last night." nice, p! way to keep your head in the game.
• professor hunter, as smart as she is, totally screwed up the pronunciation of "bonerb." BONN-erb??? come on, nan! it's clearly BONE-erb. i'd been looking forward to hearing you say it all week. you broke my heart, you know that? i still love you though.
• hellerstein did a good job in handling a truly unique moment in con law (regarding people who may be "wasting" class time with their questions) that was half "surreal life" and half "the real world." i hope no one's feelings have been seriously hurt, because believe me, if there's something you don't understand, i don't understand it either. hell, half the time someone asks something, i'm too dumb even to comprehend what's being asked. my bottom line on this issue: if you're the type of person who has a lot of questions to ask, i thank you. i love questions in class. every time someone asks a question, it buys me one more minute where i won't be called on.

somethin' for the ladies...

i can't believe that people are starting to read this crap... get to work! believe me, none of this will be on the bar exam. if you must waste your time here, i'd suggest that you do it on mondays and wednesdays around 10 a.m. so you don't miss out on anything important.

thanks also to those of you who have been posting feedback. keep it up, and tell your friends, or tell the weird-o who sits behind you in torts, or that hottie who sits by you in civ pro. i'd love to get as many voices on here as possible.

speaking of voices, i've got a special message for all the ladies in the class:

ladies, can you hear me?

i said ladies, can you hear me???

i can't hear you!

i mean i literally cannot hear you. why do so few of you talk in class? now i'm not talking about the socratic action. that doesn't count. i'm talking about putting your hand up in the air, waving it around like you just don't care, keeping it up until you are called on, and proclaiming, "i am strong! i am invincible! i strongly disagree with the comment made by the cro-magnan idiot who just spoke!"

i kept a little informal tally this week in class. between crim, con law and torts, only THREE of the sixteen people called on were women.

can i hear you say "that ain't right!"

that ain't right! never before have i been surrounded by so many smart, talented, and eloquent women, yet all i hear is the same old cock-a-doodle-doos, day in and day out.

so this is a call-to-arms to all the women... know this: you are smarter than we are, and you are more reasonable than we are. i want to know what you think. your silence detracts from the quality of everyone's experience.

Bonerb

well, i done fucked up and didn't post anything for quite a while. school has been insane as of late. in the last few weeks, i've had the pleasure of studying for 12 hours for an ungraded civ pro exam, and spending five hours roaming around the library to complete the research activity for our writing class. it was basically like a scavenger hunt, just really, really boring, basically pointless, and extremely frustrating. the bottom line is that i've been feeling a lot like that guy bonerb (we read about him in civ pro) who hurt himself playing basketball while being treated at a drug rehab facility. all of my recent efforts at maintaining a sustained and serious academic attitude have proven to be futile. i even got called on in class last week and, despite having done the homework, really had no idea what i was talking about. i'm as ineffective as an injured drug addict, and if my name was not menlove it would be bonerb, because that's what i am: just a big, hairy bonerb, futilely thrusting in the darkness, haplessly hoping to penetrate to a deeper understanding of the law, but to no avail.

so now it's time for my weekly dose of sebok-worship. my new favorite thing about him is how he has taken to running out of class right when break starts, or quickly gathering his things and exiting when class is dismissed. clearly, the dude has better things to do than to waste his time answering our pathetic little questions. when sebok leaves a cloud of dust, the unspoken message is, "please direct your inferior intellect and its idiotic inquiries to my teaching assistant - whatever his name is - in the back of the room. i'll be in my office, editing my draft for the 4th restatement of torts."

i've also noticed how sebok is able to mesmerize many of us at a time in class...

you know how when two people are out on a date, and they're really vibing on each other, they'll start to mimic or mirror each other's posture and gestures? like if the girl touches her chin, so will the guy, or if the guy folds his hands a certain way, the girl will do so as well. sebok's got that kind of power over half the class. i noticed in our last class that whenever sebok pauses to take a drink of coffee, at least a dozen people in class drink along with him. this is particularly true when he stops mid-sentence for a sip. check it out... and hopefully you can avoid being one of the herd of worshipers yourself.

in other news...

hella's quote of the week: "it was very common at my firm, you got a case in front of the supremes, everyone got on the metro, came down to see you... but for this case, none of them would go with me... only my wife went... then she left me... that's another story."

pitler's new favorite line: "with all due respect..." if pitler says this to you, duck. "with all due respect" is grandpa p's way of telling you that he's about expand the radius of your anus. i'm not hating on the guy... i love pitler. why? obviously because of the pizza parties. but also because of his sheer entertainment value. i can't tell if he's bored up there, or if he's having fun, but i enjoy the spectacle of watching him emasculating my classmates.

how to avoid said emasculation? first, don't answer questions from your classmates as class is beginning, because pitler will pounce on you. "oh, you like answering questions, do you? well, you'll get to answer some of mine in a minute, as soon as i get done apologizing to whomever i offended in our last class."

second, don't ever volunteer to answer a question in class. pitler does not differentiate between people he calls on and people who volunteer. this is the easiest way to get yourself into trouble in this class.

third, do not - under any circumstances - have the same last name as anyone else in the room. if you do, all of a sudden you and your same-named buddy become partners in some sort of fictitious lawfirm in pitler's brain. once again, very entertaining, so long as it's happening to someone else.

over and out.